Retrouvaille saved me - AN #3

[breakaway]

Progress is very, very slow. My W told me yesterday (through Dialogue) that she feels vulnerable and unsure about the post program. Basically she is not ready yet to work on our marriage (just our "friendly" relationship), so she feels pressured by all of this. She says she does not understand the "Love is a decision" part, and she does not have the feelings of falling in love again.

I think maybe I understand a little bit why this could be bothering her. Perhaps if it was rephrased...to be...love is a choice. That she does have a choice. Instead of feeling like she is "supposed to" make a decision...That love is a decision, and the correct decision...so if you don't make that decision then you are a bad person. Which would be pressure.

I know this sounds like splitting hairs, but I think the exact words used are important at this vulnerable stage. When I feel like I don't have a choice I feel trapped and want to run...but feeling like I DO have a free choice makes me more willing to settle down a little and be more patient.

She asked me to give her one reason to try again. I told her that I love her and that it would save four people from the trauma of D.

Here's how I see that...You gave her the reason she "should" try again, responsibility to you and others, and that reason had nothing to do with her. Maybe you felt that by saying "I love her" that was about her...but it was about you. So she said why should I try again...and what you said sounded to her like...because I love you, so you should....as in her owing it to. Maybe she does owe it to you, I don't know. But that's not a real effective motivator, I think, in the long run. I think she needs to feel that you want her to be happy, that you want what's best for her, not what's going to avoid some trauma, that she can easily convince herself will not be that bad. For her, being married was the trauma. Does that make sense?

I think you need to come up with another answer for her...even if to you, you have the other reasons in your heart. My opinion is that you need to approach it with...there is time here. There is time to try and see if it can truly be different, that she can fully be herself and be happy in this relationship, that you can have a NEW marriage, and that as she grows as a person, she may find her feelings for you again. I think this idea of "love is a decision" Make a closed decision to try again because you "should" is going to drive her further away.

I do not remember exactly what she said (we were on the phone, as I am out of town), but she sounded like she was convinced she could get a D without the trauma.

Okay, you're the new AN, right? I think you need to start remembering exactly what she says in these situations, whether you're on the phone or not. I mean...this was kind of an important conversation...her response to what you said is going to give you the information you need to reach her. Let the women on the board help you!! If you could tell us EXACTLY what she said...then we could help you figure out if what "it sounded like" was accurate. I'll say it again.. the words matter right now (and always really, to a woman).

This requires all my strength and patience right now. Not sure if she will get the "decision" concept during the upcoming post sessions. I can say for myself that I was not sure I loved her back in November or December, but as I made a few decisions to trust her (renewing our D5's passport), to love her (have been doing a lot of little things for her), and to commit to the Retro program, I started getting these feelings again. And today I feel as attracted to her as when we fell in love the first time.

That's great..but again I'd caution you on coming at it with, well I made that decision, so should you.

But I also have a better grasp on my boundaries. I communicated to her that her post-D plans (moving back to Germany with the kids) are and will always be unacceptable to me.

Good for you! It's good not to lose yourself and your needs while trying to reach your wife and meet some of hers. You sound like you are staying balanced.

Hope some of this helps you understand what she might be feeling.