Read NUTS. Read Gray. Read DR. Read 5 Love Languages. Read For Men Only.
Take a break. Then...for you..read A New Earth...then get the audio CDs for Psychocybernetics.
The first books teach you: -defining borders and putting to rest 'the little boy' inside -DR is obvious -LL is about knowing what makes your W happy -Gray helps you detach and adjust to the loss -FMO helps you understand the difference between us and them
Then: - A New Earth helps you understand why people seem so selfish and how to change -PC helps you change your self+image...build sel-esteem etc
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I haven't set goals specifically for myself, as that's kind of what got me into this mess, too much self focus and not enough on the R. So in essence, that's a 180 for me.
I know things will never be the same, nor should they be. I had the biggest wake-up call of my life when the bomb dropped, I'm still picking up the pieces. I know the why's and I have to stop beating up myself for all the mistakes I made and signs I overlooked. I guess that's why they call it a wake-up call, because I was clearly asleep at the wheel.
Not sure about Tolle's'other book. PC is best on CD.
This is a long road song. Look at all our registration dates. You must hunker down and find a way to patience. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Song, you've got some great advice here. Was there something specific you were asking about ??
I usually start by asking the guys what their W always complained about. Start doing some of those things gradually & without a lot of fanfare. When the W starts to express anger, let her get it out. Anger is a specific size tank. It won't go on forever, but the more that's forced into the tank, the larger the explosion when it happens. If some of it can seep out each day, no explosion. make sense ?
You're reading a lot & that's good. Try to make a list of 3-5 things that you want to work on this month, put it on a 3x5 card in your car or wallet. That will help you stay focused.
do little nice things for her to help around the house & with the kids. Noticing that you're almost out of milk is a huge one to me. I'm CONSTANTLY running to the store for milk. I joked for a while that buying milk was foreplay to me. LOL
Observe what she's doing when she's in the house with you. Just make a mental observation, & then think to yourself "I sure appreciate her" the energy from those types of observations & thoughts will help her feel more comfortable around you. If you're putting off energy that says "holy [censored], she's leaving me" she'll want distance from that.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for your advice smartcookie, I'm so happy that you have taken an interest in my sitch... I've read a lot of your posts on other peoples threads and really value your viewpoint.
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
Observe what she's doing when she's in the house with you. Just make a mental observation, & then think to yourself "I sure appreciate her" the energy from those types of observations & thoughts will help her feel more comfortable around you. If you're putting off energy that says "holy [censored], she's leaving me" she'll want distance from that.
That is something I have to pay attention to and really try to internalize. I know I'm sending out vibes of a wounded child and not that of a strong man - I honestly don't feel like a strong man at all, but I have to at least try to. Act as-if, right?
Sometimes I come here and read some threads and feel optimistic about my sitch because I realize I'm not the only one fighting this battle, and other times I come on here and find out that another person I have been following has given up or been served with D papers and it just crushes me.
I have so much empathy for all of you LBS's and wish I could offer some words of encouragement or guidance on your threads, but I can't even seem to get my own self in order. Thanks to everyone who so kindly help those of us who are fighting so hard, yet are consistently getting beaten down.
As I was driving home today I heard this song...When I start wishing I could go back I realize I can't. Not sure if you like country music but this song "helps" me...I don't take the leave it all behind as walking away but leaving the past in the past because we can't, as much as we want, change it.
I致e been caught sideways out here on the crossroads Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul It痴 hard when the devil won稚 get off your back It痴 like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack
{Chorus} Today I知 gonna keep on walking I知 gonna hold my head up high I知 gonna leave it all behind Today I知 gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah
Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows Threatening me with all the things that they know Choices and mistakes, they all know my name But I知 through holding in and holding onto all that pain
Today I知 gonna keep on walking I知 gonna hold my head up high Got No more tears to cry Today I知 gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah
And I know I know I know I know I致e been forgiven I know I know I know I知 gonna start living Today I知 gonna keep on walking I知 gonna hold my head up high I知 gonna leave it all behind Today I知 gonna stand out in the rain Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah I知 gonna let it go Oh yeah Oh yeah
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I can certainly identify with the lyrics of that song, although I've never heard it. Who sings it?
I know you've been dealing with your sitch longer than I have... how long did it take before you really felt like you let go? I just can't seem to find it. I know rationally that I need to let go, yet I just can't seem to accept that on an emotional level.Do you get to a point where you finally feel a release, or is it a slow chipping away until some day you just kind of realize that you've let go?
I still have a lot of trouble with letting it go. It's more that when I feel down it takes me much less time to get over it. It may have been me working on it for a while but it did feel like one day I just "got it" and realized that I can only control how I feel...It's never easy but it gets easier.
It's a Tim McGraw song. I like all kinds of music but the thing I like about country is the songs usually tell a story.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I have a question... when W & I separated, we sat down with our kids and told them we needed some time apart. We also told them that we would still do things together as a family, and we would try to do something once a week all together. We did that for the first few months, but after W told me "Can't you just stop, don't you see you're just pushing me away", I have been following the DB principles, not pursuing, etc.
I was talking with S11, who is having a really tough time adjusting to this, and who has been shutting me out to protect his feelings. He asked me why we're not doing things together as a family any more. I didn't really know what to say, so I said "Is that something you would like to do?". He said "Of course" and then started in on questions that I just couldn't answer.
"Are you and Mom going to get back together?" "Are you going to get a D?" "When will you know?" "Would you tell us before hand, or would it be like when Mom got the apartment?"
So my question is, what do I tell the kids? "I don't know" only goes so far, and I have no idea what W is telling them. I don't want to bring it up in discussion with W because that would be R talk, yet I feel like we're doing the old 'sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not there' routine.
Should I suggest the once a week family activity to her that we said we'd do? Should I suggest to S11, "Maybe that's something you should ask Mom"
