Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Finishing up my last post, in speaking with my friend, Wil, he simply said that he's curious how XW will turn our intimacy into my fault. As of yet, that hasn't happened. Yesterday evening, when the children were asleep I brought her into the LR to show her some black marks on the couch. I asked her, do you know what those marks are? She shook her head. I gestured to my eyes, mimicking applying mascara and she erupted laughing. Funny moment. Good moment. No drama. No blame.

In speaking with frank_D, he brought a more sobering point to light. I told XW that I didn't want to simply have s*x with her; that I wanted what I've always wanted, ALL of her, and yet I let my desires and her manipulate me out of my manhood...out of my own boundaries and I came looking weak and capable of being manipulated. Thanks, Frank, for shining the light on what I don't want to see, which is that the easy wasy is called easy for a reason. The right way is the way to gaining my manhood and re-capturing my XW's heart 100%, instead of giving my self to her to satisfy her passing 'need', and placing my true need behind her transient one. Live and learn. I don't feel bad at all about sharing myself with my XW, but I do see it as another test that I didn't pass for myself or for her.

I am clear that what happened happened because she is a woman and I am a man who is still deeply in love with her. I make no apologies for that, but I realize that I need to stick with what is right instead of what feels good in the moment. More moments will come again. My intention is to honor my boundaries for myself, and soon, as frank_D says, she will see the real man that she walked away from and won't allow herself to live without.

[Flicka]

Tell friend Wil, that I like him more than I like you. While you are saute-ing in the frying pan, I am laughing and I am in awe. Everybody wants to have magic with their ex-lovers...

You have a better relationship, day to day, with your chosen wife than I have with my H. I give up. I defer!

Tom, you are so whacked and intense and wordy and crazy. I bet you win!!

[still hopeful]

Flicka,

I am uncertain about the meaning of your message. I would love to feel comfortable and confident in the way that you and others do in DBing, but I am also confident that many people have had both successes and failures in their efforts from both ends of the spectrum. I come here for support and to air 'things' out so I can process them. I come here to get different perspectives, NOT orders on what I must do. I am doing the best that I know how and I know that my efforts might blow up in my face, but I am doing the best that I am able. If that is frustrating to others, so be it. I am not them and my sitch is not theirs. I don't like my odds of reconciling with my XW, but at least I still have odds...many don't. I'm still working on me every day. I am a good man. I deserve better. I deserve more. I deserve my wife back, but I don't control that. My wordiness is me processing. My craziness is me dealing with a reality that I didn't choose and I don't like. If my friend Wil is easier to like, again, so be it. I like his life better than I like mine, but I like me! QUESTION: What are you in awe about? Since everybody wants to have magic with their ex-lovers, that makes me normal, no...? I'm not sure what your R is like with your husband from day to day, but if my relationship with my XW is better than yours, that makes me sad for both of you, because ours is certainly NOT good. We all have crap to deal with, sometimes other people's crap seems easier to deal with because it isn't OURS.

I give up. I defer!

Tom, you are so whacked and intense and wordy and crazy. I bet you win!!

PLEASE EXPLAIN: I admit. I am selfish. I want it all with my XW. I may not get that, but it won't be because I gave up on finding the correct answers to make our R great.

If I sound a bit terse, it's because I'm hurt sometimes by people who I believed cared about me as a person. I know I am not right all the time. I'm just making the best I can of a sh!tty situation. If I offended you, Flicka, or anyone else, I sincerely apologize.

[PMA_Baby!]

sh - Did I miss something or did u just sleep w your ex?

[still hopeful]

No, you didn't miss anything. Yes, sleeping together did occur...after the good, fun s*x. But so far, my friend Wil's concerns about my XW's playing the blame game haven't come true and I don't think they will. I've talked with XW several times and she tells me she does remember everything that happened, but still wants me to fill her in on all of our talking. I told her I will, when she and I have longer than 5 minutes uninterrupted. I told her not to worry, she simply told me about her feelings for me and I simply want to verify whether her feelings are true feelings or were only true 'in the moment.' As careful as I was tiptoeing through that land mine, as fun as it was, and as much as what happened was what I truly wanted, I still understand that my XW's emotions are like the SE United States' weather patterns during hurricane season...volatile, dangerous, and predictable only in their instability. I've talked with her several times since, and none of our talks even hinted against remorse or blame on her part. So...no real change for us except that we added a nice time to our list of nice times enjoyed together.

