I'm thinking it sounds like a lot of this is stuff I've gone through with my kids--ordinary kid stuff. My kids esp. D9 has told me a couple times she hates me or whatever, and then later she cools down and says I'm sorry I didn't mean it. But even if she never said that I know it's just something she says. Kids are kids.
But if you want me to agree with you, that you're a parent who's causing his kids to act out. OK, sure. So what should you do about that then? Maybe you could look at it as a problem to solve? Like I haven't gotten a job yet!, but I don't say I'm a lousy loser not deserving of one, no I think I'm just going to work on networking more and I've gotten some books on interviewing so I can work on improving those skills. I think it helps and it def. helps my PMA to just focus on what is the problem and how can I work on it. Try different stuff until you find what works.
If you still feel like that you could work on your parenting, then maybe get some parenting books and try some of the stuff they recommend that you haven't done yet? Do constructive stuff instead of beating yourself up.
I really do think a lot of this is just our kids going through divorce and separation and I'll admit right now my S15 has had a hard time with this, and I bet most kids. Even my D9 tries to act chipper but I know she is sad too.
One thing I was thinking is you seem to be putting a lot of stress on yourself. Like when your boys act out that reflects badly on you and you're worried how it will look in court. I do think it's possible that your boys could pick up on that kind of stress and it could stress them out too. I mean kind of when I'm in a happy, good mood most of the time my kids are too, and when I'm having a stressed out grumpy day my kids seem too also. Like they pick up our moods or something.
NC, I know you are a loving dad and that's what's important. Look at my H and I don't think he ever has any feelings like you do about his parenting or self-reflection, and really he is not even in the same league as you!!!! Karen
I agree. I am obviously telegraphing something to S8. And he's very bright -- he can see the anxiety that has been building up in me with his mother threatening to substantially curtail my custody.
I saw my atty. today to talk about the D and STBXW's filing the complaint for it. But we also talked about the custody issue and the conflict between us parents. She (my L) made similar suggestions as all of you did. She suggested that I try again pursuing a Parenting course, even if STBXW continues to refuse to participate. She suggested that I take S8 to IC, specifically with Project Enlightenment, for both his AS and for his possibly divorce-related behavior problems.
As far as the D itself, my L asked me what I want to do about it. Unless I wanted to challenge some of the minutiae in court or seek delays, there was nothing I can do to prevent W from ultimately being granted her D. I knew this from the start. So I told L that I didn't care, that if W was so hell-bent on divorce, I was not going to stand in her way. So I will do nothing and allow the court system to process her complaint and she will get her divorce about this time next month.
Perhaps once STBXW gets her precious D she will calm down and see I am really not out to get her after all.
*hugs* I apologize upfront for being a 'fixer'... toss, take or leave behind whatever you want.
I have no ego when it comes to my children. The lawyer told me I had to take a mandated parenting class, I was the first in line with pen and paper.
Be aware of your fears.. many times your greatest fears come true. Mine did.. losing my relationship with the man I married and secure financial security with the divorce. I'm not saying this to scare you.. but to allow focus. You see.. fear freezes actions. If I hadn't been afraid I would have dealt with things head on rather than getting and staying stuck.
Have YOU seen a counselor? If not, going to a good one would be helpful. What about medication.. anti depressants... how do you feel about that? My counselor taught me that I had to be in a good place to make good decisions. Having her and my doc with the medication checks has proved to be a fantastic combination.
Kids model after their parents. If you feel helpless, they feel helpless and will seek out attention (good or bad) to test and maintain boundaries. "Love and Logic" is a great book for parenting issues.
Get healthy, No Code.. in mind, body and spirit.. to the best of your ability. Toss away the list of all the bad that you fear will happen and replace it with everything you want to happen. Get healthy and the rest follows.
As corny as it seems, YOU are in complete control over how you feel. Get off the "I suck, I'm going to lose everything that's precious to me" rocking horse. You don't suck. And you definitely rock in good ways.
The lawyer suggests taking a parenting class.. say great!.. Is there a follow up class? What else can I do, Mr. Attorney.. what would help my case?
Kids are kids are kids. If you view each one of their negative actions at school, going to school, etc as a mark against you, your focusing on YOU more than them.. and they pick up on that. And they feel guilty and insecure because Daddy is unhappy with them. Where's all the great stuff you share them?
Perception. What is yours.. how do you improve?
I'm sorry to hear the divorce papers were served. But guess what...? It was the least expensive way possible.. whoo hoo! She's not out to decimate the assets you have.
The court doesn't like to change something that's working. Your 7 day on/off arrangement seems to be working. Just because she wants something doesn't mean she'll get it. If you're so concerned about losing the kids, ask the lawyer about the viability of having an assessment made by a social worker of both households and how the kids interact.
