Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[glamgirl]

BM is right. Nothing wrong with meeting an old friend. Your friend has changed too, he won't be same from HS. Who is really. What you can't do is have any expectations about anything.

You are jumping from A-Z. Stop in between and enjoy those letters too.

Now I forget you are driving where and when soon?

[Treese]

Silent...

My MIL told me the same thing, that it is over and I need to move on....well, I'm trying...just not that easy for me to drop 30 years and start over....

I too keep in contact with a former friend from High School who has been divorced for 8 years...never really dated anyone because he just poured what he had into his now 19 yr old daughter...she attended the school I work at so I know her well and I went to school with her mom...He and I have gone out a few times and had a ball...nothing wrong with enjoying yourself every now and again....takes your mind off things for a short time...

Anyway....hang in there....I'm thinkin about ya....

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[BM]]]], [[[[GG]]]]], and [[[[Treese]]]].

Thank you guys so much for your support and encouragement!!

J was supposed to call me last night, but didn't. And no contact today either, so I'm not sure what to think, but no biggie. It's all good.

I'm having to come down hard on my son. He hasn't been going to school and is about to get disenrolled. I went over to the house because he was there this weekend. He had told me H gave him work to do over there, so I gave him the key, but then H told me that the work he gave S was in the yard. So, I went over and checked the place. There is a huge dent in a wall downstairs. S says he "fell". I'm pretty sure he was drinking. A bunch of the windows were unlock and the door too. So I locked everything up.

S took money out of my purse again without permission (I've lost count of the times he's done this). Tomorrow I am taking him for eval for another drug/alcohol program. Then in the afternoon we have C. We gotta figure a way to get this kid turned around!! I have now told him that when I leave in the morning to go to work, he has to leave too. He can't be in the apartment without me here. We'll do that for a week, and see how he does. If he does well (i.e. school, and/or a job, etc.), I will give him back some the key and try again. I love my son so much and I don't want to "kick him out", but I can't allow him to be in my home if I can't trust him. I can't afford it!

I had a little bit of a heated discussion with H today. I had called him to let him know I was going over to the house. We also ended up talking a little about the bankruptcy, and H made a comment about how we'll each get a house. I asked why HE got the "dream house". He said because he could afford it. Remember he had promised me (in front of the kids) that we would sell it if we D? Well, of course with the market the way it is, that's not a good financial decision now. But, I told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that his word seems to mean nothing, and that he should be aware that I will never sign any papers that give him sole posession of the dream house! Ever! I didn't get really emotional either. I just told him how I felt. I said his idea about continuing for us both to own it if fine for now, because that's the best for us both financially, but I just wanted him to realize where I stood. In the end, he apologized for sounding "flip" in his talking about the house and he meant it when he said that he did not want to hurt me or "shaft" me either practically or financially. So, the conversation ended well.

Went to deep water aerobics last night with my mom, step dad, D24 and a friend of mine. It was a lot of fun, and we plan to keep going every Tuesday and Thursday.

Oh, in answer to your question, Glam, S17 and I are supposed to be driving down to Southern CA at the end of March to pick up some furniture and stuff of my Dad's that my MIL has at her house. When my Dad died, we put it in her garage because we had flown down there. We haven't been back down there with the truck since then (always flew), so the stuff is still there. So, if I can stand to be with S17 in the truck for hours on end, then we'll go down to get the stuff during his spring break......although now that I think of it, since he's f'ing up school so bad, it may not matter if it's during spring break or not!

I'm tired. I think I am going to go lay down and maybe read a book.

[glamgirl]

SC just swing by and pick me up on your way down. I have family in southern CA.

[sandycay]

Hey SC,

I tried calling you back today but no answer. I hope you are well. I will call you in a couple of days or email you when I can.

(((((SC)))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, my DB friends!

Sorry for the absence the past few days. Not much happening really to write about......I know that never stopped me before, but....

S17 is still making poor decisions. He is on "restriction" now, whereby he can not be in the apartment without me. That means he leaves when I leave at 5:30am, and can come back when I get home around 6pm. I hate so much that it's come to this, but I can't trust him to not have his "friends" in the place.

