Divorce looming #4

[25yearsmlc]

not allowed to attempt a reconciliation????? Please Kev....you sign the weirdest things...as if that's enforceable. Why not sign something promising you won't like her, or you will like her, but you'll keep it a big secret?

Anyhow, fine. I'd be SO committed to not EVER wanting a reconciliation (as far as she knows) and to not ever needing her, she'd wonder what the heck she did.

Let her go. You have no control anyhow. So why not? Move along and yes, I can understand the feelings about Dallas, but instead of that, try focusing on how much you love your kids. And their stability etc. And good luck in Florida, and you know if your wife goes totally over the edge, maybe you'll get the kids and you can take them to Florida yourself.

It's interesting that she has to put in a clause saying you won't try to get back together. Why can't you do what you want and why can't she just say "no" if and when that happens? What is she afraid of? Caving in? Oh. I see. Well, I doubt it's enforceable and have never seen a "Document" like yours so that's all I can say.

If you feel better about things, good. Some of it just doesn't matter much. Like giving her 10 months or 10 years. Frankly, I wonder how she'll handle things when 1) things with OM run their course and THEY WILL run their course**, and 2) when she begins to wonder about your life and you are GAL so she will wonder... please let her see some mystery in your posts. Like going places "with friends" and say nothing specific to your wife. Who is she to ask where you went? Please....

**unless you force them to stay together by attacking her choices. The more she feels attacked the more she'll feel defensive, and then will justify her choices and make herself "right" by staying with OM longer than she should. So, let her go. Leave her alone. Let their A run so hot it burns itself out. Hopefully they won't burn too many others along the way. At least you are a strong man. God help the OM"s kids...and his wife.

keep on keeping on Kev, you are going to make it.
Detach, GAL, do the 180's and btw, I LOVE the things you are planning on doing for yourself in Florida. And Lent may begin tomorrow (I'm giving up crack cocaine and child abuse...yes, I'm kidding...) but your dad is allowed to have a good time. What'd he do, give up fun?

ttys buddy, hang in there,
(( j ))

[K4D]

25,

You are really awesome. I'm glad you started talking to me. You have really helped me out and boosted my confidence in myself.

My dad thinks my W will go over the edge and eventually ask me to take the kids to. I kept telling him that will never happen. But now I am starting to think that it might happen.

Yes, I hope this A runs its course. But in the mean time, I am going to work on me. I'm actually looking forward to Florida. I will miss my W and kids. I know I will.

But I will start building an actual future for myself. At 34 I should have something in savings, and I don't. Financially I will be better off without her. She can't save a dime. Never has been able to.

Its going to be hard basically starting from scratch at 34. But I still have time to build a future. I'm fortunate in that.

I can handle not trying to reconcile for 10 months. You know, this is actually good for me to sign this. It forces me to stop the R talk. There will be some mystery alright. I won't be telling her much of what is going on with me.

I am letting her go. I never thought I could get through all of this when it first started out. But somehow I have managed. And I feel like I have grown stronger through all of this. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. But now I feel like I can handle this and move on. I am actually appreciative of the time she took for this to let me build my inner strength.

Don't get me wrong, there will be hard times ahead emotionally. But I didn't think I would get this far. I thought I could never handle her sleeping with someone else, and somehow I have made it through even that.

Infact, it doesn't even really bother me so much anymore. I have pretty much moved into the stage of acceptace of that.

I'm not going to attack them. I'm going to let her make her own way. I do hope someday she comes back, but I can no longer stop my own life for her. And she has told me that to. Well, I am now moving on. I'm starting a new life without her. Whether or not she will care doesn't matter anymore.

I still have alot of life to me. I'm still young. I can still enjoy alot in life. I'm going to.

Kevin

[K4D]

Well,

I am loading up my car today. I have a tech coming to fix our internet this morning so I can make sure I stay in touch with my daughters. I'm not looking forward to this 2 day trip on the road. But Florida will be great.

I will have my moments of course. But I am really going to try and change who I am.

Kevin

[spellfire]

Good man, please do stick around here and keep us up to date on how you are doing.

[MrBond]

good luck to you Kevin. I hope that while you're away, your W doesn't poison your kids with ideas that you were a horrible man. That's what happened in my friend's case.

You can't trust her, so be on alert.

I arrange for the kids to come up and visit you maybe once a month if possible so you can maintain contact. Don't give that up. Even with the internet connection, I can see your W telling your kids that it's down or telling them that they don't have time to talk to you. And since you're not there, you can't defend yourself.

Don't let your kids forget you.

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry stuck,

But how is that supposed to help him? I mean,he has NO control over any of that so make a point that he can do something about and don't give him the worst case scenario as he's driving out the driveway...plus you don't know her or "know" what she'll do in any of this. None of us do.

Kev will be there for them and IF she somehow brainwashes them into hating him in such a short time, and IF Kev does Nothing about it..then I guess he'll have a harder time to make up when he returns, but he WILL return.

Kev, your w will do what she does. Whatever. Surrender the illusion you had of control (which I think you did long ago). Ponder NOTHING you cannot control and focus ONLY on what you can control, which is YOU.... Your kids will someday be old enough to know what the heck happend and remember it is the UNbitter parent who "wins" in the long run b/c kids don't want to hear the other parent bad mouthed and at some point choose to be near the one they feel safe with. You will stay in contact with them and that will be that.

You are doing well. Stay on track. (sorry for the 2 x 4 stuck, cuz it's hard not to project our own stuff onto others' experiences but we have to think out all the stuff about what will help the person we are posting to...)
(( j ))

[K4D]

Thanks SP, Stuck & 25,

I will be staying in contact on here as well as with my kids. They both have cell phones as well as the webcam. So if she says webcam is down, I can still call them on their cell phones. Plenty of back up. But I don't think she would stop them from talking to me.

Part of our agreement says that neither can bad mouth the other. So they will tell me if it is going on.

Its tough packing. But I have no control in what my W decides. I'm going to pray in Florida that she have a change of heart. We will see what God has in store.

I'm spending this evening with my kids. We are going to make dinner together and eat together. W will be gone volunteering at the church thing that my daughters go to each Wednesday night. But I said tonite I want them home. They can go next week when I am not here.

It will be interesting to see what kind of time I make tomorrow and where I stop off for the night. I'm really going to miss my kids. And believe it or not, I am really going to miss my W. Not the way she is now, but the way she used to be. I will have plenty of time to go dark in Florida. Hopefully that will trigger something in her.

I ate lunch with her today at Red Lobster. She just really is a different person now. There just doesn't seem to be any warmth in her anymore. I'm just going to have to wait out this MLC and pray for the best.

Kevin

[MrBond]

25,

No offense taken. It helps him by just serving as a warning.

Of course we don't know her and what she is going to do. Then again, Kev had no idea she was messing around and was all into the sex stuff either.

She's definitely not whom she was when they first got together, so it's just a warning that it's something that could happen based on her current past behavior. You read the original agreement also and saw how many of her demands were self-serving.

Kev, I'm sure you're going to be a great father through all of this and your kids will appreciate it.

Good luck to you again.