New Here

[sandi2]

Okay, I’m back. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that you really did mistreat her b/c you brought all that up yourself and admitting to taking her for granted and for talking badly to her. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but that bad talking is a form of verbal abuse even if you never use a cuss word. If you call her names or put her down or constantly criticize her, you might as well sprinkle poison all over your MR. You are driving her farther and farther away from you every time you do that. The thing about women is that they may not always tell you that and you may think you are getting by with that behavior. You may even think they have forgiven you, what all they have really done is push it down deep within their heart. That is not good b/c when it does surface, it is usually in a stitch such as this. Even if she has not mentioned it, I am sure she holds resentments from the way you treated her in the past. Any woman would. You promised to love and cherish her. You don’t treat a girl you cherish like that! You are probably think, “yeah, well, you don’t have an EA on your H, either”. You are right, one shouldn’t have an EA. I am not taking sides, even if right now it may sound as though I am, but I’m trying to get you to think from her POV at the moment. I’m sure her self-esteem must have been low if you had been talking to her like that and taking her for granted. You can’t ignore a flower and expect it to grow and bloom and be beautiful for you. It takes a lot of your time and attention. So, does a wife. It is sad that so many H’s don’t “get it” until it is almost too late. I want you to get it and get it good and proper so that you will never do this again, whether it is with her or in another R. You need to know how to treat women and if you have not learned, you need to go get some books and do a lot of reading and learn how b/c I don’t think your W is going to take any more of your crap. So, you will either have to make up your mind to do a lot of personal changing or else find another woman.

Some people actually think beginning a new R is easier that restoring an old one, and that may be true………except for the children…….and the family members……..and your history together……and the vows (I think you get the picture). Anyway, we want to bust this divorce, right? So, we will have to discuss some painful things and be honest and plan what you need to do about yourself and how to draw your wife back to you and the M.

You must accept the fact that you cannot control anything she wants to do. If she wants to have an EA, she will have it and you can’t stop her. She will find a way somehow to do it. So, the sooner you come to terms with your lack of control over “her actions”, the better for you.

As I said before, she wants time away from you and she doesn’t want anyone poking their noses into her business b/c more than likely her business is all about the OM. She wants to have privacy to do whatever she pleases and not answer to anyone. She wants to feel free and single b/c she feels that she has been tied to one male since the 7th grade. Sure she wanted it all back then, but we are talking about now.

Most H’s want to pursue, pressure and smother their WAW’s. That is the very worst thing you can do. They walk away b/c they don’t want to be near you. That should be a strong hint, huh? However, I have discovered while being on this board that a lot of men do not realize they are pursuing by doing certain things. So, we may discuss some of that too. For now, do not call her or TM or email her unless it is almost an emergency regarding one of the kids of family members. Don’t use the children to get to her. In other words, don’t call to tell the kids goodnight just to get to say a few words to her. That is an example of pursuing. The less she hears from you at this time, the better. She needs to miss you. Has she ever gone very long without hearing or seeing you since the 7th grade? That is a loooong time! She needs to “miss” you but with the kids, that is not probably going to happen, but you can stop calling, and going by to “check up on her” and all the other means of contact. It is funny the many excuses M people find to make contact with their WAS. BTW, if she should call you first, be sure to find a reason to hang up first and don’t linger on the phone. If she TM’s or emails, don’t respond right away (unless it is an emergency). In other words, play a little hard to get! If you are not so available to her, then you become more of a challenge to her and she gets more interested in you. Therefore, it needs to be your goal to become much, much less available. How do you do that? By getting a life of your own that does not include her. All these years she has probably been a very big part of your life, so find those things you like to do, such as sports, hobbies, etc. to get involved in. I strongly advise to stay away from scenes that cause a lot of temptation to flirt and do a lot of “looking” at the opposite sex. You are a M man and even if she is not acting M, you need to conduct yourself as a M man and do not flirt with OW and certainly don’t even consider dating.

When it is your turn to keep the kids, plan special times with them that are fun and make them feel special. They will go back home talking all about it. However, don’t question them anything about their mother. Don’t even talk about her unless they ask a direct question you can’t get around.

Find thing to do to stay out of the house and to keep busy. Really, really work at not focusing your attention on your W. Right now, you are obsessed with her and you will have to work extremely hard to get over that. Staying busy and staying away from her will help if you won’t constantly be asking others about her and what she is doing. If you work at the same place, that is going to be tough, but there is another approach you can do about that…..so don’t let me forget to get back to that subject. You don’t have to do big things to stay unavailable to her phone calls, emails, etc. You can be out at the mall looking around or at friends’ house, or anything simple. Just b/c she rings you…..you don’t have to immediately call back. Oh, and BTW, just b/c she may ask you questions about your whereabouts, etc., you don’t have to answer. Now, never lie to her. But, you can just smile. You can be rather vague about your answers. It is none of her business what you do or where you go, just as it is none of your business about her……except where the children and family are concerned.

