Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

First thread getting long so I'm starting a new one before it locks and changing name to my current state of mind. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1715145&page=0&fpart=1

I am doing much better at acting "as if". I am doing better at being friendly not pouty or cold and much much better at not reacting to anything negative she does. She has been abrupt and rude a number of times this weekend and every time I didn't respond. I have also been able to not interfere at all when she is disciplining the kids even when I thought she is being to harsh. I figure she has been that way for a long time a while longer can't be much worse. I think she is also being hormonal right now so it is easy to disregard what she does.

On the other hand I am not good at detaching mentally. I still think about her constantly and have a hard time sleeping. I am totally distracted at work. At an oscar party last night, at a friends, everything reminded me of her. All the othe couples, many of the movies. And last night I dreamed about getting back together again. I have read that spending time alone makes it harder to keep your mind off of it and my 30 min commute each way is definitely a bad time for thinking. This is my main thing to work on.

As far as 180's I am trying to do something new each week and focus on that. I have done listening and not interupting pretty good and don't have to think about it as much. I have gotten the not reacting or interfering down pretty good and this week I am going to work on complimenting her. I am reading the 5 love languages and I think that words might be her love language. It is one of the things she mentioned a lot about during the breakup and she does it alot.

I am also trying to be more optomistic and just think of this as seperation where I am giving her space and not think so much about the worst case scenario.

[hopefulinEG]

W was going to IC but I haven't heard or seen anything to indicate she is still going. Should I ask her if she's still going or encourage her to go. Would that appear to be controlling or pursuing?

I think it's important for her to go and work through issues as much as it scares me that the C might support her wanting a D.

[Regrets]

Best wishes to you. I can't comment if you should ask her as I've not got my head round DB yet. I really hope you get good results.

[pearlharbr]

On the other hand I am not good at detaching mentally. I still think about her constantly and have a hard time sleeping. I am totally distracted at work. At an oscar party last night, at a friends, everything reminded me of her. All the othe couples, many of the movies. And last night I dreamed about getting back together again. I have read that spending time alone makes it harder to keep your mind off of it and my 30 min commute each way is definitely a bad time for thinking. This is my main thing to work on.

I know it's hard, this is why it's recommended to fill your time with GAL activities. Can you listen to a book during your commute? That really keeps your mind occupied, much better than music. Do NOT go see movies that will remind you of your sitch. I learned this the hard way! (But I was trying to see all the Oscar pics before the awards...) Other movies are a good distraction though. Or taking some type of class. Don't know what to tell you about work. Maybe you can write down a few goals of what you want to accomplish during the day so you can having something visual to remind you to stay on task.

And see your doctor about sleeping pills. They help. A lot.

Keep working, it will get easier.

[hopefulinEG]

I know it's hard, this is why it's recommended to fill your time with GAL activities. Can you listen to a book during your commute? That really keeps your mind occupied, much better than music. Do NOT go see movies that will remind you of your sitch. I learned this the hard way! (But I was trying to see all the Oscar pics before the awards...) Other movies are a good distraction though. Or taking some type of class. Don't know what to tell you about work. Maybe you can write down a few goals of what you want to accomplish during the day so you can having something visual to remind you to stay on task.

And see your doctor about sleeping pills. They help. A lot.

Keep working, it will get easier.

Thanks Pearlharbr - I'm so grateful for this community and talking to people that have been where I am.

I have been listening to podcasts on my commute and that helps some but I find my mind wandering back to her.

I am looking into taking some online college classes. My IC suggested it and I hadn't even thought of it but it's a good way to GAL and distract myself. And work will reimburse so it won't even cost me. =)

I have an appointment with my Dr on Wed morning to get sleeping pills. I am really happy to finally get in because I really need them right now.

[hopefulinEG]

Tonight my Sis is coming to stay the night with her new twins and I am so looking forward to spending some time with her. She always make me feel so good.

