Retrouvaille saved me - AN #3

[confusedinpa]

Here's how I see that...You gave her the reason she "should" try again, responsibility to you and others, and that reason had nothing to do with her. Maybe you felt that by saying "I love her" that was about her...but it was about you. So she said why should I try again...and what you said sounded to her like...because I love you, so you should....as in her owing it to. Maybe she does owe it to you, I don't know. But that's not a real effective motivator, I think, in the long run. I think she needs to feel that you want her to be happy, that you want what's best for her, not what's going to avoid some trauma, that she can easily convince herself will not be that bad. For her, being married was the trauma. Does that make sense?

I think you need to come up with another answer for her...even if to you, you have the other reasons in your heart. My opinion is that you need to approach it with...there is time here. There is time to try and see if it can truly be different, that she can fully be herself and be happy in this relationship, that you can have a NEW marriage, and that as she grows as a person, she may find her feelings for you again. I think this idea of "love is a decision" Make a closed decision to try again because you "should" is going to drive her further away.

Breakaway,

This is very insightful for me as well - my wife is going through the same battle. She keeps saying that's she can't find a reason to change her mind. In the past I tried the I love you route as well and got no/negative response.

More recently (i.e. last couple of days), she said that even though she sees the changes in me, she's still can't find a reason to change her mind, even though what I'm doing now is exactly what she was looking for several months ago.

She said that it was confusing to her as first there was the person she fell in love with in the beginning, then there is a second person who caused her all the pain/hurt and now there is me. She said that the big difference between me now and the first person is how much more verbal I am now. She said I was a man of few words when she met me.

I told her this was part of my awakening as I read/understand more, I am able to express and show it more (beyond just physical, which is what I did when I first met her). She said she's not sure about the new me and that's when I said to her that if she's not sure, perhaps she should take some time to find out. We left the conversation at that point.

We're going through a down period now so I'm getting very frustrated and anxious about it. I really am looking for an up period to ask about Retroville, but I know I need to pick my point very cautiously....