I left work about 6, called W as I was walking to the car. I asked if they had dinner plans. She said dinner was at her parent's house (they were already there, eating, since I have often been late at work). She also said that the plan was to watch a movie afterwards, and then that her dad had some work for me to do on his computer. And that she would take the kids home after the movie, and tell them. So, she did.
I got home after they were asleep, so I only know what she told me. She said that she told them that she had something to tell them that might upset them, or make them sad. She told them, and then described the planned living arrangements. (And that her house would be getting a new TV.) And that the dog would live there, and the cat here. She said they were looking forward to house hunting. S11 is not sure he wants to go to a different middle school from most of his friends, S14 seems to think it is a good idea. (He knows about both of them, one of his friends goes the "new" one.)
I wish she hadn't done this, it hit me out of the blue, and I didn't really have a chance to think about it. I should have been there. Maybe it was one last taste of control freakness. I don't think she told them anything inappropriate, I think she knows they would see through it. I am very much looking forward to talking to them tomorrow.
Jeff (((()))) I am sorry you didn,t get to tell the children together. That really was most underhand of your wife. Did she not give you any warning she intended this to give you a chance to leave work early?
still it is done now and tomorrow or is that today,you can shower them with love and answer any questions.
Mornin Jeff, she did cross a line there but I am glad you are taking it well. And it seems that the first response from your kids wasnt that bad. I hope things continue to be calm and managable... Stay strong xxxx M
((Jeff)) well after all this time you & I are at the exact same spot. I just told our kids the other day. I had intended for H & I to tell them together, then he suggested we tell D14 at 10 pm at night when she'd been out all evening babysitting, still had homework to finish, needed a shower, & gets up at 5 am. I suggested that wasn't the best time.
I ended up telling the kids one at a time the next day. FYI I wasn't trying to be underhanded at all. I thought their reactions would be more open & real if they didn't have to worry about what both Mom & Dad, & siblings are thinking at the same time. Also, my boys don't cry in front of H or each other, & I wanted them to be able to do that if they felt it.
I told them what my Doc & I had discussed. Later that same night, H talked to them individually as well.
At times, they express a lot of tears & hurt, & other times, they seem to be coping really well.
I did tell them that the reason I'm not crying much is because I cried all my tears out months ago. They are seeing me at moments, happier than I've been in a long time, & I'm sure that's very confusing to them too.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
oh jeff i am so sorry!! i dont agree with how she handled it at all. think you should have been included.
let us know how it goes when you talk to them
hugs
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Well, the kids really seem to be ok. I think that they really get that they will still have both of us, and that we both love them. I'm sure there will be some bumps in the road for them, but they almosted acted like "of course we're ok, Dad, what's your problem?" S11 said that he was a little upset last night, but that he is fine. I still need to talk to them without W around, I'll get plenty of chance to do that tomorrow driving them to Flagstaff.
As far as last night goes, I really don't think W intended anything underhanded. I think that she wanted to make sure that she told the kids before she told her parents, and when her Dad asked her if she thought I could help out with the computer she didn't want to say, "I don't think so, we need to go home and tell the kids we are divorcing." I don't really know, since I wasn't there. I know she was worried about telling them, I expect she made the best decision she could at the time. I do think she could have, or should have done differently, we should have told them together. But, it seems to have worked out ok.
She did say this morning that she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder if the kids have enough friends with divorced parents that make it work that they are at least a little comfortable with it? I expect it probably helps that Mom didn't just pack up and leave one day, too. This is going to be a gradual process.
The bad news is that I think she wants the fridge.....
i have an extra fridge if you bring me cheesecakke.....
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
I was just struck by your post... you are so supportive and loyal. Such great qualities and just what the kids need, consistancy, unity and strength. You're such a great Dad!
I love American fridges, they're so big and exciting. Not like the boring small ones we have here
(((Jeff)))) Sorry W told them without you, but I'm glad they seem to have taken the news well. Did you tell W you were unhappy about her telling the kids by herself? Just wondering (no response necessary).
I hope the drive to Flagstaff goes well. I went to Flagstaff once- seem to remember it was very hot!
