A lot of Cs don't believe in such a thing as an MLC, do they? I did some research on the internet and was pretty sure that was what my H was going through, but most info was written by men (largely) who'd experienced it. It was such a relief to find this site, and that essay by MWD in which she expressed that she'd come to believe MLCs existed, and often happened to guys who'd previously been quite upstanding. By that point my H had been in his crisis for 3 years, and I'd been wondering to myself how I'd never noticed during our earlier years that he was a monster of selfishness. But now that he's come out of the fog he's not cold, selfish, avoidant, workaholic, etc anymore, so I believe this is his true personality. I dunno where the rest of it came from. Depression? self-hatred? the negative aspects of his personality in full control? I also read somewhere that when someone dies their loved ones can sometimes take on aspects of their personality, so perhaps he was becoming the most wounding version of his mom?
Incidentally, my H's C also said there was no such thing as an MLC. However, that didn't stop him from getting H unentangled from it. I wasn't sure if he said that because he didn't want it to become an "excuse" for bad behaviour, or, more likely, if he was just approaching the same symptoms from a different perspective.
My H has always had a dreadful memory himself! The other day he was talking about "our terrible year." I pointed out that the terrible time had lasted for 4.5 years. He was quite amazed. He has no clear memory of things that sometimes still feel pretty gutting to me. If I bring up anything (which I don't do often), he admits to a very hazy memory of feeling very angry at the kids all the time, or of wanting to run away, etc, but he's quite surprised to hear the specific things he said.
Another thing "they" tell you is that your H did register what you said, on some level. For much of the MLC period, nothing I said seemed to penetrate. But recently he's told me many times how much he regrets hurting me and how he beats himself up for it. Now that his morality has returned, he has trouble accepting how he behaved. I guess that makes it a lot easier to (almost) trust him--there was a long period there when I didn't see how I could, after all those lies and omissions. But he really isn't that person any more.
I can understand the new bed for your new start. How horrible that he moved in so close to you--is he still there, or is the govt-assisted housing further away? Isn't it amazing how he could go from great job/great wife/great house to his present circumstances so quickly. Yet I'm surprised how many times I see the same story on these boards. And I'm really torn between anger at these guys who shred the lives of their loved ones, and sadness for their self-destructive misery.
The wildflower garden sounded lovely, but I'm sure a condo's better for now. And the cats sound like great companions. Does your condo have a balcony where you can put out some planters in the summer?
I hope you're enjoying that pound cake tonight....
