Your wife started a war, filed for divorce, lied about you and is trying to make you out to be abusive.
Some if this is fuel by the "high" of the affair.
Some of it is a character issue.
She's made this public. In some sense you have no choice.
Be wise regarding legal issues. Protect yourself and your children.
I don't know much about OM, except that he might represent a "wild", "dangerous" or passionate male figure to her. The classic bad boy. Drug-dealers may not be nice, but they sure must be interesting. Think about it, who makes TV specials about us, the boring, middle-class men who struggle to keep their marriages together? Danger and recklessness trigger attraction. He makes her feel alive again. Nice little forbidden romance, eh?
Your role has been relegated to being the stable, boring guy: working 9-5, taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking.
Not exactly very "fun" in her eyes.
--Theoden
All this sounds about right. Of course, even with kids she and I would do things together often (going to the mall, zoo, museum, etc.) but she started hanging out with OM just to get drunk, dance to music, etc. I don't see how it doesn't get old... he sits in his garage night after night, playing the same CDs over and over, drinking until he passes out, talking crap about me, repeat ad infinitum.
Of course, when all this started she had just a couple of things she considered abusive (punched a wall one time, and she said I tried to "drown" her because I yelled when she was in the bathtub one time... so yeah) and we spoke to our pastor together.
Now she's coming up with all kinds of other stories to pretend things were happening that were not. There is no evidence, just innuendo, lies, and rewriting of our marital history.
By kicking off a war, she has contracted the way I've been able to react to her. (Look at the timeline)
However, we were together (dating/married/etc.) for nearly 5 years. She was fully aware of my prior custody situation, and fully aware of how it affected me - and hated the people that put me through it. She doesn't see the irony that she is doing the exact same thing.
When this started, I offered to mutually D, offered to go along with what she wanted, just asked for joint custody. But she couldn't accept a no-fault divorce - she wanted to drag me through the mud in front of everyone, to justify her actions and behavior.
So then I responded in kind with actual evidence. Now she's in a tailspin, the lies are churning out in overtime, and I'm basically in a position where I'm pre-emptively protecting myself from claims of abuse by running hidden video/audio recordings.
I've gone dark, I communicate strictly about our D(1) and then just ask how she is, and do not respond to what she sends.
This morning she text-messaged me about paying for half of a doctor bill. I'm going to, but I didn't respond to her because she didn't ask a question. I'm basically cutting her out of my life.
Even when she visits, she doesn't knock. She uses her house key, walks in, makes herself at home - whether sleeping on the couch, using my restroom, or whatever. I don't say anything, although I've asked her to start knocking - she ignores that.
Meanwhile, the house looks 1000 times better than when she left, all her belongings are stacked and bagged neatly for her to retrieve, and I'm basically taking care of all the things she neglected when she was here.
I'm making the home more inviting, I'm taking on the responsibilities she normally handled, and I'm not tooting my own horn about it. I am making it clear that I am capable of moving on without her, and for right now I think she is glad to see that.
But eventually the shine will wear off her new relationship, she will see me happy, content, and moving forward, and then she will have second thoughts. Her A may not outlast the D if it continues being adversarial (as it shows signs of being), and I'm trying to use what techniques I can from the DR book to limit my pressing of the negative button. I'm not sure how to hit any sort of positive button right now, because now isn't the time.
All that being said... her actions are making reconciliation less likely because they show a complete lack of character, and a complete failure of her moral compass. This isn't the person I married. She is basically her version from the Star Trek Mirror Universe. She is acting completely opposite of how she used to be (her very own 180), but generally just in front of me. Around everyone else she is pulling the "but I don't know why 'he' doesn't want to work together..." card and making out that the adversarial process is my fault.
In this case... exposure is more and more of a liability except where it helps to protect me from her false claims.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
