JDOllie's Story #6

[JDOllie]

I guess maybe some background on where I am emotionally -

If I come out on here, and expose my heart, it is like this.

I love my wife. I love her dearly, and for the first time in our marriage, I love her unconditionally. It doesn't matter what she does - I love her. If I knew her heart and mind would heal, I'd wait another 20 years for her. I have never looked at any other woman, and have no desire to.

I love my family - my children are amazing, none better. We have had so many good times as a family - some bad, but by far the majority is good. W and I have had good times and bad - but by far the majority good.

I believe her history of abuse, coupled with an MLC, coupled with postpartum depression have brought about where she is - I've even had a couple of mental health professionals say they believe she may be bi-polar. I contributed to our problems as well, and I take full responsibility for that.

So I factor all of this in - but I know I can't "fix" her - she doesn't even see her problems. I know that at some point I need to move on with my life, and I need to set a moral example for my children.

So, as to Kassie's comments - there is a difference between what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do, whether I'm ready or not.

Tawnya, you're right, am I ready for a negative response? Honestly, I'm not, and I probably won't ever be.

So, the question is, do I sit here with no closure, watching W in an affair, even as platonic as it seems to be? What lesson am I teaching my kids if I do that?

I guess it boils down to this - when do you go from doing what you WANT to doing what you SHOULD do?

I've set my dark requirements for March 1st, and I'm amazed that it is almost here. But I was so focused on getting through the month, I never put any thought into what to do AFTER the month. I don't think that W is ready to give up the affair - she still believes it's NOT an affair because she justifies that our separation equals not being married.

I keep thinking that if I just wait a liiiiiitle longer, that things will change, but is that realistic?

I'm really relying on God - but God doesn't base his plans on mine! SO, whee!

[Tawnya]

{{JD}} as you know from posting those questions, there are no easy answers and I just think that maybe you should just "table" your thoughts until next week gets here..I know that sounds like procrastination..LOL..which I do like, but the thoughts are already out there, sounds like you've worked thru it, you've got it down in black and white..so now just totally SWITCH it off, think about anything BUT that (easier said than done I know)..

See how you feel in a week and go from there?!

Tawnya

[JDOllie]

How funny you should say that - I just said the exact same thing to someone. We got the circus this weekend, and seeing about 25 of my extended family - some coming from different states even, so it'll be a blast. They all love me to pieces too, so it is such a boost to be around them!

Just to make things confusing - W called me this morning. As usual, I let it go to voice mail. But she gave me this long update on the kids - how they were feeling, how she called the school to see what was going on, how she might keep them home one more day, and so on. I can't recall a single time she's ever called me to update me on their status during "her time".

Not reading anything into it - just weird.

So, ok, now - NOTHING until Monday!

[Amy M]

(((((Jon)))))!!!

Been trying to catch up a little after my trip last week. Thought I'd stop in and say, "Hello."

It's okay not to know what to do. If we knew what to do, we wouldn't be here, now would we?

I know you know my story, but, I thought I'd share just a little of my decision making process again since it's been a while...H is still involved with OW, and he still believes that the D is the right thing for our family (so, in that regard, things are different than in your case). And, once he made it clear that the D was the way to go for him, I started helping with the process...I want to make sure my future is secure, and to do that I needed an attorney. If I filed the papers, then there was the chance that my attorney would be the only one involved and we'd save tons of money. So far, that's the case.

But, the key for me was the H actually started really encouraging progress on the D. While he wasn't likely to act on his own, he did start really saying how we needed to move forward; he filled out the paperwork that we needed to get the ball rolling; he set a date that he'd be available to go drop off the papers; he brought the check to cover the retainer, etc. What I'm saying is that even though I'm the petitioner in my case, it's clear to me and to him that he owns the D.

And, that, to me, was extremely important.

I think you have to take your focus off your W and off your sitch. I know you really feel that you have, but, I feel pretty certain that's not the case! If you aren't sure D is the way to go, then, don't go there now. You have time. I know for many the D does bring emotional relief, and it might offer that for you as well. But, you don't have to get the D to move forward in your life.

If she's not pushing for it, and you proceed, I'm concerned that one day you'll look back and think, "Hmmmm...what if I had just waited a little longer."

The best advice I got during the very beginning of my marital struggle was from a divorced woman who I knew through my kid's sports activities. She said, "Don't hurry." She then told me how her H had come home and told her he was miserable and wanted out. So, she filed. She said that after it was all over, they were both regretful, but at that point neither of them saw the need to do the work to put the marriage back together.

I've suffered a lot over the last 2+ years, but I can honestly say that I don't regret putting off the D until H was certain that's what he wanted. And, to be honest, he's got the draft agreement to review now, and I don't intend to ask him for it. He'll return it when he's ready, and we'll file it then. In other words, I'll continue to wait for him to make the moves. I recognize your sitch has been tough for a long time too, but, only you know if it's been long enough...no one's judging you on that!

Finally, unless you discuss the D with the kids, they won't know that you aren't proceeding. So, they won't get the wrong message. Every once in a while my S7 asks me if we are D yet. I just always respond with, "Not yet. Divorce takes a long time." You aren't living with your W so you already aren't tolerating her affair. The kids won't see your delaying the D as any kind of acceptance of what your W is doing. In fact, the kids won't see that you are delaying the D at all.

So, take your time. Pray about it. Then, sit back and listen for God's response. But, you have to be still to hear Him...you can't be fidgeting around trying to decide on your own!

I've got you in my prayers and in my heart!!! You are a great guy, and you'll be fine however this turns out.

Love ya!
Amy

[lemonsnap]

Hi JD,
Sending good wishes your way and hoping you are able to separate yourself from this a little bit and get some needed mental peace! Even if it lasts 5 minutes!

[Sam1007]

JD!

As usual, it took 20 minutes to catch up on your last 4 days! LOL!

I would advise you not to do anything if you're not 100% sure. I strongly believe that it's better NOT to do anything than to do something you're not sure of, just for the sake of doing something. You'll know if you're 100% sure at some point. And like others said before, there IS no hurry. Concentrate on your own life and stop analyzing your W's actions. I am guilty of the same things, but we both need to try the best we can!

[JDOllie]

Hi all - I appreciate the comments and advice. Honestly, in my heart, I do want to wait. I've seen so many people that regretted "rash moves" - and it's difficult to take back.

I am taking a sabbatical the next five days. I will be back on Monday, and catch up!

[Tawnya]

{{{JD}}} enjoy your weekend my friend and can't wait to hear about it whenever your sabbatical is over!!

Tawnya

[Sam1007]

Yeah, keep us posted!

[K4D]

Just don't do it if there are any doubts. Those doubts may be there for a reason. Keep up your faith and patience.

Enjoy your weekend.

Kevin