Boiling water, toasting bread

[JCJ]

Hi T

Wow, you are performing from memory? That is so brave but so freeing! I have only ever performed one piece from memory (in a formal setting) in front of an audience and it was a totally different experience from performing with music. I always felt the music was a good safety barrier.

And excellent news about Thailand, what an opportunity! What is keeping you in Atlanta? I am planning a trip there (Thailand) this year so maybe I'll bump into you - how funny would that be? Sounds like so many opportunities are coming your way. What an exciting time!

That was a really thoughtful reason for B to send the CD I love that he thinks of you and always comes across as having such respect for your thoughts and opinions and appreciation of things you might like.

Good job on taking the whatever attitude. Not hearing back isn't a reflection on you in any way, the reason he hasn't contacted you back is likely as not nothing to do with you personally. I'm sure you'll do a fabulous application.

[transformer]

Julia,

you are so kind and encouraging!!!!! I will write more later !!!

LOVELOVELOVE
T

[One Day]

((((Lovely))))

I hope you're having a SUPER AWESOME weekend and shimmiying your delicious melons for all to admire enviously, especially any hot guys!

I just wanted to pick up on a couple of things you posted in response to my earlier round of questions. I promise to try my best not to ask so many this time

I wasn't sleeping well because i was thinking about B... now I'm just having trouble falling asleep for other miscellaneous reasons, but not because I'm thinking about B. Progress!!

Well done you!

Thank you for saying "believe in yourself and brilliance will follow." I think I need to post that somewhere in my apartment!

Wow- that would be so cool!

The reason I'm wondering about the website is--I think on one level he is just trying to include me in what's going on.

Yes, I agree.

I am afraid of stumbling upon evidence of an OW, or looking at his facebook and seeing that it says "in a relationship" or something. So part of me is afraid that if he is with someone else, he would try to let me know by indirectly directing me to look at his facebook or something, instead of just telling me!

So reading this, I'm wondering...... would you see it as something that would stop you DBing if he is in a new relationship? If so, why? What would be the worst that would happen if he is in a new R? I guess my thoughts are that if he's in a new R it allows you to make a decision about how to proceed with your DBing and where you want to go. It could inform your strategy, so to speak.

I am feeling happier now

GOOD NEWS!

I also wondered, are you still DBing? Is the plan still to reconcile with B?

I would say...yes. But part of me is sort of like, "I'm not sure about this guy." I think I am learning to actually put myself first instead of trying to make myself look happy to be more attractive to him.

I am SO PLEASED to hear this! I think this is the essence of DBing- it's not about doing things to look attractive to the WAS, it's learning to feel comfortable with yourself and confident in who you are. That changes how you behave which *may* or may not bring the WAS back. However, it's your best chance for long-term happiness and general attractiveness to everyone....

I am also questioning whether what I am doing is "working", I feel like it's brought me this far but I am not sure there is any movement, and I feel like I need new tools or a new approach. I also feel like I need to take care of other things ... like my own life... right now. Which might be the new approach I need??

I agree with this wholeheartedly. It sounds like you have so many things in flux in your life, and sorting those out should (IMHO) be your priority. Once things are a bit more settled perhaps you can re-evaluate and we can work on some more DBing goals?

I hope that wasn't too question-y. Please feel free to ignore anything I've asked!!

LoveLoveLoveLovelyQueenOfMelontasticGorgeousness!

L. xx

[transformer]

Dear ones,

I promise to write personal responses soon, to all of your thoughtful observations and questions.

Basically things have been going really well with me, I've been working really hard getting ready for this audition, and also really looking into my heart and getting excited about some new dreams and adventures I would like to have. also some really awesome things have been happening in my yoga practice, some things are opening up in my body, that I find really exciting.

As for my sitch, last week B included me in a mass email about his upcoming performances with his quartet in Los Angeles. I called B last thursday (the 19th) and left a voicemail along the lines of, "hey, I'm just calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I'd love to talk more about your recording sometime. I saw the email, it looks great [there was a bunch of fancy graphic design], the photos look great [there was some new photographs, probably from the shoot he told me about], the program looks really interesting, I'd love to hear it sometime, I hope you have a great time in LA if you're not there already. I don't know if you got my text asking for help with my resume, but I already sent it in, so you don't need to worry about that, it's all taken care of. give me a call when it's a good time for you."

