Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[lemonsnap]

Kassie and Greek, thank you for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to come over and see me.

Journaling

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Actually, the last week has been pretty good, surprisingly. I can't believe it's only been a week since MC when H told me that he's not interested in working on our M and only wants to be friends. I feel like it's been a lifetime already.

I've started a list of goals/dreams for myself. I'll continue to add to it. It's a work in progress.

I went to yoga last night and then went to a movie at our local film festival. Invited H to come along, but planned to go independently if he said no. He met me after yoga and we attended together. It was a great movie - so glad I went!

We stopped for a quick dinner out on the way home, which was nice. I just haven't had the energy to cook meals lately. Guess I'm not feeling very domestic!

Every day it becomes easier to listen, validate and not react in a negative way to H and this situation. Sometimes I worry that by dong these things, I'm closing my heart to him (much as he's done to me and us.) I still say things to him every once in a while (I love you, I miss you) but now I say them in my head rather than to him out loud. That way I'm not completely closing off my love for him, just expressing it in a way that's safer and more comfortable for both of us right now.

He still wakes me up in the morning, after he's showered and dressed, with a kiss or two on my head and a hug. I'm trying not to read anything further into it. It pleases me that he's still comfortable enough around me to do those things.

I'm excited to have made my first plans for the weekend that are just for me! I'm not doing it just to be gone and out of the house, but because it's something that really interests me and is a good activity for me. I'm taking a class Sunday that will last about 6 hours. YAY!

This morning while eating my breakfast H kept looking at me. I looked up and gave him a smile each time. Yes, I thought about it a bit beforehand, but it's becoming a little easier to demonstrate a PMA around him.

Every day I am stronger. I will have good days and not so good days. I am a caring, loveable, sensitive, intelligent person and I'm learning every day.