After making this my home for just over a year, I decided what the hell and I called a DB coach. The things i have done this year have kept me "in the game" (meaning, the affair is over and neither of us had said we want a divorce and actually meant it , no actions taken in that way)---but they haven't helped me "seal the deal" (successfully piece).
So.....I decided that since I have been on a bit of a plateau, with Dan doing the "maybe/maybe not" cha-cha, it was time to Do Something Different. So I called the coach.
Seems I owe all of my buddies some $$ b/c she said what ya'll have been saying.
Rule #1--TALKING HAS BEEN TAKEN OFF THE TABLE Not all talking, that would be silly But "R" talk is verboten. We agreed that when ever he launches an "I want us to work out" message, via text, email, or whatever, I follow up on it, ready for "the plan"
which leads to
Rule #2--NO MORE LIST-MAKING/PLANNING/PUSHING My good pal Mikey tells me I overthink. Ding ding! We have a winner. Cheryl (DB Coach) said it was "cute" the way I always have a goal, a plan, a list.....but H doesn't see it that way. He sees pressure, expectations, disappointment when he doesn't reach my bar...
So....what HAS worked?
Rule #3--Witty banter/flirting is a GOOD thing In lieu of doing a temperature-check, go with the witty banter/sarcasm that was a hallmark of our dating relationship. During his A, my H would not flirt/banter with me. On and off during our piecing attempts we started up again. Lately the banter has been going pretty well. There was a suggestion to add some physical touches here and there...I mentioned I DID kick him in the butt the other night over some crack he made. She thought that was a good thing since he kept on teasing me. So I now have permission to kick his butt...
Rule #4 Family Time + Thinking Time = Growth??
I told her my concerns about having "happy family time" vs allowing H to miss us. I also mentioned his new house project and the hours he spends their on his own, as he told me, his "thinking time". She said it was good to have our Family Day on Sundays, with a couple of other positive experiences during the week. Then on the days when he is at his house working, his "thinking time" will include fun times with us and he may desire more of that...
Rule #5--RELAX! (and deflect)
I need to relax more around H and set a goal of him being relaxed more around me. If we typically have a little "r" talk right before he leaves, he is surely tensing up and leaving with that feeling of tension. If I am relaxed and fun, "light" when we are together, he may lose that tension over time as he sees I am not waiting to "pounce" with R talk or ??s
Deflect--When H does launch those messages "I don't know how to do this without you", "I am trying to figure out how to make us better", instead of following up/chasing that information, I should deflect. Say, "I am glad to know you feel that way" or "Thank you for sharing", or if he says he doesn't know how to make us work, just say "It's okay, just relax and we can enjoy each other and not worry about that right now", etc
My Challenge?
To do something thoughtful and non-pressured once or twice a week. For example, I invited him to the home show over the weekend. Not a high-pressure date, a trip to the home show to check out stuff for his house. And he accepted and we had a great time (until our car got towed)
Or, when I know he is over at the house working, pop by with a Mt. Dew or a Milky Way bar (his favorites) and encourage his efforts. Don't stay for an hour, just pop in for two or three minutes, encourage him on the house efforts, and leave. Give him a positive experience to "think" on while he works...
OK this is probably all information for me that you guys aren't interested in. It is also stuff you have pretty much all told me before
But it is kind of like when I wanted to lose weight. I could read all the books in the world about it but i didn't really do it until I shelled out cash to a weight loss center. Made me feel more proactive and accountable...
, no actions taken in that way)---but they haven't helped me "seal the deal" (successfully piece). 