Today after I got out of yoga class I got a voicemail from him, sounding sort of... cold and fake, "Hey, it's B, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I'm in LA right now with the quartet. It's great, I've been working to make this trip happen for almost a year, and now it's happening, it's beautiful here, the quartet loves it here, they want to move here, I'll be back this weekend, give me a call ..."

WTF?????? Now he is moving to California? i feel... sickened, disgusted. How will I ever see this man?

Recently I've been thinking: wow, I really need to focus on my own journey, my own happiness, my own dreams and evolution. Not in a superficial way, but in the deepest, truest way possible.

And I am so thrown by this. I don't understand. I hate his quartet, I hate that he is making decisions with them and not me! I mean obviously he is not including me in his plans because we are NOT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW, but...It reminds me of all the other times when he excluded me from his plans.... I don't get it.

I'm trying to talk myself down: this decision isn't even final, he said it lightly, it might never actually happen, this decision has nothing to do with you, if he is willing to relocate to CA on a whim he is probably single, blah blah blah blah blah, but I still feel really angry and hurt and discouraged.

I was able to talk on the phone to one of my RL friends who I feel like I can talk to about this stuff, and she said, the distance between you and B has nothing to do with miles, it has to do with where you are at emotionally. So this move, if it ever happens, won't actually make you any farther apart than you already are.

I'm definitely waiting until after my audition is over to talk to him.... does he realize that I care where he is? does he mention it in a voicemail so he doesn't have to hear me react? belughdkjfk.... I am so sick of this. I just want to be happy.


so that's where I'm at right now...
love,
T

[Virtually_Handsome]

Recently I've been thinking: wow, I really need to focus on my own journey, my own happiness, my own dreams and evolution. Not in a superficial way, but in the deepest, truest way possible.

Yes.

I mean obviously he is not including me in his plans because we are NOT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW, but...It reminds me of all the other times when he excluded me from his plans....

Is this who is is? Maybe it's been true for a long time, but you didn't see it, or didn't want to? That sounds a bit harsh, I hope you know I don't mean it that way.... but are you sure that the person he really seems to be is the person you want?

((((((((((T))))))))))

[transformer]

OK,

I woke up this morning feeling much calmer. In fact, I didn't even think about the california stuff until I had been awake for a while. I realized several things:
-I think I was probably overreacting to a very casual comment
-I think they are still planning to do a program at a conservatory in NYC this coming fall, so it's not like a move to california is imminent or even will actually ever happen
-I am still trying to control everything, even though we barely have any contact and he lives 958 miles away from me
-everyone and their mother fantasizes about moving away from NYC in february, it is totally friggin miserable, so probably anyone would say "wow, I want to move to LA" if they were visiting there from NYC in february
-I myself have had recent fantasies about moving to california myself, completely unrelated to this voicemail event
-in summary: whether or not he moves to another place really does not make or break anything in the end.
-in final summary: I am ok.
-I am trying to learn to be better at calming myself down instead of asking others to help me to do that.

Jeff, to answer your questions. We had a track record of not including each other in our plans. It was a pattern in our relationship. Of mutual exclusion. (For example, MOI, thinking that I could move to friggin' atlanta for 2 years and it wouldn't have any impact on our connection.) At times this was something that we were proud of ("Freedom"), at times it was a source of great pain and frustration. There was also a lot of planning that we did include each other in, as well as plans that he wanted to include me in that I resisted.

Trust me, I think about what you asked me frequently. The irony is that I am not sure. I do not know if this means i am just detaching, if I am getting over it, or if it's actually letting go that will bring him back, or not bring him back. To paraphrase Rumi, this union I want, I don't know if it will come about as the result of effort on my part, as a result of me surrendering effort, or as a result of something that has absolutely nothing to do with my actions whatsoever.

Basically, I am really ready to focus on my own happiness right now.

T

[transformer]

I think the question to be focusing on right now is, "Who do I really want to be, what do I want my life to feel like, and what can I do right now to make that happen?" instead of, "Who do I want B to be, and is he?"

[AliSuddenly]

Hey T...

Well hallelujah to that! We all struggle in our own way with just focusing on ourselves, you can read it in everyones posts somewhere! No matter if some appear to be GALing more than others.