I do believe that frank_D is correct, though, in keeping true to my boundaries no matter how appealing connecting with her in that way is. I am still selfish and I only really want ALL of her and giving her bits and pieces of me simply makes it easier for her to say away because her appetite for me is satiated because I keep allowing bits of me onto her plate. Not an effective way to win her back. I believe that ALL or nothing is, with regard to physical intimacy. I'm learning and growing. Learning about myself, my XW, and the dynamics in our R.

I'm bumbling through, but I am making progress, no matter how slow and painful it is. I know I am still in the 'game.' I still have the opportunity to make us both come out winners.

[PMA_Baby!]

Wow! ok. Well there is definitely still a connection then. Just keep on doing what yr doing.

[still hopeful]

There is still hope. I'm trying not to piss it away. I am surrounded by people who tell me that I'm nuts for still holding on; still believing that hope exists for my R with my XW; still seeing the best in my XW, despite all that has transpired. I continue working on making myself worth coming back to, in her eyes. As I said, she's volatile and unpredictable, but then again, that's what I fell in love with. <heavy sigh> I have my challenges in life outside of my sitch and I'm working tirelessly to get my 'stuff' in order so that I will move forward productively. Ultimately, I do want to be married go my XW again, but neither of us wants our 'old' marriage back. As I grow and become both a better man and more accepting of myself, I am seeing the entire world through new lenses and my future is looking brighter.

So, yes, I'll just keep on keepin' on and do my best to NOT continue being my own biggest stumbling block and worst critic. I know that a lot of what I've done up till now has been good and correct, but I also know that I've done some things wrong. I am just trying to stay in the 'game' long enough to continue healing and improving myself in hopes that my XW will find the best in herself. It's only then that we both will be able to make a correct decision about what our future holds for us together, if anything. I'm holding on until God makes it clear to me that doing so is not His will. Until then, I'll keep on keepin' on and continue posting, letting others know what is happening in my sitch and hopefully allowing them to learn from my mistakes and successes.

Regardless, I'm here because I find both healing, encouragement and different perspectives from others to determine what is MY best course of action with MY XW in MY situation. I know that how I reap, my actions and/or inactivity, is exactly what I will sow. I simply pray and trust that those who care about me and the outcome of my situation will stick with me and offer their thoughts without judgment and/or exasperation. I do subscribe to the belief that we can say what we mean without being mean and that I'd rather be happy than be right.

Thanks for reading and caring enough to post. All who do help rejuvenate my spirit and strengthen my resolve.

[Flicka]

Tom, I am one of them that can't say what I mean, without being mean.

I keep getting myself into problems on this board by firing on people I care about. I care about you but I REALLY care about your kids. You are messing with them. When you cross boundaries with your addicted wifey, you make your own self less credible.

When I typed to you, I thought you had no job or house and imagined you sobbing into a damp pillow in your momma's basement. Instead, I find you strutting like a turkey {midwest} and congratulating yourself about 'keeping on'.

I am here to tell you that an 'encounter' does not mean too much to a PLAYER like Wife "E". Reconsider what you are telling your children. You are confusing them very much. Otherwise, it would not matter much. You would be so happy for a minute or maybe a whole damn day.

You are good. Keep being good. Especially in bed. Did she invite you back? I hope so. Maybe you are sobbing into the icky couch pillows in your mother's basement.

What is your plan? I do not have a good one this week, so do not feel too obliged to elaborate.