I'm having an OK day. I am feeling like I need to spend a few days thinking about how much I love my W. I think I have lost touch with why I am doing all this. I have gotten so into avoiding and ignoring her and not enjoyed being around her. It is one thing to purposely stay away and 180 but I should enjoy this time in the same house. I also think it would help me be more friendly. I think I have taken my staying away and not initiating conversation a little to far and seemed stand offish and cold. Need to work on detached but friendly. =)

[pollyanna]

Sleeping pills probably saved my sanity. It was not even the nights sleep , so much as it was dreamless therefore your brain switched off your situation.

I was worried about becoming addicted but that did not happen , as soon as I started to feel better I naturally slowed down taking them and then stopped. Then i hit another bad patch and am on them again but not worried.

[hopefulinEG]

I screwed up tonight. 3 weeks without any fighting and I had to start something. D8 had a little hissy fit at bedtime. I was going back to deal with it and I stopped at W's room to ask her opinion on how to handle it. She basically said deal with it yourself and so I left and went to handle it. I left D8 in her room and read to D6 instead of both of them as a consequence for her disrespect and helling at me. So as I was reading to D6 W comes back and goes into D8's room and starts disciplining her and interfering with what I had been doing. After I finished with D6 I went to talk to D8 and talked about the consequence for her bad behavior bla bla bla and did exactly what I had planned to do and put her to bed.

So then I went to W room and asked her if she agreed that we should cancel the MC appointment on Monday morning. She said Yes. I said I thought it wasn't helpful and that W didn't ever have any issue to bring up I didn't know why we should go. And she agreed and I left. So this is where I got stupid. I knew that I should wait until the next day to talk to W about the D8 incident but she had seemed so amicable when I had just been in there I thought maybe it wasn't a bad time to talk to her.

So I went in and asked said that something to the effect of I would appreciate it if you would let me deal with them on my own when I am trying to discipline them. She of course got defensive about all the reasons she should have done it and she didn't know I was disciplining her bla bla bla. I started to walk out and then she made some snide comment and I turned around and said something like just once it would be nice if you could just hear me out. She said that that's all she does lately is hear me out. I said when was the last time you heard me out. She didn't say anything and I said, Yeah you can't find an example because there isn't one. She made a snide comment and I said and when was the last time I even talked to you. and walked out.

I feel like I have just undone all the good I might have done in the past few weeks. I am feeling so hopeless right now. I have such a hard time keeping a PMA already and when I see her like tonight where she seems like she hates me so much it makes me so sad and hopeless.

I don't know how to get through the next few months. It is supposed to take at least that long for her anger towards me to start to go away but how do I not think constantly about the worst case and her never getting over her anger. It makes me so afraid and then I want to do stupid things like go and ask her to take me back and try again, and I won't, but I want to all the time. And then I get angry because it hurts to much and I am so sick of hurting, it makes me want to give up but then I can't even imagine how to do that either.

I am such a mess tonight. Luckily I go to the my C tomorrow morning and can get some meds and maybe get this rollercoaster to slow down.

I'm still very glad to be able to write this all here and not take it out on her or do something even more stupid.

[pollyanna]

As long as its hate - its an emotion. Much better than indifference !!!! Be thankful for small mercys

[hopefulinEG]

As long as its hate - its an emotion. Much better than indifference !!!! Be thankful for small mercys

I was just thinking about that this morning at the Dr Office. I read somewhere about that and that as long as their is anger there is still feeling and there is a chance. Or something like that. I am going to hold onto that thought. I see her anger getting worse the last week or so. Maybe that is a good thing and not a bad thing. I know that their anger is partly to help themselves justify their actions to themselves. If I am the bad guy then she is right to do what she is doing. She had to keep finding things to stay mad at me about. I am trying very hard not to add any more fuel to her fire on that.

I found one thing to do nice for her. She got mad the other night that her 2 favorite mechanical pencils wouldn't work and after spending some time trying to fix them, she threw them away. I pulled them out of the trash and fixed them. I am going to leave them for her on her desk to find. I am wondering if I should leave a note or just leave them with no explanation. I was also thinking that I would wait until a day that we hadn't had any bad interaction so she will be more receptive to a nice gesture.