I woke up this morning feeling much calmer. In fact, I didn't even think about the california stuff until I had been awake for a while. I realized several things: -I think I was probably overreacting to a very casual comment -I think they are still planning to do a program at a conservatory in NYC this coming fall, so it's not like a move to california is imminent or even will actually ever happen -I am still trying to control everything, even though we barely have any contact and he lives 958 miles away from me -everyone and their mother fantasizes about moving away from NYC in february, it is totally friggin miserable, so probably anyone would say "wow, I want to move to LA" if they were visiting there from NYC in february -I myself have had recent fantasies about moving to california myself, completely unrelated to this voicemail event -in summary: whether or not he moves to another place really does not make or break anything in the end. -in final summary: I am ok. -I am trying to learn to be better at calming myself down instead of asking others to help me to do that.
Jeff, to answer your questions. We had a track record of not including each other in our plans. It was a pattern in our relationship. Of mutual exclusion. (For example, MOI, thinking that I could move to friggin' atlanta for 2 years and it wouldn't have any impact on our connection.) At times this was something that we were proud of ("Freedom"), at times it was a source of great pain and frustration. There was also a lot of planning that we did include each other in, as well as plans that he wanted to include me in that I resisted.
Trust me, I think about what you asked me frequently. The irony is that I am not sure. I do not know if this means i am just detaching, if I am getting over it, or if it's actually letting go that will bring him back, or not bring him back. To paraphrase Rumi, this union I want, I don't know if it will come about as the result of effort on my part, as a result of me surrendering effort, or as a result of something that has absolutely nothing to do with my actions whatsoever.
Basically, I am really ready to focus on my own happiness right now.