My step-brother wants S17 to come live with him for a year. He says that S is a mirror image of him at that age. Step-bro(SB) has been "training" S17 in martial arts whenever they get the chance and S17 really respects him, but S17 says he doesn't want to go live there (because he knows that he can't get away with anything with SB). But, I think S17 may respond better to SB than to going to "out patient group therapy" twice per week. Surprisingly, H even agrees and thinks S17 should think more seriously about taking SB up on his offer.

I found out today that I only get to maintain my military benefits (medical, commissary, etc...) for one year after divorce. This is not the way I understood it before. It's because only 18 years of our M was H on active duty. To maintain benefits it would have to be at leasts 20 years "active". Add to that the fact that in my state, they look back two years to determine "income", that means that the bonuses I received the past two years (which were substantial) will be counted in determining "earnings potential", even thought the market has now crashed and I will be unlikely to get any bonuses at all!! [It should be noted in the last couple years, that bonuses basically doubled my salary]. So, basically, if H files for D within the next two years, I'm pretty screwed. But, H says he's not looking to do that to me....(yea, that makes me feel so secure).

My old Jr High "flame" seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. We e-mailed back and forth for a couple days and he seems so excited that we would get the chance to meet up, and said he was going to call me last Tuesday night.....and then never called, or e-mailed, or anything. I called and left one message, and e-mailed him, but no reply.......strange....

Friday, I went out to dinner with one of my best friends and her H. Saturday, SB brought his daughter over and we did some shopping and then had dinner here at my place and watched a movie. Yesterday, I vegged all day.

I haven't been sleeping too good, but I have found that taking a Melatonin supplement helps a little with that.

H and S17 are supposed to have C tomorrow, but after S17's behavior today, I asked if perhaps it would be prudent for H and I to meet with C to discuss options......H hasn't returned that call. I have only called H to discuss S17, or finances, as requested, but as there is a lot going on with both those issues, it still seems like we talk a lot. He's cordial, but sometimes I feel like he gets frustrated and blames me for calls, but I really don't call unless I feel it's important.

Well, I have Deep Water Aerobics Tuesday and Thursdays. IC on Wednesdays. Have friends to do things with, so overall I guess I'm doing OK.

[Silent Chrleader]

Issues with S17 continue........H was all ready to give up on him again yesterday, but C was successful in calming him down, and today, I was the one at the end of my rope with S17, and H actually was understanding and kept a cool head and calmed me down!!

My conversations with H are actually getting almost friendly! In a conversation I had with him yesterday, I had a little backslide sort of. We were talking about the bankruptcy and the fact that I will lose my military benefits a year after divorce (which I told H really concerned me, and was annoyed when he told me he had already known that they only lasted a year). Anyway, I asked H if he ever even thought about not getting a D. He said "No.".......and then said "But then I don't think about getting a D either."...... I had to laugh at that one.

He said he was just really content with were he was right now and just going to take it one day at a time. I told him I was pretty content right now myself. He then told me that he knew I had concerns that he was going to "screw me over", but that wasn't going to happen. I know that can certainly change, but I am grateful for that sentiment right now.

It seems like he is really happy like he says and is probably not ever going to entertain the idea of a reconciliation. That saddens me, but I am happy for the cooperation we have right now for S17 and our financial sitch.

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling pretty down right now.

Yesterday was my birthday and I stayed home from work and slept in. H called in the morning to talk to S17, who was still asleep. Before I hung up, I said "By the way, thanks for wishing me a happy birthday." (*click*) I know it was a catty thing to do, but I don't really care right now.

Last night, went out with fried and step-brother. We had a good visit and it was fun.

I have not been doing well on my "diet". I am up about 5 lbs in spite of the fact that I did the deep water aerobics 2x last week. I need to get back on the wagon.

Today I got a $304 cable TV bill from S17 and his friends doing Adult movies on pay-per view. I don't have it. S17 said he had told H about it (like that helps) and when I called H, he just said that he has told me before that I should just turn off the pay-per view, and he's right he has, but I use it on occaision and want to keep it. I guess I need to figure out the parental control feature.........