So.. I was going to try and do a bit of alianalysis, if it helps! You said

left a voicemail along the lines of,

"hey, I'm just calling to say hi and see how you're doing.
I'd love to talk more about your recording sometime.
I saw the email, it looks great
the photos look great
the program looks really interesting,
I'd love to hear it sometime,
I hope you have a great time in LA if you're not there already

...ok, lets just stop there a minute..? I read all that and I thought...Mmmm... little bit over the top? I think your ex is especially sensitive to being 'spooked' as Jeff would say! It might be good to jot a few things down before calling (unless you did!?) It was good to say you'd love to catch up, but maybe you need to just ease up a little (unless this is a cultural thing between Americans and English people) but to me it just sounded TOO MUCH, you know? Unless.... is this how you would leave a message for a good friend, is this a normal level of exuberance about said friends new project? If so.. ignore me!

I don't know if you got my text asking for help with my resume, but I already sent it in, so you don't need to worry about that, it's all taken care of.

...ok, yes he got your text, everyone gets texts, unless you drop your phone in a river, or its NYE, so you are making him possibly embarressed that you DID NOT HEAR BACK FROM HIM. Guilt, reproach, etc? And he may well have NOT been worrying about it, but you saying it like that kinds of makes it sounds like yuo either expect him to have been worrying about it, or you were worrying that he hadnt got back to you?

give me a call when it's a good time for you.

...like that bit alot !!

So T.. I am being pretty strong here, but I just wanted to show you that perhaps you are being a little too clingy, or leaking too much about your real feelings and again, like the offer to get the bus 2 hours for lunch, it might just freak him out a bit??? Perhaps thats why he sounded a bit offhand when he called you back... you being like this might force him to keep redrawing the boundary around himself, or between you and thats not what you want ! He doesnt seem to want to move your R onto a differnet level right now.. BUT.. its interesting he does keep returning your calls/emails and asked you to call him, so he must still care for you in some way and want you in his life in some capacity. I cant work out what that is though!!

I thikn you may have to practise being a bit more nonchalant? I'm not sure what the 'antidote' to it is, maybe some other posters might have an idea?

And lastly.. I read his message as totally innocuous, just shooting the breeze, hey California could be fun.. but yes, nothing serious and certainly not like he was trying to get some message to you about moving away or anything. Also, his easy goingness about where he lives COULD mean he's not in a serious R, I agree.

Having said all of that... YAY HE CALLED YOU BACK !!!!!!

My ex hasnt called me for over 2 months...

Al xxxx

[transformer]

Hey sweet ali,

thanks for breaking it down for me like that. I really appreciate it.

I actually planned the message before I left it, basically that's the way I would respond to a friend ... that's a normal level of exuberance/enthusiasm from me. It might have been a little bit more than normal, but like 15% more than normal, not 200%. i see what you're saying about the text--but to explain a little, when we were together we would have weirdness with not getting voicemails and texts that we had left for each other with some frequency--so I do wonder sometimes (not just with him) it people actually get my messages. I thought he might not be calling me back because he didn't want to deal with the resume, so I just wanted to tell him I didn't need help anymore. ????

I have thought about being completely indifferent in my communications with him, or even just colder, but I think that could be a total discouraging turnoff to him completely, or might actually be just me spewing my anger in a passive agressive way. ???

I am not sure how to be nonchalant without being totally fake... in real life I am normally: enthusiastic, perplexed, overwhelmed, excited, satisfied, thrilled, depressed, confused, happy, but not a lot of "nonchalant".

Maybe I could start with "calm", which is something I've been working on being with him for almost a year now.

Maybe I could get lessons from Lisa.

Um, your ex has been emailing you like crazy, so don't you forget that, you little english muffin!

I have no idea what is going on either. it's like there is no escalation on his part, but whenever I seem to really stop doing anything, he seems to make a step forward. I can't figure it out either.

thanks for posting to me, sweet Ali. it really means a lot.
LOVE,
T

[AliSuddenly]

Yes I thought that too and thought you would think that.. that any 'cooling' on your part would take you even further away from what you have perhaps, at this stage, so I dont know what the answer is. But.. guess its human nature, soon as you get another man, your ex always wants you back! (in me and my BFF's experience anyway!) so its a kind of nonchalance, or switching off isnt it.

Perhaps the difference in what I 'saw' in your message then was a cultural thing, like I said.

So... are you going to give him a call, like he said!? (was it the weekend?)

Oh and you're welcome, lovely T!
xxx