How do you stop feeling crazy?

[DownNotOut...yet]

Hi, back again, I'm gonna share some thoughts on the porn. I think porn is often way over-rated as far as its importance. It is only because it is sex and sex is such a big deal in our puritanical, patriarchally based western culter. If your husband was on a golf site how much would you care.

I love porn. My wife gets this. IF one is not getting enough from his/her spouse and wants to look at porn to fill the gap, personally I don't see it as that big of an issue. I would have a problem being told I couldn't look at porn. 99.9% of the time if my wife said, hey stop looking at the porn and come have sex with me instead, I'm right there. Plus sometimes maybe sometimes maybe someone just wants to think about something different. My wife once said, I get bored of looking at myself in the mirror, why wouldn't you get bored with me. I actually DON'T get bored of looking at her but she made a good point.

Now, a lot of those swingers sites require you set up a profile in order to look at the adds and pictures. Some sites only accept couples so they are not over-run by single men. Why swinger sites? I find those sites appealing because those are real people, who are doing what they are doing for pleasure. They are not peroxide blond bimbos making $90,000 a year to do what they do. He may not be looking to swing at all, or it could be a fantasy. Lots of guys think about their wives on those scenarios but the reality of it is too much. Looking at those sites lets you get close without actually engaging.

What is porn anyway where do you draw the line? I've heard some women gasp pretty orgasmically when they see Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Is THAT porn? Where do you draw the line?

I might catch some flack for these opinions but really, the importance people put on porn is way too high. Women read those Fabio novels, is that porn? There are way bigger fish to fry than worrying about porn. Some might say days of our lives is porn. Where is the line drawn?

[yayoo]

Thanks for sharing your sitch Limbo. I thought I was the only one whose H registered them for the site. I did manage to get the password of the site and saw the listing (when I was snooping...I am trying to not do that anymore). H did definitely list us as married and gave our actual dates of birth, etc. I believe he is really confused....

When things are going well here, he is happy, but then I think she manipulates him and then he is "off" again. Up to this point I have been fearful of him losing his job, as he is not dealing with her at arm's length any more and will start jeoporadizing his career. Now, I actually want it to happen...I think that may be the only thing that will make him see what he is really doing and the consequences of same.

One day at a time I guess....

[limbo]

Down....I agree with you on the porn issue, I never had a problem with it, I didn't made H looking at it, and I would watch it with him.
However now I find that I don't like him looking at it, it has to do with the situation, that he already had another women, and in away it feels like he is still looking "for something else" by looking at porn...that being said I have never asked him not to look at it, because this is my issue, and I will work through it.
My h was defitnately looking for something else, the bad marriage at the time was what was driving that, and he found his outlet through other women...when the situation is normal, then its nto an issue, however when the spouse has strayed, it changes the whole playing field is changed.

(Yayoo) it very much is a day at a time, you have to focus on you, and your life now, your H is going to do what he wants, you can't stop him or change him. Believe I know how hard that can be, but it the long run will will help you!

[yayoo]

Down/Limbo,

Thanks for the input. H has always looked at porn...never been an issue for me. Never worried about it at all and still don't care if he looks at porn. I just feel sad that he registered us for a site and didn't share with me that it was a fantasy or?????

I have met the OW and she seemed quite freaked out when he would talk about anything remotely sexual. He is a very sexual person and I don't believe that she is, but again I am probably being naive and look for signs in everything.

I don't trust anything anymore and that is the hardest thing to try to work on...to even trust your own instincts.

[DownNotOut...yet]

OW was probably freaked out because she was afraid her cover would be blown. Affairs are like iceburgs. You are only seeing the tip.

You know what, I freaked out when I got married. We dated for 4 years then in like 8 weeks, we got married, bought a home, I bought a car and started a new job. Once the dust settled and the excitement was over, the realization of "this is my life" hit me and I wigged out. I didn't have an affair or anything but I was quite depressed over all the options suddenly disappearing. I totally dug my wife, house, job, car etc... BUT now you are IN, for keeps. I felt a similar sort of anxiety when my first child was born. Maybe your husband had a crises, maybe not MLC but some kind of crisis. He clearly loves you but men are weird. The finality of actually marrying might have messed his head a bit. FWIW, YMMV and all that stuff.

[DownNotOut...yet]

More FWIW, in print at least, you seem amazingly composed and strong. Good, good, good!

[yayoo]

I like the iceburg analogy!

I know my husband is in to me sexually. He made a comment the other day that the sex is great, it is the easy part. After having sex, he will ask if I am ok, when clearly he isn't. He can't disconnect himself like he wants to. He likes the benefits and comfort of home, but likes the "freedom" he is being offered by her.

So many life changing things happened before we got married and then soon after. I think he just snapped, but the hard part for me to accept is that I can't get him to snap back. The OW is now in there complicating things. He has completely alienated all of his friends during this time and only talks to her about what is going on.

I appreciate the comment about me being strong. I have been a wreck and this weekend was the worst...hence my posting. Since then, I have done some serious thinking/meditation and have started making a list of what I want in my life and where I see myself going. I have also made a list of places that I can go to "hide" for a while when he gets in his moods. It helps. You and everyone else here help.

So...thank you...

[limbo]

yayoo

You are doing a great job, and you are holding it together well! I remember when I was going through the worst of my sit, I though I can't do this, how will i cope, and the funny thing I was! Its amazing what we can do when we have to!!
I remember when we first were married, we had some really good fights, I remember H carrying his clothes out, as we had both yelled it was over! I to this day believe it was because we had gotten married, we had lived together for a year and it was good, but the minute you "have to" stay together it really changes the dynamic for a while! You think OMG what have i done, but then it levels out.
So many its him just dealing with this rather then a MLC. either way its not right.

[yayoo]

Me again,

So we had a few good days and then 3 not so good. H started in again lastnight about when we are going to list the house for sale so that we can go our separate ways. On one hand he says that I can have everything and on the other he says what do I want from the house. Make up your mind already!!!!

H said nothing had changed and he wants a divorce. H said he is not leaving me for someone, he just wants to be alone and have no accountability to anyone. H wants to leave but can't afford it...whatever....

When I pointed out that when he does go away, he is not "alone" he said that is b/c he can't afford to go anywhere alone. When I asked him what his friend (OW) thought he said she just wants him to be happy!!! I asked why he goes there and he said b/c it is different and he doesn't have to be at home with me....he hates coming home to our house. I said well me too!!!!

What a mess! A little later, he asks me to watch a movie with him and then wants to be intimate later in the evening.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE WHAT IS GOING ON????? Is this normal to go up and down like this?

Thoughts please!!!!!

[DownNotOut...yet]

Totally normal.

Avoid the R talks. You already know this. Now you know what happens when you bring up the R talks.

I asked why he goes there and he said b/c it is different and he doesn't have to be at home with me....he hates coming home to our house. I said well me too!!!!

Try to avoid this kind of bickering. Why would he want to come home to that?

Stop asking about the OW. He goes to her because he can get some strange. He can have fun with no responsibility.

Did you ask Puppy Dog Tails to hop on your thread yet?

It all sucks. What you are describing we around here affectionately refer to as the roller coaster.