Her argument will be that she has gone through this for over three years now and that she has taken her time. But I don't see it that way since A)as recently as last november she asked to reconcile and B)for the last three years she would threaten divorce and then back off and do nothing.
Also, I really, truly believe that her depression has a lot to do with how she feels. I have been through bouts of depression (outside of the M) and I know that it can warp even the way you remember the past. I think that she is constantly reminded of her state of mind and since I have been laid off a)our financial situation is worse than ever and b) I am constantly around.
I think a separation may do wonders if we truly separate.
However, tonight I was speaking to a friend of mine and he told me that she was on the other line with him. When I talked to him again, he said that he really didn't want to say everything she said, but he was pretty sure that she was just done and really wants it over with. He said that she feels bad about the timing (with me being laid off), but she just doesn't feel anything for me anymore and though it eats her up inside to even think about having to do it, she just can't go on living like this.
...so much for not wanting to tell me what she said...
This sent me over the deep end for a second, but I was able to get a grip. When she came home I asked her a couple of questions (non-invasive stuff) and she gave me real quick snipped answers. I had printed out the letter and was going to give it to her. Then I thought I would just read it to her. Then I thought that I was being an idiot and folded it and put it in my pocket. I went to Osco and bought cold medicine and she was asleep by the time I got home.
I didn't give her the letter because I think under current circumstances it would only lead to disaster. I think waiting until she comes back from Vegas is the best bet. Right now she's stressed and not in the best mood. She's talking to everyone about the D and she seems extremely bent on doing it. I think if I ask for a separation right now, she'll shoot it down immediately and might even get that divorce train rollin' again. I think if I give the meds a couple of weeks to get started, let her go on her trip without the extra burden of the separation, and give her a little bit of space, I stand a much better chance. Plus tonight I was upset, not to mention sick, so I'm sure the whole thing would have played out as a big convoluted mess.
Tomorrow I have to go drop off an application and by the time I get back, she'll have taken the kids to school. I'm planning on stopping by parents to work on a paper I'm doing for my teaching cert until the evening. On Thursday we have parent teacher conferences and I leave for my class directly from there. I wont be back until after 11 PM, so there's little to worry about there. Friday is my B-day, so I really don't think she'll whip out anything big then. Sat I have the Illinois Basic Skills Test for the first half of the day and Sundays I usually take the kids so she can finish her stuff for her class on Monday. So really that only leaves Tuesday and Wednesday to occupy my time with. On that thursday she leaves for Nevada and will be back on Saturday. I was thinking that I would give her the letter on Sunday and tell her we'll talk on Tuesday. If she agrees I will leave on Wednesday. If she does not, I'll stay here and do my best to DB from here. But it has gotten to the point that everything I try to do here she just views as me scrambling to fix the M. My thought (or at least hope) is that if I continue to come across as holding up and being strong through this, and continue to 180 while still giving her space, she can see the possibility that the changes I am making are truly changes and not just efforts to stop the divorce. Then when I present the separation to her, perhaps she will be more open to it. Wish me luck.
