The H and I have had conversations about the finances. I wrote down all we owed in November when this started, with the advice of a good friend. I told him I am completely responsible for half of all of the debt and nothing else that is added after that day in November. He has used one of the cards, and I've made it clear again I am not going to help him pay that crap. He agreed. Oddly, I'm grateful for our debt. It's bought me some time with H. I hate being separated. I miss him. I miss the small things (how he smells after a shower) to the huge things (making plans for our lives together with the S and the dog). But I need to be able to smile and really smile, so it reaches my eyes. For a while there co-workers I barely knew were asking me if everything was ok. That's when it hit me "Snap out of it". Before H and def. before S, I would tell my parents not to call me unless it was an emergency because I was not going to deal with anyone. I got movies, books, music, junk food and just vegged out in my apartment. This was when I was living alone. I loved those weekends. I didn't get to do them often but when I did, I LOVED it. I had a new outlook on Monday. I felt more independent during that time of my life than ever before. I miss that girl sometimes. She was not afraid of being alone. Right now, I can't really let things go. I know that if H and I are going to be able to get to a reconciliation, it won't last long if I can't get past some of the crap that's happened. Some of it is really stupid and I know this, some of it is more serious but all of it can be released....I just really have to work on that skill. And no, I'm not really good at it, but I will give myself some credit that I have gotten better, but understand, I was REALLY bad. I think I am an affectionate person. I shower my son with lots of affection. I think I forgot to ration it out and give some to H too. Yup. I was that chick, had a baby and forgot about the other person in the family. I hate to admit that but it's true. I can also admit when I'm pissed I with hold the affection from H. Also, not something I'm proud of. I don't want to control him. (I do get to pick out his clothes because he's color blind, but we both agree that's good for everyone) But I want him to take better care of himself for our S who deserves to have him for as long as possible. He's the typical guy who ignores symptoms and just keeps going. That scares me. We do need him. Yes, I love the dog. She was our first major purchase, if you will, when we got together. I love her. This situation has been hard on her too. I know it's not all about me but I confess, it makes me NUTZ that H seems to think it's all about him. It makes me want to be selfish too sometimes. Sometimes I feel very balanced and sometimes I feel like I'm in a free fall. Truly this is a roller coaster. I do have the goal printed and on my mirror at home. I have the advice from my therapist (love her) and my DB Coach (love her) and some other tid bits I've picked up here. I'm a visual learner. Thanks Jeanette1120. You rock.
