Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

Hi All,

My initial thread got locked, so this is a continuation and an update.

My initial thread is here:

Still in Shock from my WAW

A brief update on my Sitch:

My W and I have been married for 10 years and, although I was clueless until last November, the warning signs were there for a long time.

During the early years of our M, I was over-focused on work and did not really understand the support that my W needed or how she needed me to return her love. She avoids conflict and never really said anything, although in retrospect I can see that she made a number of attempts to improve things. I can also now see (hindsight is 20/20) that she began withdrawing a couple of years ago. I felt her withdraw, got pulled into the vacuum and without realizing it became the unwitting pursuer.

This all came to a head when I discovered an EA and she dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb just before Thanksgiving, 2008. I went into heavy (but naturally ineffective) full pursuit from then until Christmas time when I discovered DB.

Since then we have been through cycles of my detaching and GALing (and then sometimes backsliding) and her agreeing to end and then restarting the EA. We are still living together, working closely to raise our kids, and sleeping in the same bed, and all of this has made it difficult for me to detach.

I have to keep reminding myself that: in her mind the M has been dead for a long time, She is convinced that a long term M to me means only more "abandonment" from me and that she can never again be in love with me. She badly wants the passion and excitement that she believes would come from a new R where there is "true love", and is really only staying around right now because of the kids and because a D would be unpleasant (she shies away from conflict and change). She is still emotionally tied to OM.

I believe that she is also talking to several divorced friends of hers and trying to figure out a way that she could get a D without the pain or the disruption to the family. She even went so far as to suggest (in a round about way via a story about a friend of hers) that a divorce would be possible where we just keep the house, get a second (how???, with what $$) and just not tell the kids that we were no longer married (WHAT???)

I have to keep reminding myself of all of this because 1) she is still here, 2) I still love her and 3)she never talks about any of it (again, avoiding conflict and unpleasant discussions). As it is, we have a pleasant day or two, and I quickly forget, become more attached.

We were in MC, but those ended because the C recommended we stop when he found out that the EA was still ongoing, and because the sessions were very stressful for my W. She seems to be happy living day to day but is emotionally unwilling to make any commitment to the future. Each MC session was asking her for that commitment. Since the beginning of Jan, 09 we have both been in IC (with the same C that did our MC). The C seems to be a supporter of the M, and is supporting me in the DB principles -- ie focus on yourself!

I have been doing pretty well in the GAL area: Lost weight and am back to where I was 10 years ago, working out 4 times a week, back in touch with friends, started a monthly Guys night out, buying my own clothes, learning to play the guitar, reading a bunch of self-help books and working on my inner demons, etc. It actually feels pretty good. I feel a lot better and have regained a lot of the self confidence I lost over the past couple of years.

My biggest challenge has been in truly detaching and stopping pursuit. Since she is always here around me I find it VERY HARD not to watch, try to interpret her actions, predict where she is headed, predict the future, etc. I have to remind myself multiple times a day to detach, stop trying to control or influence her, stop worrying about what she is doing, stop worrying about what is going on with her at all, and turn my focus back onto me.

So far I have found that I use DB for a combination of Journaling, looking for support, and asking for advice.

Feel free to jump in -- Thanks.

[Thinker]

Hi Sandi, Coach,

Just an update to let you know that I never received any feedback at all regarding the letter you helped me construct last week. She never even acknowledged that she got it, and I never asked or fished for feedback.

I expected her to say something (even just a quick "Thanks") when I first saw her after her retreat, but I now know that I'll never hear anything.

Thanks for your help last week.

[Thinker]

I've been trying to detach and back off more - really trying to stop pursuing. I read a lot on NewMe's thread about detaching and codependence that really sounds familiar.

Once again, I am finding it really hard. The more stop pursuing - don't initiate any sort of contact, etc - the more she seems to interpret it as rejection and backs away herself.

This is one of my big fears. She feels I was never there to support her in times of trouble (I was there, but probably not very supportive) and I am afraid that she is now going to feel "see, I told you, once again I am sad and down and you aren't there for me" Sometimes it really just feels like she matches my pulling back.

I just have to deal with it and be patient.

In the meantime, I am heading out on a business trip this am. 3 days away. The last time was a nightmare - literally no contact from my W, and she started up the EA again (and tried to take it further) while I was gone.

This time I am a lot more relaxed - really just wondering what is going to happen.

Sandi - I'm also taking more of your advice and making another change -- just started growing a mustache / goatee. Never done that before

[Thinker]

I am quoting this from Steady, who posted it on another thread.

I know when I am rigerously honest, I was just as unhappy with my R as my W was. The problem we have now is that we see what was our fault in the destruction of the R and are working on it, while our spouses have no interest in it.

I'm holding onto what I think our M could have been if we BOTH did the work to get past all of this cr@p that happened between us. But my W decided she doesn't want to do the work. That's her decision, and I can't change that. It's out of my control.

