Standing on the Edge

[native]

Msm,

I appreciate your willigness to ask about this perception we have. I have a great deal of respect for you and your insights. I hope that we can help you see what is in our heads when we hear the aforementioned phrases.

I have been so verbally beaten up by my w that presently I don't want to even talk to her....and I don't know when I will care to again.

Only about our child.

It just seemed like whenever she used that certain phrase, with a very specific tone of voice, I could see where the conversation would end up.

Perhaps with other women it is different, but with my W, it seemed that the inevitable course was an ever increasing cresendo of shrillness, reproaches, accusations and resentment until a certain peak was reached, sometimes things were broken, and I completely gave up trying to have a two way conversation.

It was never ever ever something I looked forward to or really knew how to derail.

I know now to validate her points (but only if I truly agree), but so many times they were her skewed perceptions she wanted me to accept as fact about my motives......I felt held hostage so many times and at one point just agreed with her, though I thought she was wrong. And she eventually didn't like that either.

She used the power of her anger to completely devastate me so many times. And for her, it always went to that place.

I'm sure that not all women are the same however....

[native]

Kenn,

Haven't heard anything much from the alien, other than that she was putting her profile up on Stupid.com.

I struggle with resentment and anger daily towards her. I understand she has personal difficulties that needed special attention and that I let her down in my ignorance.

I really do think that for the longest time she tried the best she knew how to address her needs, however ineffectivly.

But I have just lost complete respect for her since it is obvious that I have made my amends as I became aware of things, and I have shown her my willingness to forgive the past pain she has caused me, and that I have remained open ad vulnerable to her rejection or acceptance.

Just the way she handled it, after I tried so hard to show her my goodwill....I can't accept it. I am soooooo angry.

And I don't think I can ever really trust her or become vunerable to her again.

Other than that...just great.

Actually, in spite of the 'recession' my plaster/restoration business is doing well. I just hope it continues as I have so much more debt to service now that she has left me with the mortgage and all te credit card debt.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it as of late. Sounds like your W has a lot to own up to - & isn't ready to do that yet.

Thanks native & Kenn, for straightening that out for me. Strange, how yes - the choice of words can have a different meaning or rather perception. Thinking it over a bit more, I would say that in my view as well - if someone said, can we talk, it would have a negative feel .... a dreaded feeling. Which then of course starts the entire conversation with a negative feeling, rather than a positive one.

[Kenn]

No- thank you MsM. I learn so much from the people here. Perhaps it will pay a big reward down the road.

Hey Native,

Just checking in to see how things are going. How are things with your daughter? Did you count how many smiles she had today? Kids have a knack for showing us how great life can be.

My daughter and I have started a tradition - game night. We missed it last time due to a PTA conference so we made up for it. She kicked my butt-ox in barrel of monkeys. She was thrilled and I was destroyed because the truth of the matter is that I didn't let her win So I told her next time we are playing something really hard with advanced math... just joking.

I am glad your business is going strong in this recession!!! I went to a meet up group to meet people in my area and the first four people I talked to had been laid off. My heart hurt for these people. To be alone and to be unemployed... makes you appreciate life much more. SO!!! I am glad you have your business and dauighter to get through this rough time.

Dont let the interactions get you down. It's tough but so are you!

[native]

Re: buisness, for such a long time, when new housing was going strong, fewer people were doing home rennovations. That and the ridiculous illegal labor situation put me in a terrible situation financially (because I would not hire illegal). That is when I decided to become a home inspector. People are always buying and selling homes right ?

Well, then comes the slowdown in the housing market, with a start up buisness. So I was pretty much dead in the water for almost two years trying to make a living from both buisnesses.

So I have some terrible mixed feelings about all the bankers, brokers, contractors who have lost their jobs now and are struggling.

While I was struggling (and lost my wife in part due to the financial situation), no one seemed to be concerned that my buisness was being negativly affected by illegal labor. No one really understood what it was like to effectively be stripped of your livelyhood....and loose your family to boot.

So now all the folks who rationalized how much we needed the cheap labor which partially replaced me are losing their cushy jobs.....well, its hard for me to feel too much pity.

You would have to have been in my situation to appreciate how every rationalization for illegal labor made by people whose jobs were at that time secure angered me..

All I could think was that the only way they would possibly understand was if it would happen to them.

They may not be losing their jobs for quite the same reason, but their rationalizations helped put me, and any honest, native, skilled trades people on slippery financial ground for several years.

The little surge in buisness I am experiencing now in no way makes up for the lost buisness over the last 10 yrs.

And it cannot be compared to the salaries of the guys losing jobs now....

[native]

Newsflash:


Wife had breakfast and dinner with us today. This is no doubt the result of a phone call I made the other night in which I essentially acknowledge my former ignorance of how to understand women and to meet my wife's needs. I had been reading an e-book I downloaded called 'The Truth About Women' By David Wood.

Anyway, I just let her know what I was learning and how I was feeling about it. How it saddened me that I had tried to make her communicate her needs in a way I wanted her to communicate them (ie: directly) instead of just giving in and becoming an expert at understanding her way of communicating (indirectly) and finding out her needs.

The conversation went well but it did open a can of worms. W shared that she had trust issues not only with me, but with any relationship she might have. Told me how angry she was with me and that she felt I had controlled her.

The conversation unveiled why she had melted down recently: my concern over her well being the night D and I had gone to the circus and had not heard from her, and called her parents to see if they had heard from her felt like control to her, regardless of my intentions. I let her know I wouldn't do that again. . So that is why she went ballistic later! That is easy enough to avoid from here on.

In general, I wasn't really prepared for all of that and I had to choose my words carefully to avoid triggering an explosion/meltdown.

Overall, I feel it was a healing conversation. I had not really wanted to talk about our relationship, just to mention what I was learning and some regrets about how I had not learned it sooner.

At one point I said that I was pretty sure I could not do this perfectly (this new way of communicating), and she said that she did not expect me to be perfect......wow....!

Sounded like she was toying with the idea of us getting back together? Maybe.

Anyway, as I said, she had breakfast and dinner with us today and when she left with our D I told her I had enjoyed having her over.. She said she had enjoyed being here !

And the winding saga continues.....

[Dr LOve]

Native,

THIS IS GREAT.... Funny how something so simple is really a big deal to us guys..

hang in there
Doc..

[Kenn]

Glad to hear you had a good day! Bet your daughter enjoyed it also.

It is always good when you get a "wow" moment.

[MsMelancoly]

WEll native, I believe this is a 180 about how you feel about your W. You were venting so much anger, that I thought it would take a long time to melt that away. Strange, but I'm reading a book about men right now. Don't know how much of it is true, but it's interesting all the same. One thing it does say is that the 2 most commonly expressed feelings by men are anger & pride.

Good to hear you are in a better state. Remember action - not reaction. Cheers!

[Kenn]

Hello Native,

I am really hoping from the inactivity that the last few days are going well for you !!!! Just checking in on you.