My mom is coming into town tonight and, for some reason, when I woke this morning my first thought was about B - and how this all fell apart so quickly - and how she never seemed to give us much of a chance once she tumbled into her crisis. I guess it's tied into the fact that my mother is coming out here to help me move - and to offer her support - and it's not something she has ever done before.
My mother is a very loving person - though she can get smothering at times - and very negative - so my goal is to keep things as positive as possible while she's here - and to make the most of her time out here - especially when I have the boys with me.
Sometimes I still have a bit of trouble believing just how much my life has changed so quickly...
Your son living w/you full-time will be so good for you. I'm excited for you and hope it will come to pass. After the year, you'll be very close to having him full-time again as high school would only be a couple of years around the corner.
Hi Rob, It is great news. I got in touch with the better magnet school today and it looks like I shouldn't have any trouble in matriculating him there. Once this year is over, he'll join his mom for a year abroad (which I think is an amazing opportunity) and then be with me until college...and that will just be tremendous. I lived alone with my father during that time of my life - and it was horrible for me - as he was going through a lot of pain himself then - and so I hope that I'll be able to recognize how to be there for my sons in a way that my father just couldn't be for me, my brother and my sister (I'm the youngest of three).
My mom is here now - and she seemed determined to fight off sleep - which I thought was very cute - though I had to insist that she go to bed, given that she's still on Ohio time and it's already 10:30pm here.
She sounds excited about helping me pack up the kids rooms and the kitchen. I've already said that I'm going to take care of the rest of the study...still have a lot of books in there...
I'm looking forward to tomorrow...that's kind of a cool feeling...as I don't think I've said that in a long time - especially when it's not a day before seeing my kids first thing in the morning or something like that.
Today I took care of transferring all the necessities - power, gas, Internet, phone, etc...made me happy to do it...which was nice.
The closer I get to it, the more I look forward to moving out of this house.
A fresh start is a good thing. How's the move going ?
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi V and SC, Well...the move prep continues...I'm the kitchen right now taking a break while my mom continues to pack the stuff from the cupboards...I think she's thriving on the sense of purpose she feels being here - and it's nice to have some help, of course.
I still have a ton of work to do on a writing gig that's due soon - and I'm beginning to realize just how stifled I've been for the last few months...there was a time when I think I spent more time reading and writing on DB than actually doing my work...after I move, and as I move forward, I hope to strike more of a balance.
The fresh start feels just like that - a fresh start - almost from zero - which I never in my life expected to be doing at this point - but it's okay - one discovers oneself when one is ready, I suppose.
Though I've had a ton to do recently...I think that once I'm moved and settled I'll find a lot more time to work on my writing and to work on doing things that feel more fulfilling...while it still saddens me to look at the empty spaces being made in the house...I'm looking forward to filling the empty spaces in the apartment. The goal now - and it's nice to think in terms of goals - is to live there for a year and then find a house that makes sense for the boys and myself...
Oh...here's another thing...years ago I wrote a novel...sent it off to a few publishers - got some interest - the people who were interested were let go (at Random House) - and I just let the book drop...I've since taken an interest in it again - and have started sending query letters off to agents...it's a terrible market for my type of writing...but that's okay...it just needs to get to the right agent once...and that won't happen unless I send I put it out there. I'm also telling myself that I might have a better chance at getting some agent attention now since I've already got a bit of a track record out here in LA...having written for TV and having gotten an award from one of the studios for my first screenplay.
So....that's a long-winded way of saying that moving is opening my eyes up to a lot more possibility - and to the fact that I've been sitting on potential for some time now - and that I've got to get up off my a$$ and put that potential into action.
K...time to help my mom pack some more...can't have her doing too much...that would wrong...
Oh...here's another thing...years ago I wrote a novel...it just needs to get to the right agent once...and that won't happen unless I send I put it out there.
So....that's a long-winded way of saying that moving is opening my eyes up to a lot more possibility - and to the fact that I've been sitting on potential for some time now - and that I've got to get up off my a$$ and put that potential into action.
Hi Carlos,
As I have seen you post so many times, to me, to others and to yourself, this whole db thing is really all about self-discovery and self-improvemment.
I think it is fantastic that you have decided to send your novel out to agents and to put your potential into action. It is great to see you focus on yourself this way.
I imagine that as you are packing up your house, some feelings are coming up for you. I see this as a challenge for you to do two things: (1) feel the feelings without getting mired in them, and (2) find the ability to keep looking back to yourself from those feelings and refocus on yourself and the good positive things you are sucessfully making happen for yourself and your boys.
Maybe make a small list of your accomplishments in the last few weeks. I'll even get you started:
(1) found apartment (2) getting house packed and ready to move (3) rediscovering desire to teach (4) rediscovering desire to write novels
I bet you can come up with lots more and if you cannot, then time to focus more on you.
Be well and as you always post to me, be kind to yourself.
Hi V, Thanks for the reminders...and the start of a good list. I know that I have to keep expanding that list - and I shall - since I am certain that more positives will follow as I continue to rebuild my life. I also realize that I do have to do a better job of being kind to myself - I sometimes forget that what we go through that brings us to this site is extremely painful - and even harmful to us at times - and I should forgive myself for not having showed so many of the signs of having gone through a traumatic, sad experience...I'm getting there...I think getting out of this house this weekend will make it much easier for me to continue the healing process - and not just the grieving...
...I've been sitting on potential for some time now
That is exactly as I've felt. The downside for me was my positive momentum has been distracted lately w/the DC trip, moving and finding myself overwhelmed w/all the crap in my new place.
My mother's visit has helped me to have more time for me and to realize it is past time to get to work on me again. Exercise starts this weekend again and the discovery of my dreams and passions is back at the top of my list.
I'm looking forward to having the mindset I had in mid-January back again. I know you'll enjoy yours too.
It is liberating and freeing and I can't wait to get back to it again.
Rob, I know exactly what you mean about finding oneself overwhelmed - I've felt that way for the last few months - and am now looking forward to moving and getting it behind (today) so that I can at least start to focus more of my attention on other matters in my life.
I've been up since about 3:30 AM trying to get some work done - but also because I just could not sleep. I'm picking up the truck at 7 this morning, and then my friends should be here around 9ish to start helping me load it up. I've got a mountain of boxes all sitting there ready to go in the living room - and I don't think it will take us too long to get everything moved out.
I keep wondering what kinds of emotions will go through me today - though the one that keeps bubbling up the most is this sense of relief. I think getting out of this house, getting away from the many memories and hopes that I carried when we first moved into this place (just a year ago) will free me in so many ways. That's what I want back, I suppose - I want my sense of freedom and an openness to the real possibilities that life has to offer - I don't mean in a new partner - I mean on a purely personal level - in terms of my work, my time with my children, my time alone, and my time with friends.
I'm still surprised at just how much my mother and I were able to pack up in just a few short days. It was mostly books that had to be boxed (which I took care of) but she helped me pack up the entire kitchen, the baby's room, and much of my S11's room. There are still some things lingering about the house, here and there, but they're just the stuff that has to be there, until they leave with us.
I'm not sure I'll be able to post again for a few days - as it appears it will take a few days for someone to turn on a switch and give me phone/Internet access in the new place - but I'll check in again once I'm able. For now, I just hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
And, Rob, make the most of your workout this weekend and have fun getting back into that powerful mindset you had back in January.
