I didn't support him as well as I could have regarding immigrating. I wasn't honest enough and a bit selfish because I enjoyed my life here. I did always say to him we'll go if it's what you want and that I'd go anywhere in the world to make him happy but maybe he sensed that we were looking in different directions.
How I wish he would sit down and discuss this with me. Help me understand what is going on with him so I can maybe help. I don't believe he would ever intentionally hurt me, he's too good a man. He can't help how he feel can he.
I never want to give up or lose him but I can't stand to be the cause of his pain.
Why was I so blind and selfish? Even if there is/was another woman, I still see my part in this.
Ok first it is 1hope like the number one. They go back into last summer sometime.
What you are doing and feeling is totally normal. We have all been there. And it is good to see your part in the Marriage but trust all of us that it isn't all your fault. We all have things we could have done differently.
Have you been to the doctor yet?
You must remember to breath. Right now you might want to find something to do to make you feel a little better and take your mind off of it for the moment. You have to calm and calm and calm some more so you can figure out what exactly is the best thing to do.
You sound a little open minded and like maybe you know about the Law of Attraction. So you know it is time to start with positive thinking. If all you focus on is what you are losing, you will definately lose it. PMA, 180's, GAL are all important terms around here. It won't happen over night. You can do this.
Last edited by kelaaron; 02/25/0912:33 PM.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
You're so right. He came home at lunch time for some banking stuff and I was very upbeat oh hello etc. He sent a text to ask if I was coming home for dinner and I just said no but I could pick him up something. We also have a lot of building work going on and just been told that they now need to rip out the kitchen. These are the type of things that stress him so I sent a text saying the surveyor was going to call him and what it was about. I said know you have enough on your plate right now but it will be fine and sooner sorted the better.
My thinking here was that it would be tomorrow before I could have told him about it as I'm out tonight and I used to always tell him things would work out before re stuff like that. He' very much why doe this all happen to me person. I felt that I wasn't chasing, just showing that:-
1 I wasn't going to start getting stressed about the house the way I did when we first moved here therefore, intead of supporting him, adding to the stress
2. Taking a wee bit of control and putting things in perspective.
I'm going to fight for the marriage and use the precious time I have to make big improvements. I'm not going to be a doormat, He can do as he pleases this weekend and then, once we have been to counselling, I'll calmly try set up some boundaries/actions so that we're both comfortable with each other.
I think we're both doing the same lol, he just texted back no point in getting stressed if it needs done, it needs done. I just replied that right.
He then went on to say have a nice evening, I'm going for a swim and will get dinner on way home. Now, I've always went swimming and he's never come along with me and his new gym has a great pool which I always said I#d go to when he was at the gym.
Most probably, I'm reading too much into it like is he trying to bug me? but yesterday I would have said 'But you never came swimming with me' blah blah.
I just said he should enjoy his swim. Afterall, not much I can do about the guy wanting to go swimming is there.
Hey Regrets that was very good not saying, the "You never came swimming with me before". I know it is hard not to, but one thing I have always tried to remember, Would you rather be right or be married? Try not to argue on issues that really aren't that important.
Kel will give you very good advice, as she has given me! 1Hope is also great with advice and has been dealing with her H's alien sightings for a while now.
I like you and your H are in my first marriage, and my H's 2nd. We don't have any kids ourselves, H had one from D his first marriage, who lived with us. We do have two dogs that are like kids.
Remember you did not cause this, don't blame yourself. You are on the right track with the PMA. Sometimes it is hard, but it always will get you to a better place.
This does take time, we would all love for it to be over and we would be back to the wonderful prebomb life, but it doesn't work that way. My friends here have helped me the most, including Kel, 1Hope and Babygirl. My RL friends have also been very supportive, but it is hard for them to understand why I won't leave since my H is having an affair, but it isn't that simple. They have adjusted and support me in what ever I am doing at that moment. I feel better talking to certain friends than my family.
I do agree with Kel on the family issues, I didn't tell my parents anything for about a month after the bomb, and then I didn't give any details. They mean well, but I don't want to hear every time I see them, How are things? are there any changes? My mom still asks periodically, but I think she has figured out that if something changes hugely I will let them know. I know she wants to be more involved, but I am not wanting any more involvement than already happening.
