A couple of threads today are dealing with the question of is love a feeling, a commitment, a decision, or what?
I am of the opinion that love is both a feeling and a decision. I used to believe that I was swept away by love, as if shot by Cupid's arrow. And that worked well for new love, but that kind of love often faded as quickly as it came. Many times because the feelings came before I really got to know the other person. So I have had to admit to myself that I created those feelings within myself.
I now realize that I have the ability to create a favorable environment for love to blossom as a feeling in my heart and mind. For example, if I meet a handsome new man who shows interest in me, that man starts to appear in my thoughts. I can have good thoughts or not so good thoughts about him. By allowing the good thoughts, allowing the idea of him to stimulate me in that way, creates the love feeling in me. I build a nest for love to thrive in. Once that nest is created, feelings of love come into my heart.
On the other hand I can choose not to love. With my husband I found that easy. I could focus on things he did or said that I didn't like. I could look at the mess on his side of the room, the way he closes the door when he is alone in our bedroom (as if to shut me out), the fact that he doesn't do much work around the house, and I get angry. That anger closes my heart and shreds the nest of love.
I had to learn to not focus on those things. To just open the door and walk through it, to pick up his side of the room when it bothers me, to ask him to stay and help me in the kitchen after dinner. Honestly, none of those things took a lot of effort on my part, but for over 20 years I did not do them.
Now my husband, who 2 years ago was planning to divorce me and marry his old girlfriend, is so in love with me, that it surprises me. This week I am sick. On Sunday he made a pot of chicken soup for me. On Monday night while I was in the bedroom coughing all night, he took a blanket and went and slept on the sofa without saying a word. And he still kissed me goodbye in the morning! This is not the same man I was married to for the last 20 years. That man was a grump and blamed me for everything. But because we learned to choose to love each other and act loving toward each other, we have both changed.
Coach said "love is a decision" is a mantra of Retrouvaille. Certainly, that is where I learned it. I didn't believe it the first time they told it to me, when they said to write it very big in my notebook. My mind argued against it. But we were Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods, and they had a trail of breadcrumbs which they told us led to a happier life, so I followed every step of the path they took us on. And now it is 2 years later, and yes, they are right. Love is a decision. And even after 20 years of living in hostility, it was not too late to make the decision to love, to trust, to commit, and to forgive.