Love,
Flicka {I do not want to type here. Just know I do admire you even when I don't.}

[still hopeful]

Flicka,

I mean ALL of this in the kindest way. I know you care about me and my children. I am working on SHOWING myself, my children and the world exactly that, but I am really having difficulty getting unstuck from the muck in my life. It's not that I don't want to do better. It's not that I don't need to do better. I do. I am simply stuck in my own emotional jail which keeps me from making the positive, forward-looking changes in my life. Most people in my life tell me that I just need to change; to just flip the switch and change. Unfortunately, for the first time in my life I am stuck emotionally and unable to break free of my own self-imposed emotional and subsequently physical lock down. Intellectually, I know what I need to do. I'm smart enough to know. Emotionally, I'm on empty and have been unable to snap out of it. I know it really does come down to becoming my own task master of a boss and driving myself of JUST DO IT! Insisting that I complete my mandatory tasks and keep myself within my own boundaries that I have set for myself but continually step outside of to my own emotional detriment. I know my children are confused by my interaction with my XW. Thankfully, they are not privy to the intimate moments, but I'm sure it's all confusing nonetheless for them. Heck, it's confusing for me, and I'm a participant on this roller coaster ride.

I know that my addiction to my XW makes me less credible. I know. Frank tells me that next time I need to stick with my boundaries for everyone's sake. I know what's right. Sticking to it is the problem. I don't intentionally mess with my children, but my actions don't show that. If I came across that I'm strutting like a turkey, I apologize. I've never been lower and my self-deprecating beatdowns on myself don't help my self-esteem. I have been keepin' on keepin' on in that my sitch is still alive, albeit in a misguided, twisting way. I'm not proud of anything in my sitch except the fact that I still have a sitch and because of that fact, hope for reconciliation still exists. THAT'S ALL!

I understand that as I see the reality of XW and I, that we both have a lot of growing to do separately in order to have ANY hope of a successful reconciliation. I'm not kidding myself. I'm stuck, not stupid and blind. I also understand that regardless of how my last 'encounter' with my XW went, and how the after effects have been, that likely it means little to her other than she got her physical needs met and I am still left emotionally empty by her. I don't want to be 'good.' I don't want to want her physically like I do. XW will be the second woman in my life that I will have told that I just can't do the 'encounter' thing because it hurts to much emotionally. I want ALL of her, not just that small part. Frank told me to keep doing what I'm doing, except for the 'encounter' part. He said to hold back on that until she decides she can't live without giving herself to me completely and being the partner that she can be and that I need her to be.

My plan? Ahhh, dear Flicka, you have hit on what is probably my biggest missing piece in my sitch and more importantly in my life. It has become clear to me that I DO NOT have a plan and haven't for a long, long time hence, it's evident to me and the world that there is no rhyme nor reason to the directions I travel. I am aimless and I need not be. My children deserve better. I want and deserve better. With a clear vision of what I want for me, my children, and my life, I would be making clear, logical, manageable steps towards my destination. Without a clearly defined vision or goal, ANY path will get me there, which is NOWHERE! I've been taking every path in a schizophrenic, illogical, frenetic, dizzying way that has only accomplished ONE positive thing for me which is it has somehow kept my sitch alive for me and mine.

Putting this to bed, I will spend 6-8 the weekend finalizing the form of my goals and plans. Going forward, my plan is to spend 1 hour each weekday tweaking my life goals and THEN planning my activities to get from where I am now to where I want/need to be. My clear goals will give me and my life meaning and focus, making me productive and happy again because I will have a well-defined purpose in my life.

Additionally, I will start sending out unsolicited resumes to my target potential employers and diligently follow up with the hiring powers that be to see what shakes loose. Just because a job doesn't exists today doesn't mean one won't exist tomorrow.
Tomorrow is TH. I will send out four tailored cover letters and resumes to my target companies. Friday, it will be 4 more. Monday-Friday next week 4 each day. The following week 6 each day, then 8 per day, and finally 10 per day. I know that the vast majority of my time will be spent on the phone trying to track down the name of the hiring manager that I will direct the cover letter and resume to and then follow up with. The more I do this, the more effective I will be at it and by putting my head knowledge into practical application, I will 'own' this knowledge and achieve my goal of moving forward employment wise, which will move my life in a very positive direction. No one can sort out my life but me and I'm done not being the leader in my own life. That's my plan for now. Take care of landing a job.

[Flicka]

Tom, my baby sister is in AA. She insists we should all just try to do the next "right thing". I trust you to protect your kids and value yourself.

I know you are at a low spot, but I assure you that you will cycle out of it because you are capable and willing to take care of yourself. Some day you and I will meet up and laugh about how awful some of this was...

Keep your plan to send resumes. Consider temporary agencies for in-between... You are so smart... lose the fear. I will too.