Expose the Affair?

[sandi2]

I suppose it is time for me to get on this train. Don’t know if it is taking us anywhere, but I’ll get on never the less. First of all, I did not have a PA and I never met the man in person, but I did have an EA and nobody knew the difference until my H did expose me to a couple of people and then I later found out that it went to some others b/c you know, folks aren't going to keep their mouths shut. I understand why some people are so bitter b/c of the way their S have done them and I try to put myself in those shoes and understand how I would feel the same way.

I admit that I have changed my mind to a great degree after over a year of chasing Puppy around with a rolled up newspaper and getting nowhere. But, I still have a few issues with some of it and I seriously believe it is in the way that I was raised. I was taught that all problems between the M couple are to stay between the couple. It was to stay private and you did not go out talking about it to other people. I do not see me going out and exposing my H’s porn addiction to his place of employment; or that he masturbates instead of sleeping with his wife to his church; or his gambling habits to the neighbors; or if he flirts with the next-door neighbor to his or my family; or if he lies, cheats or any other “sin” that I think people should be alerted about. There are certain crimes, if done, then people should be alerted about--such as killing, steeling, kidnapping or molesting children, etc., but I think that is different. You are telling people about crimes for their protection. These are just a few examples, of course.

After reading Pup’s stitch and seeing where his M was leading to a D, regardless of how hard he tried to save the M, and I saw where he decided he would bust the affair--if he could not bust the divorce……that I can understand. I also can understand telling the spouse of the OP involved in the A (if there is a spouse of the OP, where in my case, there wasn't. But again, it wasn't right for me to have an EA, okay?). I can even understand telling family when the WS and OP are having an “open” affair before the entire world to see and they do not seem to care what anyone thinks. You feel you had rather be the one to tell your children and family members before they hear it from town gossip. I also had a change of mind when it was pointed out to me that keeping something like an affair from parents and your parents-in-law were seen as "lying by omission" and being disrespectful instead of “protecting” them, as I had mistakenly thought beforehand. I still believe that small children should be told only if it is absolutely necessary and be very careful how it is done.

Being a former almost WAW, I am sure that it would not have made me want to make love to a man that had exposed me to everyone. That is just “Sandi” talking and is not meant to imply that it would work that way with everyone. I know there has to be a lot of forgiveness on the part of the LBS, but it would also take a lot for a woman (I’ll let the WAH’s speak for themselves) to forgive her H for exposing her (and that is what some angry spouses need to consider). I’m just saying that instead of respecting my H more, it would have made me almost hate him if he had told one person more than whom he did!! I do not think I would have been able to ever go to bed with him again and I am pretty sure I would not have continued to live with him. So, in my case, the marriage would have ended immediately upon my finding out about the exposure.

One person asked what was the WAS going to do....go out an have an affair? No, but they sure as heck may not consider staying in the M, if that is the goal. Let’s be honest here. How many have had “successful” marriages after exposure? How many ended in divorce and how many are struggling to continue in the M? I’m not trying to be hurtful any more than some of you were by the things you said about WAW’s and their A’s. If you did expose and you have had success and everything is just peachy, then I’m glad....truly, I am. I’m not trying to “prove” that I’m right and somebody else is wrong....I’m just throwing in my two cents. Okay, maybe more than two.

Anyway, it is a touchy subject for a lot of people and always will be. I do hear some very harsh words coming from the mouths of one or two LBS. It certainly is not out of love and that makes me wonder if exposure is out of love or another emotion. I know when my H did what he did (and I’m not talking about confronting me....that is not what I am calling exposure) it was out of vindictiveness....not love. And no, neither was my EA out of love for him, but then I could talk for hours on that one topic alone, and you don’t want me to do that!

I think to sum it up, we have to ask ourselves, am I doing what I am doing out of love for my spouse? If we feel vengeance, hatred, anger, or any other wrong feeling toward him/her, then we need to examine our own heart before exposing somebody else’s heart. This is with the understanding that you want to save the M. If you are through with them once and for all and want to hurt them as badly as you have been hurt......then by all means, go for blood.

This is not pointing fingers at any person(s). I have learned and I hope to continue as I stay here. Hopefully, I've said some little tidbit that might cause another person to think, also.

Take care everyone,
Sandi