Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

Hi, Diane,
You ever watch Cesar the Dog Whisperer? Maybe I mentioned him before. He says dogs live in the moment. Every walk is the best walk, every treat is the best and so on. Yeah, an abused dog remembers being hit, who hit & what with, but in general dogs don't have a past. They're happy to see you every time you come home. Glad to go for walks even if they met a mean dog last time. Too bad we humans can't be a little more like that. Every visit home would be a new visit. Every conversation or hug would be a new one. No grudges, no agendas, no planned manipulation, guilt trips and all of the other crappy stuff we do to each other.

Altho you'd like the satisfaction of seeing your H hurt as much as you, remember, no sex doesn't really bother him LOL. More to the point, have faith in the unseen.... he is hurting. His world is unstable right now and he's not sure how to handle it or what to do or what'll happen to his life that he's ordered in a way that's confortable for him. He likely has never seen how a regular marriage works. Only knows about conflict, open war and his own fears as a kid. Young kids often think divorces happen cuz they were bad in some way. Probably fear loss all their lives unless they're told otherwise. Some have no concept of unconditional love.

You know how when you correct someone you're supposed to separate the act from the person. You're a super kid, and if you could just not shave the cat.... break the vase.... swear at your boss :D. Lots of adults have baggage and have trouble just discussing an issue because they anticipate blame, guilt, feel stupid, look for traps and all of that. "I know you didn't do it on purpose cuz you're so nice...." works way better.

Its probably not our jobs to help our spouses overcome their hurtful pasts, but we do have to work around them. A plan to follow that works for me when I can stay calm and rational is to ask; "Am I a source of pleaure or a source of pain?" I suggested that to my H also. After awhile he was able to think before he breathed flames. A rational adult. Yippee! Now both of us can be adults most of the time.

Your H saying he didn't mean to make you feel less of a woman, etc. recognizes the seriousness of the situation. Try not to think about the pain. Evidently it wasn't on purpose, he's just clueless about how couples feel about sex. After all, if he just hears the guys talk, its just a bunch of quick conquests, no mention of intimate connection. Guys never talk about how much they love their partners, how sweet their intimacy is, nothing remotely romantic. No wonder he thinks "its just sex".

For him to get the intimacy connection I guess you'll just have to do show & tell until he feels safe enough to respond. It'll come a little at a time. My H still isn't done w/the first book & from a recent reaction I realize he has a fear of getting caught, literally, with his pants down.("somebody might come to the door!") Um. After 30 years? A little at a time...... things get better....we figure out more stuff... we learn to relax and enjoy the ride. Imagine the potential if your H begins to respond even a little at a time.... since he's never been awakened before. Wow.

With all love, crossed fingers, hope, prayers and best wishes,
Jayce

You make your own luck.