First, I totally relate to your comments about the WAS and our children. Regardless of the M status, the R"s between the kids and our spouses matter a lot to us. Though I think all you can do is encourage anything in the R direction, as you have, and not get in their way, you will still feel hurt by it when it isn't very good.
My feelings for H are DEEPLY affected by his Rs with our kids. D19 is still very hurt by him and he called to say he is "getting pissed" that she has not contacted him directly since she has been in a semester abroad program. I have forwarded some of her emails to him but for certain reasons, not all...(trust me on my reasons).
I validated that h felt hurt and shut out, (I was amazed at his amnesia b/c I said this would happen to their R about 40 times when h was full blown MLCing...and he could not hear me...but it IS as if he forgot those numerous talks..maybe he shut them all out??)
But then I "got real" and gently reminded him of how he got there and who did what, and who the parent is, i.e, the adult in the sitch, etc. It was tense as he was very defensive, VERY defensive and often lashes out when guilt pops up in him...But Eventually, I think he listened. He then called our s22 later in the evening to discuss the R with d19, and that is interesting b/c it means he's worried about the damage done and he wants allies. I think that's fine. Hope it means at least he's awakening. Similarly, Carrie is doing something new...the V-day card is very significant. I'm relieved she did it. And I hope she realizes it is on HER as the mother AND as the one who left that it is HER job to fix this. I'd pursue my son if we had a falling out and I'd drop my pride to do so unless he had really disrespected me. But when a parent leaves a child's life...of course it's on them to repair things.
Like Tawny, my d19 needs both parents. I have read that at this age, fathers are actually more important to girls b/c of what they represent. So in that sense, you may be better off than you realize. I know your daughter knows you love her. God, that matters. With d11, I hope and think he still has time to create enough memories together but so far, he's missed a chunk of what she knows as her childhood. How is your son doing with all this? And has Yakeline been around at all or has she kept to herself? Tough one Ian...
Our d19 said that "since h didn't want to be a part of my life...why should I want him in mine/or make an effort, don't even like him much...etc." and all i can say is OUCH...But I did tell her that h loves her, though he may be flawed (like all of us) and that he would kill or die for her in a heart beat. Just Like h loves our kids, Carrie does love your daughter.
But Ian, as a mom, I cannot imagine the guilt that I'd feel if I were Carrie or my h. Would not wish that on anyone...OMG...seriously. I won't defend their choices; but I can still feel pity. And I do. For all of them.
Okay, the other thing I wanted to pass on is what my d11 said tonight. She was talking about dating... She asked about how many guys she'd have to date before she meets the right one, and then she realized that at least in the "game of love" you "only have to pick ONE right person". I nodded and she said "it's the only game you can do over and over again 100 times, and if you get it right ONE time, then you WIN....game over".
Hmmm, fwiw, Wanted to pass that on to you....I hope they all end up alright. My dad was an educated, brilliant, highly functioning raging alcoholic for most of my growing up years and yet, we were close when I was really little and again in my late 20's. I cried hard when he died. So we don't know what Tawny will recover from Carrie someday, when she's a mom and Carrie is a grandmother, and time heals SOME wounds...
Last, just want to say that even if my M were to end tomorrow, if the only way I could have my 3 children was to go through this, ALL of it, I'd re-do it in a heartbeat. They're worth it. Don't know if that helps, but I wanted to say it "out loud"...
Still crossing my fingers for your job hunt...and what's this about California??? Yes yes you have children, tsk tsk....but we have SUNNY WEATHER HERE....geez, get your priorities straight.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016