Code.. the world is not out to get you. You're a wonderful, articulate human being. The sky is not falling, the ground IS shaking a bit.. but you have steady hands for your sons to hold and a smile that shows them all is good.
Bring out your best for you.. for your boys. Drop the sack cloth and live in the light, not the darkness of despair.
If you have the urge to say "I can't".. replace it with "I choose not to"... makes a huge difference.
I don't have much to add. I think you have received some very wise advice. Just remember we have to get to a healthy place first before we can take care of others. Believe me I speak from experience. This battle continues to be ongoing for me. Just remember, on an airplane they tell you in case of an emergency to put the the oxygen on yourself first then take care of the ones that are unable to care for themselves. Take a deep breath NC, then help the boys to breathe.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yes, I had been seeing a IC, until last November. And yes, I had been on A-D's until last Fall. In both cases, I was taken off of them because I seemed to no longer need them anymore. My PMA had seemed very good.
Yoyo, yes, you're right. I need to heal me too.
All, I need to get my act in gear. My PMA has been in the toilet for a long time now. It started taking a nose dive about the time STBXW started her latest effort to negate my input in my S's lives. I may put my full faith and trust in the Lord, but I don't trust human beings to do the right thing. STBXW has continued to prove over and over just how treacherous we humans can really be. That's the basic cause for this fear that has been causing me to stumble. I've got to let go of that fear, for my sake and for my S's sake. And it makes me a poor Christian to be so down.
I am sick with a cold right now and I really need a rest.
Maybe a recheck, a tune up, in regards to the counseling and meds might be helpful. You want to be in a good place to make good decisions at this time.
My counselor said the above statement to me and it's become a mantra. I don't like being on meds, struggled with needing the help of a professional. Guess what, when it works.. it keeps me on an even keel. And I control how much I get out of it based on how invested I am.
She watches for when I start 'spinning'.. not being able to get out of a certain thought. That's the sign of depression and/or anxiety increasing. I can face it head on and work on it. If that doesn't work, then the meds might need to be adjusted. And anxiety is so pervasive. I hate how anxiety takes a kernel of truth and transforms it to the worst possible outcome. That's a harder one to stop, but you can do it.
From the outside looking in.. you're spinning. The fears are greater than anything else. You can do this on your own. The results just come faster with the help of professionals.
I agree. NC, you know I'm taking ADs & have since the bomb. And I don't plan on stopping until after the D, maybe a couple months after. This is probably the toughest, most difficult part of our lives, and I'm just trying to do everything to get through it: friends, GALing, ADs, therapy, exercise, God. If I've forgotten anything, let me know. Karen
Hello, all, I am here -- off and on this weekend. Sorry if I've been a little preoccupied. I've tried to lurk, but even that's been a little difficult.
I have taken everyone's advice to heart. In fact, I am getting ready to leave in about 30 minutes to see my counselor -- I can't believe we haven't met since August (is that right?) Miraculously, when I called him Friday, he had an opening today, on such short notice. God must agree too.
I have also gotten three referrals from Project Enlightenment for my S's. I have already given advance notice to STBXW that I was taking these measures on our S's behalf -- I certainly don't think I should withhold from her my plans concerning our S's even when she does not show such courtesy for me. But as expected, STBXW has been questioning me accusedly, as if children going through D don't need counseling. She even went so far as to say that I am the only real source of problems for our boys -- if I would stop trying to "convince" them that D is wrong and that it is such the tragedy I make it out to be, then our S's would not suffer any ill effects at all.
So she feels I have to adopt her warped line of thinking (or at least lie that way) to best help our children through the turmoil of D.
She's sick.
On the AD's, I can say that even when I was on the AD's that did not stop me from sinking to the lowest depths of depression anyway. Nothing I feel now is as dark as those months leading up to the bomb and shortly thereafter. I've been off the meds since September, and the current downturn I feel stems from my reaction to STBX's actions. She still has a way of stealing my joy -- and if not outright stealing, fooling me into not enjoying it.
I am hoping that my IC can advise me how best to cope with this emotional and spiritual burden and to gather my strength again so I can move forward. If he suggests AD's, then I will take him up on it.
I am hoping that my IC can advise me how best to cope with this emotional and spiritual burden and to gather my strength again so I can move forward. If he suggests AD's, then I will take him up on it.
This is all you can do. Reach out for help and be open to it.
Nocode...sigh....don't let anyone warp the view of your role as your son's father. Especially the selfish mother of those same boys.
I agree with you on one thing. Nothing at this point could drop me as low as I was pre-post bomb. Nothing. I honestly don't know how I survived it, not eating, not sleeping, barely a shell of a person. I can't even read back to my old threads.
Hope your appointment goes well. Don't hold back, nocode, get the help that is out there. ((((nocode and his boys))))
Karen