H was not only unsympathetic, but kinda condescending to me, and said he had "to get back to his shopping" to which I said "What....are you not alone?" He hung up on me. So, I called back, but he then wasn't answering his phone. So, I left a message saying "Thank you so much for your kind attitude....it gives me such a warm fuzzy!".......and then I called again an left another messages saying "By the way, I'm sorry for making you feel uncompfortable with my show of emotion. I wish I could just turn it off like you do, but unfortunately, that's not in my make up, especially since yesterday and today are usually special days to me, although I know they are not to you. It hurts me that my husband of 26 years can't even wish me a Happy Birthday. And I know that you never gave a crap about the anniversary of the day we met (that's today) but I did. So, I apologize for my "emotionality", but I know I will get over it one day."

Yep, major backslide. And right now I don't care! Other than the fact that I know he sees my emotionality as an indication that I am still "pining" for him, which is NOT the case anymore!

I don't think I can afford to go to CA at the end of the month as I had planned.......

I'm sorry I haven't been posting, friends.......just not much to say.......Despite the fact that I am pretty down right this minute, I haven't been doing bad over all emotionally. In fact, some of my "falling off the wagon" on my diet, has been because I have been feeling a little better I think, and some of my appetite has come back. I need to get a hold of that!

Although, maybe some of it is "stress eating" because I have been thinking about some life changes. For example, I have applied to the local community college, and am planning to start taking a course in Chemistry. This is a pre-requisite for getting into their Nursing program. Years ago, I had wanted to go to school to be a Nurse but ended up going to work instead because we needed the money (mostly for H's toys, although that was me trying to "buy his love" because I never seemed to measure up in other ways)

Anyway, I am conflicted because I have a very good paying job, but it is not fulfilling in any way but money. That has not been a big problem in the past because my focus was my home life, but now........I would really like to have a job that I look forward to going to and feel I make a difference. My absolute dream job would be working in maternity, or pediatrics. But the job I have now has an unbeatable retirement (they put 25% of my salary toward it annually and it's fully vested from day 1) That's not "matching" like a 401k, or withholding from my salary, that's hard dollars they put in!

That's hard to walk away from. It's definitely a risk, but I want to be happy in my daily life! And since it's fully vested, it's not like I loose what I have built up. Still, going back to school is a stress too. So, I figured I would go ahead and start taking the pre-requisites, because they will take a year (because they have to be taken in sequence, not concurrently). I will see how it goes and if it still seems like a good idea when I am finished with them, I will continue......

[glamgirl]

Sorry you are down today. Oh well with the backslides we all have them and you are right you don't have to care right now. What can I say, men in mlc or wanting out of the m are NOT going to care right now. They just aren't.

Boy your s17 is out of control right now. I do know how that is. Mine was kicked out of school and didn't graduate from HS, but he is an awesome kid now, but it wasn't until he got off of everything he was using and doing.

I really don't have any advice there, mine was an intervention by the law and God. All I can do is thank God that was how our nightmare ended back then. I would cut the cable or get a lock down on the parental controls ASAP. I would get a lock for your bedroom too, and the key stays with you. Get a safe for your bedroom closet and store all your valuables in there. Even if that means locking up your purse every night. We got a small safe at Costco at a reasonable price.

Hang in there. Happy belated B-day!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, [[[[[[Glam]]]]]]!

Thanks for the support! Yes, S17 worries all of us who love him (and fortunately for him [and us] that is many!). The proposal by SB for him to go live there for a year, and that being supported as a real viable idea by both H and me and C, seems to have rattled S17's cage (finally!) and he seems to be attempting to change his tune some. This afternoon, after I called him about the cable bill, he called back and apologized and said that happened a few weeks ago when he had his friends over (and I knew that from the dates on the cable bill). He said he was very sorry and promised (without me asking) that it would absolutely not happen again. So, he was very "contrite" as opposed to the usual defensiveness and attitude, which was a very nice change of pace. And when I said "OK", he said he loved me. I know I'm a sucker, and he's likely biting his tongue to keep from spewing the normal crud, but at least he's trying to talk the talk, and that's a step in the right direction!!

By the way, I do have a lock on my bedroom door.....S17 learned how to pick it within a day of putting it on...... he's such a smart boy!!!.......I'm soooo proud!!!

So, GG, when are you coming up to our neck of the woods?? E-mail me in the alt!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]