This morning we woke up and she said that her and the kids were going to Ash Wednesday services and told me I could go along if I wanted. I did. After the services we went home and she told me that she had added me to her health insurance. She said "I know I gave you 90 days until the divorce, but just so you know the insurance runs through August, so you will still have to pay at least your portion through then."
While paying my portion doesn't upset me (just throw it on the pile), what upset me was the fact that she very plainly is speaking in terms of divorce. While I have not been served papers, it's almost as if she's counting down the days.
I really can't afford a DB coach right now, but I am feeling so lost and helpless. I keep working on the 180s and I also kept it together when she told me about the insurance. I asked her how much my portion was and I said okay.
I feel stuck right now, but I don't know what action to take. I don't want to make the wrong one and push her right into divorce. Logically, divorce makes no sense now. I've been laid off and she isn't working. She'll get help I'm sure, but we're barely making it as it is. That child support isn't going to cut it. Not only that, but what's left isn't going to cut it for me either. She isn't going to be able to work as she's starting student teaching, so even if I find a job there will be only one income and it will be a portion of that income. I'm willing to do what I have to for the kids, even if I have to move into my parents house and hand my entire check over. But I'm so upset and confused as to what I could have done that was so bad that she would willingly put us all in dire straights just to dissolve the piece of paper that says we're married. I know that she isn't capable of seeing that things will get better. But she has to see how things will get worse. And as strange as it sounds, the kids really have no idea anything is going on. This is going to shake them up pretty bad, not to mention the fact that we'll be intensifying an already bad financial situation and that is going to make for some rough times as well.
To be fair, she did at one time offer to allow me to live at the house after the divorce is finalized until she sells it, but I don't think that environment would be good for the kids. I know myself well enough that I could not do that. It would weigh on me too heavy and I wouldn't be able to keep it together. And since the divorce would be finalized, there would less inspiration to continue.
