Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Glam and BM!!!

Right now I am so very amazed and excited and scared and........Have gone back and forth with J via e-mail today. He's supposed to call tonight, but hasn't yet.......I don't want to post the e-mails here,...

I am feeling things that I have not felt in a very long time! {Even before the bomb with H} And it feels so good! But it is so scary too! And I don't know where all this is leading me....and I don't want to make a mistake! J has expressed so many beautiful things and seems to have become a very special man. He has been a single father for many years. He coached his daughter through Fast Pitch Softball from 8yrs to 14, and also coach Junior High Girls volleybal for 6th, 7th & 8th grades as well. He sent me a picture of him and his daughter on her 18th birthday. She's a beautiful girl! (I told him we would have to keep my S17 away from her!)

I don't believe he expresses the things he has said lightly, and I would die if I ended up hurting him. I know he doesn't even know me now, and I know I could never live up to his memories/fantasies, but I have been honest in telling him that, and he just doesn't care. Says he has no doubt I am still beautiful! But, the reality is I am a woman that sleeps with a c-pap machine for sleep apnea (so attractive to snuggle up to someone with an alien strapped to her head!!), and I have stretch marks like a freakin' zebra on my lower stomach from my first pregnancy when D24 dropped so quickly before she was born. And I have lost 50 lbs in the past year, but still have 50 more to drop to be happy with where I am, and even that will never be less than "pleasingly plump". I have medication I take that without it, I have to go to the bathroom like every 15 minutes! I have another medication I take for panic attacks, and even then I can still get "wiggy" under stress (and there are some sexual side effects of these meds that I don't need to go into.....) and I have a kid that can't seem to stop making poor decisions.

I told J that he has a very rude awakening coming. But, he still wants to see me. He has property in Oregon and said he could come up to meet with me and have lunch! (His property is a good 8 hours away.....that's a long way to drive for "lunch"). I told him that S17 and I are driving down there the end of March to pick up stuff from my MIL's house. J got so excited, you'd I offered him the moon....

I know I am WAY overthinking this. We could meet and he would see that I am by no means he fantasy woman.....and we could laugh and have a great time talking about old times and catching up, and that could be the end of it. But my mind is spinning with "what ifs"!!.....

One thing I do feel is that I need to follow this and see where it goes. I think that if I didn't I would always wonder......

Even my MIL has told me to move on.....