yes...but then they have OW...being alone with their thoughts is a killer, so OW keeps them from facing their issues...a drug , an addiction
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provided a good decent sex life, (he says it was the best),
they do but then turn around and tell OW the same! I found a note to OW cow- child whore saying verbatim what he used to say to me....i was am still crushed by that....another good reason not to snoop!
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I believe in a couple years or so he will see what a mistake he as made
if you let him alone to wallow in his mess yes he will. but if you persist in bugging him you will
1) prolong the crisis
2) re-affirm his reasons for leaving
you have a great chance to work on you , spend quality time with your son while he is in the tunnel...leave the door ajar and you never know who you might see peeking in in a year or so....
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
a new 2moro, if having the ow keeps them from facing their issues, how do they make progress? He may have ow for a long time. Does this mean it will prolong the crisis? I am over 2 months divorced and over 5 months seperated. I am just now at the point where I can leave him alone. BUT I will tell you, I did damage with my anger. I really left a bad taste in his mouth and lost all trust. It will take some time for me to prove myself again. For a long time, the sound of what I just said about "proving myself to him" made me angry. I felt like I didnt owe him anything and he should be the one doing the proving. BUT now I understand this is what I have to do. I cant fight with him about this, I treat it like a disease. Many people have told me that he will wake up one day soon and want to come home after realizing what he did to his family. I just hope its not too late. I want that day to be soon but its not coming soon so I go on and leave the door ajar. He has said many times though that he will never be home and when I asked how he can predict the future, he says because he controls his life and what goes on. I have not been contacting him but I assume he still feels this way. I have only seen and talked with him once in 9 days and that was in court. I have a long road, I know it and I dread it. Does it get any better from here? and Do they all say they are never coming back? (I may have asked these questions before, but I mentally was a mess a few weeks/months ago)
SSL they all want to be left alone. They all say they are never coming back. You must stay clear and leave him be. He is in a crisis and it may be a long crisis. Going on 3 years for me, but my h is finally looking back some and I am hopeful that he may still return.
He is carrying a lot of anger that he needs to let go of. By you doing the opposite of what he is asking it keeps fueling that fire. Stay clear and let him be.
This is hard, but you can do it.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
glamgirl when you say you are going on 3 years, is that from the time you seperated? My xh has never wanted to come back yet, but its only been a little over 5 months since he left, but we are divorced...over 2 kmonths. He refused mc. I noticed yours did the mc. What is ADS? Is it worse if they go straight for divorce like mine did? He says he did it because he wanted to move on, go out, and he couldnt do that without feeling quilty. He may have lied about that too. I think it was more shame, his best friends are all married and think he has went off the deepend anyway.
I am soooo scared my xh is going to get married! He says there is no way and I dont have to worry about that, but they say to not believe anything they say, so I am worried.
Hey Renee, I have been following your sitch some and I understand your concern about him getting remarried. I use to worry about that to, but then I thought, why would that matter? Evidently marriage isnt all that important to them, or they wouldnt divorce us. I have been doing this for over 2 years now and my H is back and forth so much on his thoughts, I know he will never be happy with any decision.
Hope you have a good day.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
kssak how long did it take him to come back the first time? I didnt handle things very well. I had alot of anger and trouble letting go and not calling up until now, so mine may not want to come back for a LONG TIME.
Am I the only one that acted out during this? I know this holds up their progress, but I love him so much! Did any of you call and call and call? Did you try to interfere with their relationships.... yep I was bad, I done it all.
I think we all have done it all, or wanted to. I know I did interfer with my H's other relationship. My H left and was back in about 2 months, but the OW wouldnt let him be and so he was back and forth between us too many times for me to remember and I do mean TOO MANY!! Maybe dozens in the last 2 years. HE did move home twice all the way. But now the OW has moved on and remarried leaving him with his thoughts. She did a number on his emotions and Christmas put him in the dumps and he wanted to come home again....yes again. But he hasnt this time. He is battling with thoughts of what would be the right decision. My thought is why would coming home to your wife and children that love you be the wrong decision?? Im still in limbo. Seems I have to make the decision.
I do see acting out definitley holds up things. I know you love him, but all you can do is have patience to see how things work out.
I still have trouble letting go. But I am doing alot better. This time instead of being hurt, I am mad.
DOnt put a time line on him coming back. Just try to stay busy with your life and doing things you want to do. Let him be for a while. I dont think its been long enough for him yet.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
SSL yep we have all done it. I was slapped with a restraining order from harassing my h in the beginning, what he referred to. Well I needed money for the kids and he wouldn't take my calls, so I had to show up at his work.
Well I should have left it alone, but as you can see today, we are still going strong. My h left in Aug 06 so almost 3 years that he has not lived in our home. AD's anti-depressants. My h as we have found out has been very depressed for years and finally got some medical intervention.
I have been lucky that he has asked for help and that he agrees to marriage counseling.
I don't know about being D and if you have any less chances. I wouldn't focus on that, but loving from a distance and loving unconditionally. That is what made a difference for me and my h. Neither one of us has pursued the D route.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
well guys like I said, my xh wanted a divorce almost from the day he moved out. He is living with a young girl but interested in another, although he want admit it. He said once that this young girl is for companionship. That he has no feelings for her. There is another young lady 3 years older that he really likes. He works with her and she says he has feelings for her. I dont know where that may lead. I dont talk with her much anymore. It just hurts me, even though I dont think she means to.
Does it prolong their being gone when they live with someone or has someone? Guys I know I have asked this, but what if my xh ISNT in mlc? I think of this often, what if he just doesnt love me or is just unhappy? You know my xh has 3 other brothers and ALL three have left their wives and children and never returned, a couple tried with no success. Everyone thought my xh would be different because he stayed with his grandmother when he was growing up. Everyone was so surprised by him leaving, because he always told everybody how happy he was and how much he loved us. I asked him about this, and he said he TRIED to make it work but couldnt. He hid his REAL feeling apparently. I promise I NEVER KNEW. He would get mad and say things like, you are pushing me right out the door. BUT he always lashed out with mean things when we got mad. He would say afterward that he couldnt imagine life without me and his son in it. Sometimes I think he just stayed for fear of being alone, and when he saw he could attract other women he got brave enough to go. When we first seperated he said things like if he came home things were gonna change. I just agreed with him even though I didnt know what he meant. Then he would say if we have any chance of ever being together again I had to leave him alone, that I was ruining any chance we had by pursueing him. We seperated in Sept. and I pursued him really hard until probably Jan. I put a real bad taste in his mouth were I was concerned. From that he started saying he would NEVER be home. We still were intimate until about a month ago. I wish I could have a "do over" so badly, because I think I have ruined any chance we had. I was so bitter about the other women. He now says he doesnt ever want to come home and never will for me to go on with my life.
I wanted to add. From what I have written do you think I have ruined it all? Also when I get time I will write what I know to be the complete story from beg to end as I know it, to try and get some sort of timeline.