You just have to take it slow and be ready for anything. Go out with your friends, you said you had lots of them, that is good getting out and being with friends is a great way to spend any extra time. I have become better friends with my friends, then I ever was before.
I don't have much in the way of new advice, as I am still figuring everything out, but we are all here to listen, and you can vent here all you would like. Just remember you are not alone.
I went out last night and had a good good night, all the girls are supporting me.
I really went slightly crazy this morning. I was rocking like a mad woman and unconsolable,I'm waiting on doctor to call me back. I know it#s chasing but I can't stand it any longer. I haven't badgered him but he is just withdrawing more and more.
I called him and said I know you have football and you're out fri sat but really could do with you coming along to counsellor. I said it's not for you, it's for me, I need a little help dealing with this whatever the outcome. Straight away he calmed me down and said yes whenever you can get appt I'll come.
I know I may not like the answers if any, but I can't go on like this. I'm making myself ill and it's no good for either of us.
He is a nice, decent man so I realise that he is probably only doing this to help me move on in 2 short weeks.
It may sound selfish and putting him under pressure but I need, for my own sanity, some sort of clue as to what has happened.
He just called to see how I was. I just went for it and I'm not ok, he said that it is ok for me to cry and feel what I'm feeling. He said lots of things have been going on but that when I'm drunk, i'm nasty to him and I've said before 'we're finished'.
He said its not all my fault and there is other stuff not ow but I've not to blame myself.
I ave said to im before we're finished. I don't know why I do this not for at least a year and I know I can't just focus on that but he wants to go out a drive or a walk tonight and just talk.
I told him that I've had a good look at my behaviour and reasons I do this when drinking, I told him that I know this is not a quick fix thing and that I'm going to work on myself.
He keeps saying it's not all my fault and he said he really thinks counselling will help.
I'm going to tred very carefully here because I want this marriage to work. I've caused this negative, self destruction and I'm going to do everything in my power to mend it. This man is the greatest man in the world and he does not deserve this treatment. He has never ever treated me with even disrespect. For that reason, I'm going to do what is in HIS best interests.
I didn't appreciate what I had and I'm going to try my best to work on that again.
The energy I've wasted being jealous of his ex - destructive and totally no need for it.
I'm changing my ways for myself. I know this sounds like I'm taking all the blame and I know there is still stuff I need to hear. I know I'm a good person and I know we can work this out.
I want to say I'm glad you called the doctor. There is nothing wrong with getting a little help when you need it.
You are right in one way, he could just be doing this to help you get over it. But you could be wrong and it may be something he really is open to. Unfortunately, you won't know until some time passes, until you have been to the counseling and until talking starts to happen.
You are not feeling any different than most of us when we came here. So keep posting. Just write journaling on the top if you are just writing to get it out. That is an extremly important thing. You won't find all of the answers here as there is no one quick fix. But you will get support, ideas, understanding and a whole bunch of other things that will help you. Right now you are gonna hear a lot of GAL, goals, etc... At the beginning that is the most important thing and eventually it just becomes a part of you.
I wish that I could tell you this will all be fine tomorrow. I wish I could tell you that all marriages get worked out. But I can't. What I can tell you is this--you will be stronger. You will learn a whole bunch about yourself. You will be happy again. You will survive. Regardless of the outcome of what is happening in your marriage right now. Additionally, you may not get the answers you are seeking in therapy. It doesn't always happen. If you believe in God or a higher power, pray. Pray for strength and patience.
Good luck and keep posting.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Right, he would only say that I can't handle fact he had been married. He wants to wait for counselling on Sat.
I agreed with him that I had issues there, didn't try explain myself or defend myself. He actually did that for me. I told him that I can handle anything he wants to say and that there are no right or wrongs and that he must think of himself. and not to worry about me.
Obviously there is more but he didn't want to go on so I left it and acted happy :-(
We chatted more about new job I don't think he is happy there and we were much more relaxed with each other.
re the ex, he's right, there was issues there. could kick myself now but I'm working on improving me. I want to save this.
So apart from GAL, what do I do now. Continue acting happy?
