Just a quick update, nothing too spectacular I don't think. H had an interview for a new job yesterday which he told me about when we last met. I wrote it in my diary when I got back to the office as I am rubbish at remembering things like that and sent him a text in the morning saying
'Good luck today. I'm sure you'll knock their socks off' I don't know if you have that expression across the pond, I'm not sure where it comes from but it is very encouraging He sent on back a few mins later saying 'Thanks!'.
I got a text this morning from him telling me his Grandpa died last night in his sleep and saying he was going up to his parents tomorrow. He must have only heard this morning. It was nice that he told me, although I'm not sure why. I will send him a text back to say how sorry I am to hear that. It is nice that he is starting to acknowledge that I played a part in his life again as it felt like everything had been wiped out before. On the other hand maybe it is because I started opening up to him again too about my family news. Ok, analysing now... stopping right now!
Good job with the text! (we do have the expression "knock their socks off" over here ) I'm sorry to hear about his grandpa, but I'm glad that he told you about it.
(((T, Lisa))) Thank you for stopping by I did get home ok thanks Lisa, I'm sorry I left early but I had an unfortunate experience with a cab driver the other day and I am now nervous about getting into the station too late!
I am trying to redefine my goals and I wondered if anyone could help me. My main goal is for h and I to meet up more regularly in a social setting rather than a business/ talking house setting. Basically to be friends!
So I have been evaluating what has worked.
- Me taking the white elephant out of the room (ow) - Me saying that I accept he has moved on - Me opening myself up more as a friend and telling him about family and stuff has worked, he responded by telling me about his. - Me involving him in my life more, i.e. telling him about the cat has made him take more interest and show concern for the cat and be helpful with sorting out the insurance. - Me making small non-pressurising gestures like the good luck text. - Me having more confidence in myself. - Not initiating too much and mainly just responding. - Not having my own expectations of how I would like things to go, playing opportunities out as they arise such as going for lunch the other week instead of forcing him to spend an evening with me.
I am wondering ho to break this down into small achievable goals and what I could try. Or is the best plan to just do nothing? I suppose I am wondering if it is still too early to try experimenting yet and he needs to feel happy about the dynamic between us at the moment. The negative person in me says is it pointless to do this while he is still fogged and in a r with ow? I.e - he is not going to see me socially without guilt that he is cheating on her.
So my quandaries are 1. Do I initiate a 'lets catch up meet up' and see what happens. Bearing in mind with the issue of the split of assets and form that needs to be filled in he could just want to meet to discuss that. Would it be best to get this out of the way first before experimenting. 2. Or I could wait until the next opportunity arises with regard to him initiating bearing in mind he has a lot going on with his Grandpa and job interviews and would probably just contact me about meeting with regard to the house. 3. Or do I be a supportive friend as I know he is going through a lot of stuff and maybe reach out with some kind of gesture to let him know I am here if he wants to talk. I don't know what that gesture would be. But I am confused as I am not his 'partner' anymore as he has rejected me as that so I am confused about how I could reach out without seeming needy/ pressurising.
I think I am liking three best at the moment and then move onto option 1 after we have sorted the dividing assets stuff in which case I am stuck doing number 2 for a while possibly combining it with no 3, which may invoke no 1. Argh, it's getting complicated!
Help dear friends, I cannot see the wood for the trees!
Firstly, I was pretty impressed he told you his Grandad had died, its a small thing, but like you say, why did he tell you?
Secondly, on a general note, looking back to this time last year, my sitch started to improve when we moved from texts to emails.. as yuo can say more in an email (althought they were still short between us). So I would say.. try and communicate through email not text, whenever you can from now on. Texts are so throwaway and I for one tend to spend far less time/energy writing a text message than an email.
I would follow up this news, with something about his Grandad, maybe next week... by email. I agree that offering "if you want someone to talk to" is perhaps a bit too much. Jody said to me, you can no longer assume exclusivity in an R with him.. in other words, he has other people to talk to now. You could tell him you were sorry to hear about his Grandad and you wondered how his Mum/Dad (which parent was it?) was coping and that youre thinking of him or something.
As for the forms... do they need filling in? Perhaps you coulkd add in your email, for him to let you know when is a good time to meet up to do that, but you'll understand if he needs a bit of time having had this sad news. I dont know, what do you thnk?
As for for your options, 1, 2 or 3...I guess I am saying 3.. and then sit back and let him come to you in his own time. As I am doing! But whar do other posters think???
On a separate nosey note.. what happened to the guy that sent you the Valentine stuff? And have you changed your mind about H, as last time you saw him you said something like you realised you dont miss him anymore, or fancy him?? I was amazed at that, but seeing as you are still DBing, seems you do still want to reconcile untlimately? Or do you just want to be friends, and thats all?
