Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Flicka,

I mean ALL of this in the kindest way. I know you care about me and my children. I am working on SHOWING myself, my children and the world exactly that, but I am really having difficulty getting unstuck from the muck in my life. It's not that I don't want to do better. It's not that I don't need to do better. I do. I am simply stuck in my own emotional jail which keeps me from making the positive, forward-looking changes in my life. Most people in my life tell me that I just need to change; to just flip the switch and change. Unfortunately, for the first time in my life I am stuck emotionally and unable to break free of my own self-imposed emotional and subsequently physical lock down. Intellectually, I know what I need to do. I'm smart enough to know. Emotionally, I'm on empty and have been unable to snap out of it. I know it really does come down to becoming my own task master of a boss and driving myself of JUST DO IT! Insisting that I complete my mandatory tasks and keep myself within my own boundaries that I have set for myself but continually step outside of to my own emotional detriment. I know my children are confused by my interaction with my XW. Thankfully, they are not privy to the intimate moments, but I'm sure it's all confusing nonetheless for them. Heck, it's confusing for me, and I'm a participant on this roller coaster ride.

I know that my addiction to my XW makes me less credible. I know. Frank tells me that next time I need to stick with my boundaries for everyone's sake. I know what's right. Sticking to it is the problem. I don't intentionally mess with my children, but my actions don't show that. If I came across that I'm strutting like a turkey, I apologize. I've never been lower and my self-deprecating beatdowns on myself don't help my self-esteem. I have been keepin' on keepin' on in that my sitch is still alive, albeit in a misguided, twisting way. I'm not proud of anything in my sitch except the fact that I still have a sitch and because of that fact, hope for reconciliation still exists. THAT'S ALL!

I understand that as I see the reality of XW and I, that we both have a lot of growing to do separately in order to have ANY hope of a successful reconciliation. I'm not kidding myself. I'm stuck, not stupid and blind. I also understand that regardless of how my last 'encounter' with my XW went, and how the after effects have been, that likely it means little to her other than she got her physical needs met and I am still left emotionally empty by her. I don't want to be 'good.' I don't want to want her physically like I do. XW will be the second woman in my life that I will have told that I just can't do the 'encounter' thing because it hurts to much emotionally. I want ALL of her, not just that small part. Frank told me to keep doing what I'm doing, except for the 'encounter' part. He said to hold back on that until she decides she can't live without giving herself to me completely and being the partner that she can be and that I need her to be.

My plan? Ahhh, dear Flicka, you have hit on what is probably my biggest missing piece in my sitch and more importantly in my life. It has become clear to me that I DO NOT have a plan and haven't for a long, long time hence, it's evident to me and the world that there is no rhyme nor reason to the directions I travel. I am aimless and I need not be. My children deserve better. I want and deserve better. With a clear vision of what I want for me, my children, and my life, I would be making clear, logical, manageable steps towards my destination. Without a clearly defined vision or goal, ANY path will get me there, which is NOWHERE! I've been taking every path in a schizophrenic, illogical, frenetic, dizzying way that has only accomplished ONE positive thing for me which is it has somehow kept my sitch alive for me and mine.

Putting this to bed, I will spend 6-8 the weekend finalizing the form of my goals and plans. Going forward, my plan is to spend 1 hour each weekday tweaking my life goals and THEN planning my activities to get from where I am now to where I want/need to be. My clear goals will give me and my life meaning and focus, making me productive and happy again because I will have a well-defined purpose in my life.

Additionally, I will start sending out unsolicited resumes to my target potential employers and diligently follow up with the hiring powers that be to see what shakes loose. Just because a job doesn't exists today doesn't mean one won't exist tomorrow.
Tomorrow is TH. I will send out four tailored cover letters and resumes to my target companies. Friday, it will be 4 more. Monday-Friday next week 4 each day. The following week 6 each day, then 8 per day, and finally 10 per day. I know that the vast majority of my time will be spent on the phone trying to track down the name of the hiring manager that I will direct the cover letter and resume to and then follow up with. The more I do this, the more effective I will be at it and by putting my head knowledge into practical application, I will 'own' this knowledge and achieve my goal of moving forward employment wise, which will move my life in a very positive direction. No one can sort out my life but me and I'm done not being the leader in my own life. That's my plan for now. Take care of landing a job.