Thanks Steady. This is true for me as well. Although I am being slow to admit it, I wasn't happy either.

I have also been focused (for a long time, since far before the bomb) on "what I think our M could have been if..."

Update:
I'm on a business trip now, and have been keeping contact to a minimum - one call last night to talk to the boys. One string of texts to set up the call.

My W has been very cold and distant for the past XX days (not sure how many - a week or so) One word answers to questions are the norm.

Normally, when I am traveling, I would have called her at least twice - once to say good morning, once to say good night, but right now I know those would not be welcomed.

I still have to fight really really hard against myself not to call.

Been reading a ton: finished "Way of the Superior Man" - next up "Codependent no more"

[Thinker]

I've been on a business trip for the past 2 days - out of towns with all day meetings and dinners at night, etc. Having a pretty good time. In fact, I got to meet up with my best friend (who lives out of town) for dinner an a couple of beers this evening.

I've been avoiding calling my W, and she has not called me ... and then another bomb hit.

I found out a few minutes ago, by being on a family email list, that MIL's cancer has come back, seriously. My W found out yesterday, and has been upset, making plans to spend time with MIL, etc., but never called to tell me.

I called my W immediately to tell her how sorry I am to hear this and see if there is anything I can do.

Even with the state of our R, I am surprised that my W did not call me to tell me, or even tell me when I did talk to her briefly yesterday evening. When I called her, she acted surprised that I knew, and actually grilled me on how I found out, etc.

I am really sorry that she feels she has to deal with this alone.

[Thinker]

Now back home after 3 days away on a business trip. I am happy to be home, but it is amazing how much more detached I felt when I was away. I slept a lot better alone in a hotel bed. Now back home, I am immediately focused again on my W.

I finished "Codependent No More" yesterday. I can tell that while I am not codependent in the full way it is described, I definitely have a good bit of it. Some of it built up over the past few years when I started depending more and more on my W for my happiness and was at the same time feeling her pulling away. The rest of it came in a flash with the EA and the bomb.

It is hard to get rid of, but just have to focus on myself - so off to the gym I go.

[Thinker]

My W's b-day is in a few days, and this morning I was joking with my S in front of her and told him that "Mommy was going to be 23". He said "Mom! you told me you were going to be 15". I said "15???, Man, I would not want to be 15 again!", to which my W replied "I would!", and then "Then I could go back and do some things differently!"

Wow! what is going on there??

[Thinker]

Sunday is my W's birthday, and after some thought, I have decided to make it a nice one for her, although not to go overboard. It doesn't fit in with the overall "back off and focus on yourself" philosophy, but it's what I want to do, and we are, after all, still married. She is also going through a rough time with the news about her mothers cancer, so she needs a nice weekend right now.

We are going out for drinks and desserts tomorrow night (to ring in the birthday) with a few friends, and then I collaborated with one of her friends to have a bunch of her friends and their families meet us and surprise her for cake and ice cream on Sunday evening.

So nothing personal, nothing "just the two of us" and no pressure - although I am sure she will find out from her friends that I organized it all.

After a lot of thought, I also bought her birthday presents - a nice, but not over the top, pair of earrings "from me"(no diamonds ) and a jar of bath salts ( "from the boys" ). Again this is not part of the LRT philosophy, but it's who I am.

It is certainly a bit more than she did for my birthday - I got a balloon and a sweater "from the boys" - and later found longing essays that she wrote to OM on the same day - but although I thought about it, I don't have it in me to do the same thing to her (ie just a small present from "the boys" and nothing from me). Maybe it's not the best thing for our M in the long term, but then again, who knows...

Please feel fee to jump in...

[NewMe]

Hi Thinker,

Your thread name caught my attention and then saw that you had read some of mine and read "co-dependence no more". Sounds like you are doing pretty good, but without reading your first thread, seems like you are where I was months ago - knowing that I needed to do x, y & z, but still not truly detached. The co-dependent reading helped me a ton - to realize that I had centered much of my life and happiness around my wife and kids, and that I had never developed a healthy self-love and respect.

I also had trouble REALLY detaching, and, unfortunately only got there when we were quickly going down the D road. When reading some WAW threads, I think my W just could not heal from my controlling and co-dependent ways and fell out of love, and lost respect and attraction to me. Not sure about your W, but if I had these last 18 months to do over again, I would have detached sooner, given my W some needed space and started GALing earlier. She also mentioned to me that early in MC, I was completely smothering her, which pushed her further toward the D.

I never had an OM to contend with so I can't comment on that, but keep up your progress and re-read the co-dependence chapter on detaching. And do the GALing or any other 180's for you, to make you healthy, and more attractive. Don't do them for her or you will fall into the old trap. Did you read my quote from an author's interpretation of the "four degrees of love"?

Stay strong.

NM

[NewMe]

Oh, and thanks for the KICK! the other day.