Dear JJ, I hear the roller coaster ride you've gone on when attempting a risk and then completing it. So, now that you are a few days away from seeing him on that trial run, how do you view that interaction? More to the point, how did the interaction impact your R with A? Negative? Positive? Neutral?
As you already know JJ, your feelings aren't the best way to gauge the interaction - the outcome is a more true indicator (and I know you know this too!). So, as I read your posts, I realize that many of your writings are about your need to process your thoughts and feelings. Then, over time, your assessing turns into thoughtful conclusions, which lead you into positive steps. So, what R conclusions about your risk-taking have you come to?
Thoughtful conclusion hugs to you, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hey JoJo1 I've been reading your posts, not all of them, but a lot. I feel pretty much the same as you. How long were you married? What's the living situation? I understand wanting to wait and work things out with your H. And really, if you are still in love with someone, dating another person is just mean to that person. I told my friends that and that seemed to sink in and not one more thing about me getting out there again.
Feeling at a loss. Figuring going dark is still the way to go. Nothing else seems to work. Acting as if I'm glad we got a divorce (best thing that happened) Supposing that 'that' would definitely be a 180. Reading books again. Trying to build hope. Disappointed.
Conclusion...Neutral...it is just a 'wait & see' game (which I'm tired of doing). He was busy (now I understand that Sundays are very busy there. We didn't really get to visit at all , but he was nice...he waved to me with a big smile...he said that I was looking good. But...nothing that was apparent that would excell the relationship forward.
Re: my risk taking...I feel more confident. I know that I can try new things now. I know that I couldn't have done this 6 months ago.
My gut feeling was that he needs to set the boundaries. He has always been the one who wants to make the rules, change the rules, and expects me to play by them. I just got that feeling by our communication to each other that he has to guard himself. It's just my gut.
Thanks slh: A (my H) and I were married 5 years. We have been apart a long 2-1/2 years (he left)...we rarely argued. I can count on one hand how many times we disagreed. I hate thinking about the day he left.
I never chased him. I cried a lot...I was depressed, but I didn't want to ease his guilty conscience by acting crazy. I think my friends (our friends) told him that I was distraught It took me awhile to figure out not to be friends with them anymore...
Soooo, A didn't talk to me until last March. I was shocked. So, like the slowest turtle in the world, things are changing. I want to pull my hair out sometimes.
As far as telling my friends about not dating, they don't go there anymore. Sometimes, they throw it out because they think they are being helpful. I tell them, 'hey, you're not helping'.
Living situation: I bought myself a little cape house...it's cute, and he bought himself a condo. We both renovated. His place is really very handsome...'cept no furniture yet.
I was hoping for so much more by now...I love him very much, and I won't give up hope. I hope that you don't give up either. I'm just tired.
Dear Still Loves Him, I appreciate your point about it being mean to date someone else if you are still in love with your H and your goal is to regain your M. And it can all sorts of confusion as well.
Michele has always been clear that even though it can be helpful to "get a life" and to offer a bit of "mysterious" behavior, choosing to date at this point is unhelpful in so many ways.
Great point!!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Now, you know in my book that neutral is more on the positive than the negative side, right? BECAUSE - you took a risk that you've not taken before and it went OK! That is "good".
Also, you've learned something you didn't fully think about before. That is, Sundays are really busy for him. You now have a bit more information about his life - that is "good".
He said you were looking good. One more "good". He waved with a BIG smile. Let's make that two "goods".
JoJo, what is really wonderful is you've gained confidence by your risk taking. That says to me quite a few things:
1. You are feeling stronger about yourself to even try the risk taking. 2. You are wise and objective when thinking through what type of risk you could take that would tend not to hurt the R. 3. And, you've gained a newer sense of confidence because you made this attempt!
You mirrored his behavior by stopping by. You let him set the boundaries and then you just reciprocated. I know you will be very, very careful about balancing your risk-taking. But, what a very different response you got this time than you've had before and could have gotten. Ok, one more - because you deserve it:
Goods, grins and hugs, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Hi Jojo1 Well, I'm still holding out hope and I'm very hopeful. We've made a lot of progress since right before Valentines Day. There's been more flirting on his part and we'll have great days. But he's the King of Backlash. The next day, I won't hear from him all day, but I see him every evening. I will give him all the credit he deserves, since the separation, he has only missed two days when it comes to seeing his son. He was out of town both times. What's more impressive is that I moved out of the house, forcing him to move back in. Of course, our S came with me. I think that might have been the best move I've made so far and really, the first one that gave me a feeling that I was finally feeling more like me again. But everyday we're officially apart just sucks. There's no other way to explain it. He is great, flirty, caring, wonderful. Then he is distant and does things that suck. For example, two weeks ago or so we had family photos taken. He said he would go, but wasn't going to be in the pictures. Whatever. We get there, the photographer says "You're crazy. I got a black shirt (S and I were wearing jeans and black shirts) and you're getting in these pictures." He did, the pictures were awesome. We did family shots, shots with him and S, then shots with me and S and then shots of me and H. They were so cute. He posted the pictures of S, and of him and S on Facebook this morning. But none of me in any of them. That blows. But I figure he has a long way to come back home and one day, he'll post pictures of us again. (I used to have a Facebook page, but killed it because it was too much drama.) Hang in there Jojo1. I'll hang in there with you.
Thanks Laurie It annoyed the crap out of me when a couple of friends suggested it. One because she really thought I needed to get out and the other because she thought I needed to get revenge. No matter why, it just felt really really wrong.
Thanks for hanging in there SLH! Your H definitely sounds like he is giving double messages. He might be confused himself, but he sounds like a good Dad. You sound like you are doing awesome even though it is difficult. It is great that you give yourself credit and can find some positive ... kudos to you!