You are never rude, crude, obnoxious, or any other unattractive behavior to her. In fact, you want to become as attractive in your behavior as possible. Therefore, be practicing on your charming personality. Does it need a little polishing? I bet you know how to turn the charm on when you want to. So, don’t treat her like you are mad at her or hurt or anything like that. You don’t act like a love starved puppy dog following her around for any crumbs she throws your way. You show a strong, self-confident male that is charming and……..here is the important part of working at the same place of business as she does……..you treat her just like any other employee. That will do things you could never imagine! But, it will all be good in the end (LOL). When at work, you talk nice and friendly, but never pursuing, chasing, pressure tactics, etc. Never, ever talk about the marriage or relationship. Don’t bring up family if at all possible. Whenever she asks you a question that catches you off guard and you don’t know what to say, just tell her that you’ll think about it and get back to her. So what if she doesn’t like it? Big deal. She can get over it. The reason I am saying this is b/c you once were the one that treated her badly……..but now you are going to see her start repaying you for that treatment. Never let her see that she has hurt you by what she says. Never lose your cool b/c as long as you can stay calm, you have won. However, the minute you allow her to make you lose your temper, she has won that battle regardless of how small or large it is.

You are going great by the weight you have already lost. You might want to think of updating your wardrobe or getting a different hair cut. Always, always wear great smelling cologne. Men have laughed at this advice and then come back and tell me how the wonderful affects it has on women. I know!! That is why I am telling you to always have it on. Make it a practice to never leave the house without putting some on, and after you shower put it on. Women love it!! If you know her favorite, then that is a feather in your cap. Always look clean and good even if wearing a pair of jean and a T-shirt. Act sexy. After M, I think some of us forget how to act like sensual beings. So, practice (if you have to) acting sexy again. Also, practice talking soft and low when speaking to a woman unless you have to use authority with a female employee, then you speak low and firm. Never raise your voice b/c it is a sign of losing control.

So, we have talked about your behavior, your charm, personality, staying unavailable, smelling good, looking great, acting sexy, and other things. And we are just getting started! But, why have I brought all of these things up? B/c most of the time, we tell a person that they need to become the person their spouse fell in love with and to try to act like you did then. Well, I don’t think you need to act like you are in 7th grade again….LOL. However, you can improve yourself to be the best person you possibly can become and if she can love that person, then you know you have done all that you could. We are going to talk about steps to take in a couple of days, but for now, I hope you will take all of this very serious and work on what I have talked to you about. I also hope you will set three short-term personal goals for yourself. Make them about YOU, not your wife. It may have to do with exercise (Which, BTW, is the greatest source of getting rid of frustration and obtaining energy. It also fights depression!) or it may have to do with getting involved in church activities since you have gotten back on track with God (glad to hear that, too). But, whatever it is, make it obtainable. Plan your weekends so you don’t stay home and get depressed. If special events are coming up soon…..plan ahead. That is the name of the game about GAL.

I have talked a long time (which I am famous for) but I can’t help it. I want to help so much with newcomers. If you’ll stick with us and post to us regularly, I promise it will help you. Right now, YOU are the one we want to start helping…..okay? You can come here to vent when you are upset (but tell us in advance that is what you are doing so somebody don’t get a 2x4 a hold of you….LOL) But, don’t vent or lose your cool in front of your wife. You can come here and cry, but not in front of her. Express all your emotions and feelings here, but not to her……not at this time. Stay cool, calm and collected in her presence and don’t let her push your buttons. Walk away before you allow that to happen.

Okay, I promise, I am going to stop for now.

Take care and I hope you will get to work on this ASAP.

Sandi

Opps, almost forgot to bring something up. About leaving those cards by her bedside table......that is pursuing. Don't leave books lying around for her to read, or any keepsakes to make her think about the two of you in the past, or any suggestions on shows about M or anything like that. She will resent it more than I can begin to explain to you. Just take my word for it, it is a huge turn-off.

Oh, one more thing..... I keep thinking of things. Just b/c you left the second time, she is still a WAW at heart and needs to be treated as such. That is why I refer to her as that. She had the EA and she wants to be away from you. It doesn't really matter at this point who left, b/c she is the one that wants out of the M. Okay, I'll try not to come back again for a few minutes anyway.