PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Thank you Kev and Hope for your words. Kev, it's really great that you are opening up and sharing your life with us. I am glad you feel it is safe to do so and it explains a lot about the kind of person you are today. You once made a mistake and you don't want to make the same mistake again, fair enough. I wonder why she thought she didn't love you anymore. Were there any signs? Any complaints or hints? To tell you the truth, my H and I were intimate again six weeks post partum with me breastfeeding and everything. Don't know if that is too soon or not as I don't ask many people questions like that. But I was just wondering...

I would agree with you in that I am very different from your W but I think I can still bring a woman's perspective into things. I know men and women think VERY differently. Do you really think that your W didn't think you were fun anymore and that is why you felt she didn't find you attractive? Is there more to it than that?

Anyway, work is going very well for me. I have to say that every other part of my life is going swimmingly well! How ironic! Because my H left me, I now have a new profession that let me work from home. I put in hours I want around the kids schedule and my exercise routine. I don't have a H so I can work at nights as well. What is even better is that I am getting more and more work opportunities so it's growing. I now have more closer relationships with my girlfriends and we talk about real things as opposed to just 'how are you, I am fine' - kind of thing, my relationship with my family has improved and I look better than I have in ten years! Really, I look better than when I was 30. Can't believe it myself but is taking care of myself and also dressing better everyday so I feel good and nice looking and sexy. I feel great when I walk out of the door in the morning. I feel everything is lining up really nicely. I just have a really screwed up M.

My C asked me today how I feel about things. I told him I feel that I am ready and willing to work on me and my part in the breakdown of M but the biggest deal-breaker is the A and OW. I can't work on this by myself. But if this doesn't work out, I need to move away. Can't stay in this city, not good for me or the kids. Can't have our world be about whether dad will show up or not or why he didn't come to such and such event and so on. It's way too stressful for us. If we moved away then we can just live our life with no expectations of his comings and goings and whether he will call or not. It took me a long time to be OK with this move thing. I tried to resist it but I know in the end, it's the best for us. I think I will give this to the end of the year. If he hasn't decided to work on M with me, then we will go. Not trying to manipulate or anything but can't stay here and be in limbo-land waiting for him to come out of fog. It would be almost two years from 2nd bomb and 3 years from first bomb.

I think he will help us move and let us go because it would be best for the kids but I think later on he will look back and regret this decision in his life. Maybe not now, maybe a few years later but when he is older and his A fades and he is out of MLC and he is looking for deeper meaning to his life, he will find himself with little or no connection with his kids, he will regret this. I feel sad for him but I cannot be responsible for his happiness. He is. This is his decision, not mine. I feel he is looking very hard for 'happiness'. I think he won't find it.