He sounds like he is well-regarded and in demand. That is admirable, but I can see how it will have to be a conscious choice for him to decide to make more time for you. All of that demand for his attention likely feeds his ego. Just curious: How much do you feed his ego? I would imagine that you are feeling hurt and that it is hard to do if you're feeling neglected.
Oh wow, now there is something I never thought of. He is in tremendous demand from all of these extracurricular organizations. He's charismatic, outgoing, well put togther, and full of leadership skills they need. I'm sure he feels constantly appreciated.
And what does he get at home? Hardly the hero's reception he gets outside. From my side, why would I congratulate him for making it home in time for 7:30 dinner maybe once every two weeks?
From his side, I can see how my resentment wouldn't motivate him too much to make it home earlier.
I've done one thing new to change things, at least for me and the kids, that maybe will help him to see that there are reasons to come home by 7:30. Up until December (when I read a book on Work Addicition) I was allowing his unpredictable schedule to make havoc of the kids' dinner. I didn't want to make dinner twice in one night, and then some nights I'd expect him but I'd have missed that he would be out. Other nights he'd leave late and have traffic, or he'd have a last minute meeting. I always had meat going bad because I meant to cook it, but then he wasn't going to be there, and it wasn't a kid-friendly food, etc. Or I was trying to time a meal without knowng what time he'd leave the office. Or he'd surprise me by coming home and I'd be unprepared.
In December I told him that dinner was at 7:30 and if he could be there, great. If not, I would try to save some for him (however we do have teenagers . . .) This helped me and the kids tremendously, but H still made it home in time less than once a work-week. I thought 7:30 was pretty reasonable, and honestly the latest I can go with 4 hungry kids to feed.
I've made another change this past week. I cleaned out the dining room completely, bought cloth napkins and a casual table cloth, a new set of dishes and flatware, and have started having real family dinners at 7:30. No more kids eating at the counter. These are real dinners with real manners, and it's feeling really good whether H shows up or not. He's come home at the tail end a couple times now and has looked surprised to realize he's missing something . . . which reminds me, I need to go out and buy a trivet to complete my table and I'm rambling on far longer than I meant to.
But thanks for that insight. I will try harder to project my happiness that he is with us again, when he comes home.
