You mentioned that your wife is a "bookworm" somewhere back in your thread, and I would strongly encourage you to take a serious look through her library and even ask if you can read some of her favorites. For literally years, my wife was displaying, right under my nose, the kind of man who turned her on the most and that she dreamed and fantasized about, and I completely missed it, or rather, completely ignored it. Granted, stories depict an exaggerated, exciting picture of life, so you wouldn't want to try copying what you read exactly (that could get you arrested....), but the FLAVOR of the depicted relationships can tell you a *lot* about what she desires deep-down, and has been perhaps reluctant to tell you about.
And if you find yourself wondering "Why in the heck didn't she just TELL ME this is what turns her on?!" keep in mind three things:
(1) Many modern, liberated, strong women are embarrassed and perplexed by the fact that what really turns her on is a man who is stronger than she is and who will 'conquer' her, at least in the bedroom. It feels like a betrayal of feminist principles, while at the same time feeling very natural and enjoyable with the right man.
(2) Women are often indirect communicators -- a feature which drives man crazy sometimes. They frequently avoid telling you directly what they want from you, and feel much more comfortable hinting, enticing, and trying to lead you in the right direction instead. John Gray's books (and others) frequently inform women that when they are dealing with a man to be *direct* and precise: that we frequently miss their hints and clues, but the tendency is still there -- other women don't have any problem understanding what they mean....
(3) Many women have an unconscious expectation that if he (her man) loves her enough, then he will just naturally *know* what she needs / wants, when and how she needs it, without her ever having to say it, and even if she doesn't know herself what she really needs / wants. This very romantic notion still boggles me sometimes. My wife is a strong, assertive woman, and while feminine, she isn't an overly romantic or silly girly-girl, BUT she still carries the above notion around in her head, if not consciously, then sub-consciously. It's also a common feature of the rakes...er men in her books: these guys just *know* what to do, even when the heroine doesn't. What's worse, for my wife to come right out and tell me what she wants / needs sometimes ruins the result entirely --> it isn't satisfying after that. What's a man to do, then? I'm being held to an ideal that I'll never attain, but there IS a positive side here too: my wife is realistic and also understands that it's an unattainable ideal; therefore, if I pay attention and read her well enough much, if not most, of the time, then that will be enough. In other words, I get credit for trying, at least.
Finally, don't forget the progression I had to go through to get to the point where my wife would share with me (in the form of a hint or two) what she really wanted from me in our relationship. I had to rebuild her trust in me and get past all of the old resentments FIRST. In general, a woman will only want to be 'thrown on the floor and ravished' by a man with whom she feels a deep emotional connection first, a man who makes her feel loved by his support, care, respect, and cherishing gestures. The groundwork has to completed first, before moving on to this step of the relationship.
And if it feels to you like what many women want from a man is a paradox: a supportive and caring husband & father outside of the bedroom, and a passionate, ravishing cave-man inside the bedroom, then you would be right. But it's no different from the paradox that many men want from their women: a nurturing and caring wife & mother outside of the bedroom, and a brazen, seductive nymph inside of the bedroom. The nice thing about the bedroom is that it allows us to put aside our proper domestic 'skins' for a time, and lose ourselves in the primitive pleasures of each other for a change.
Best of luck to you,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
