A lot of people do have trouble with the idea that love is a decision. I understand it for myself as the person creates a favorable environment for love to blossom as a feeling in his heart and mind. For example, if I meet a handsome new man who shows interest in me, that man starts to appear in my thoughts. I can have good thoughts or not so good thoughts about him. By allowing the good thoughts, allowing the idea of him to stimulate me in that way creates the love feeling in me. Maybe not for others, but for me, I can feel love long before I know a person well enough for him to actually merit that feeling. I have recognized my role in creating a nest for love to thrive in. Once that nest is created, feelings of love can come into my heart.
On the other hand, over 20 years of marriage, I hardened my heart to my husband. There was nothing he could do to soften it and allow those feelings to thrive. When I heard that love was a decision, I rejected the thought for a while. But week after week in the post sessions, the idea was hammered home. I didn't so much decide to love my husband as decide to soften my heart and stop criticizing. Stop keeping score of the bad. Start focusing on the good. Start allowing myself to be open to him.
As for the question of why should the other person try. I think we had a similar question in the big writing session. A lot of my answer was influenced by the fact that just 5 months before our home, that we had custom built, was partially destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. The home destruction analogy resonated very well with us. I could walk around our new home and imagine cracks in the walls and the roof hanging in when I thought about divorce. So I talked about the family that we had built, and how he belonged there, just as the children did. I remember describing the living room with a fire in the fireplace, and all of us laughing about something, and how he belonged in that scene. Not a new man. Not a man who wasn't the children's father. In my situation, I think my husband did need a feeling of belonging.