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I see what you mean about texts and emails but now I think we have a good combination of the two. That was so helpful about what you said about Jody (thank you!! ). You are right and I think that is why I was wondering. I suppose a friend would be there for another without expectation or be hurt and rejected if the offer wasn't taken up. I need to make sure I am in that place if I do extend.That is a really good idea about showing concern for his family as this was an issue for me at the end of the marriage as they were very interfering and I had started to resent them.
The forms... yes they are the next 'business' that we need to discuss. Hmmmm, it will be a difficult one!
With regard to DBing, yes I am - I prefer the me when I am DBing and it seems to work with h. Yes, I do seem to still care. I don't miss him on the whole (although that last meeting for some reason did affect me?!) and I don't fancy him but at the same time I still care. At the moment I don't want to be just friends but I think we have to go there for there to be more and I have worked way too hard to get to the stage we are to give up now. If we achieve friendship and it stays that way and I am happy with that then that is a great achievement.
Nothing has happened with the Valentine's guy... however I did go out again with the guy I went for a walk with. He took me out for a really expensive meal in London (next time he has promised Gordon Ramsey's!!) and cocktails and we had a nice time. At one point we even had an argument over evolution bizarrely but I think it seemed to make me more attractive to him that I could hold my own. It was very funny!
Hey ((Julia)), I was hoping a man would post their thoughts on your options. But I agree with Ali, to wait for him & to not mention the "if you want to talk".
I am currently reading an interesting book "The Men We Never Knew". Talks about how men stuff their feeling & have been taught to - to be a man. And when they do show feelings they are putting themselves out of their comfort zone & vulnerable to rejection. Don't know if it's true or not - cuz I'm not a man. But sounds believable. And my learning about men continues .....
Your date sounded very nice
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I'm sorry I left early but I had an unfortunate experience with a cab driver the other day and I am now nervous about getting into the station too late!
No worries at all. Can I ask what the unfortunate experience was? I'm imagining all sorts of terrible things and hope you were OK.
Originally Posted By: JCJ
My main goal is for h and I to meet up more regularly in a social setting rather than a business/ talking house setting. Basically to be friends!
I liked the list of what has been working, but I wondered, reading this, how you're evaluating what has been working. i.e. what are the baby steps you're looking for and what would the next signs of H moving into a friendship look like? For me it was H initiating e-mails and telling me about what he'd been up to, H feeling comfortable in my company for increasing periods of time, H being able to relax in my presence and laugh, me being able to hear about his life without feeling sad/upset/angry etc etc. Once you've defined what you're looking for it'll be much easier to concoct a plan and some things to try in addition to what you've been doing already.
Originally Posted By: Julia
Or is the best plan to just do nothing? I suppose I am wondering if it is still too early to try experimenting yet and he needs to feel happy about the dynamic between us at the moment. The negative person in me says is it pointless to do this while he is still fogged and in a r with ow? I.e - he is not going to see me socially without guilt that he is cheating on her.
I think firstly it's never to early to start experimenting . The key is to do it with no expectations and to give each experiment a fair go, IMHO. I know in DR MWD says to try things for 2 weeks at a time, but if you're S with little contact it seems to me that the period of trying the new behaviour needs to extend aswell.
In relation to guilt that he's cheating on OW, I think if it's clear that you're only interested in friendship as a goal he oughtn't to be worried about 'cheating' so to speak. You have to do the reverse job of the OW here and seem all friendly and non-threatening to him in the way that they do when they first sink their claws into their prey.
Of the potential options, I agree with Ali on option 3 sounding like the best, and agree that offering a listening ear if he needs to talk might be a bit too much. I wondered if one thing to do might be to send a sympathy card with a few memories of his Grandpa that you have written in there? I did that when H's Grandma died last year and I think he appreciated it. (I know it's a while since you posted this though so it might be late now).
Well, I did text him in the end just asking how he was. He sent a friendly one back.
I have been doing a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise!) and as I said to you Lisa when we last met, I have tried but I don't think I can be friends with him at the moment. It is too raw and painful and stops me letting go. That is not to say I won't be friend-ly but I need to let go and to do that I need to stop with the continual hope. I need to do this for me. I am ready to let go.
He sent on back a few mins later saying 'Thanks!'.
. The key is to do it with no expectations and to give each experiment a fair go, IMHO. I know in DR MWD says to try things for 2 weeks at a time, but if you're S with little contact it seems to me that the period of trying the new behaviour needs to extend aswell.