Why do I get sucked in to these things. I honestly can't see it. I know, believe me I know it might never happen. And I know I need to do it for me. Not her. It is so hard.
Yesterday. I get a text where's this?? It as something I was supposed to to find for her so I had to reply. She said thanks. Then she text me if she brought a tire home from her work if I can look at it. And that she bought me 2 pair of pants. The pants were cause earlier in the week I told her I need some and have no money. Was not expecting that. I told her yes 2 the tire and thnks for text pants.
Then she text me about a house we were supposed to go look at. Twice. I ignored her. Then she called. Still ignored her. Delt with it when I got home.
Today we went and looked at the house. Have not liked the houses we were looking at so we decided to try and save our house. And stay. I thought there was no saving it.
After getting home she had to go to the store. While she was out she saw our son and they decided to have breakfast. She text me and I did not answer. I did not know she text me. So she called. I accepted even though I should not have.
So at home there was more talk about the house which turned into "are you going to be ok with us living together. I told her not a problem. I see no reason why we can't live together and get along. I told her I know where she stands and she knows where I stand. (I want to work on the M and she does not.)
she says we need to move ahead with this and told me the D will be filed by the end of the month.
I don't get it, she seems so sure that she will never want this M to work. So sure it's over. Is she sure?? Is there any possibility she has even considered it in the last 2 months??
Does she see the changes and not trust them or ? Does she not believe me? I don't get it.
You are being tested noedphi, think of it that way and think of it to yourself, don't ask her if she is testing you.
Every action she does positively or negatively against you is a test, conscious or subconscious. Spellfire (god bless you buddy) told me to act like a strong wall, weather the storms because there will be quite a few of them and view all of these things as tests. Show her you are strong regardless of what happens - believe that you are strong because you are and you can handle anything that comes your way.
Stop making excuses like I can't do this because i have no money, worked too many hours, don't have this, don't have access to that. Find a way. I don't care how long it takes or what it requires, just find a way. Seriously if you need something to occupy your spare time with, find a part-time job doing something, or volunteer your time somewhere, just do something and continue being strong throughout all of this.
She started the D paperwork today. And although I did not get upset or anything. I did not do well. I did everything wrong. A lot of R talk. You name it I did it wrong. Oh well. At least I did not try and convince or beg or anything stupid. I just got some clarifications to why and how long. ya ya ya I know. no need to tell me. I should have known. I felt like crap all day. So I lost all hope right now. nothing left but to GAL.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
The same feelings of devistation keep coming back. It is hard to get them to go away. I guess that is why I have not REALLY started DBing. After our talk last night she realy made me feel there is no chance for the M right now. I know god works in mysterious ways. I am trying my hardest to just give it to god. I hope I am almost there. My heart is not hurting as bad right now. Once I get there I will be able to work in myself. Please pray for me. I will get to where I need to be one way or another.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
So at home there was more talk about the house which turned into "are you going to be ok with us living together. I told her not a problem. I see no reason why we can't live together and get along. I told her I know where she stands and she knows where I stand. (I want to work on the M and she does not.)
I wouldn't have said, "no problem". I just get this sense that you are playing Mr. Good guy. Know what? It's okay to not like this. It's okay to not want to live as a roommate with your wife. It's okay to say, "It's okay temporarily, but I don't want to live as roommates for very long. So hopefully you have somewhere else you can stay soon."
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The same feelings of devistation keep coming back. It is hard to get them to go away.
Ask yourself why so much devastation. I get it...she wants to divorce you. Was the marriage so wonderful that there are no benefits to you being free from it? My experience with marriage is that it's not necessarily the greatest thing ever. And my experience with post-divorced life is it was neither the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. There's bonuses to being your own man. Look ahead. What does life as a single guy hold for you? It doesn't have to be about finding a rapid replacement for you wife...but life, even single and not looking, can be nice. Sure, you'd like to share it with her, but that isn't your decision, it's hers. She's choosing to walk away from it. Who knows if she'll regret it. But you don't have to curl up and die. You can enjoy life. You can do things that she probably stood in the way of you doing. Let your hair down. Enjoy this time.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
noedphi, I've been a way from the forums for a bit, I've been busy, very busy lately. Sometimes you need a break and yet life keeps throwing things at you and gives you no rest.
I hear it in your posts, you are devastated, losing all hope, your wife is determined to get a divorce, etc. And at the same time, picking up a new place, sharing a home, etc. It's all very confusing and contributes to a big old bowl of $hit soup which doesn't taste very good.
I went through it all, the praying to god for my wife to change her mind, the sadness, depression, crying to myself, shrinking away in some hidden corner, hoping for these feelings to end and hoping for some release from all this pain and these horrible feelings.
It doesn't feel like it but it does get better.
Regardless of what happens between you & your wife, it will get better.
Big deal, she filed for divorce, it's not instantaneous, that process will take a while (depends on where you live). Plus filing for divorce and living together will pose it's own set of problems for your wife - it will not be an easy road for her. You don't have to help her with any of this, you need to start focusing on yourself and your needs and meeting those needs yourself and not requiring anyone else to fulfill those things for you. It's when you really start doing this, that things will change for the better.
We've said it a few times already, DETACH. Let go. Let go of the need to keep her. Let go of the need for her to love you and for you to love her. Love yourself and be satisfied with that.
It sucks and it's bloody hard to do all of this, probably the hardest thing you've ever had to go through in your life - it's your choice now: sink or swim. Are you going to let someone else's actions determine the quality of your life. Are you a prisoner? Are you disposable, do you feel like something that has been used & thrown away? Stop feeling like that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself (it's very unattractive), stop pursuing, stop talking, stop being anything except the best person for yourself and not for your wife.
You sound very sad in your posts and you are probably very transparent when it comes to your wife, very sad, depressed, wallowing in self-pity and if your coming across as all these things she may be thinking in her head "I was right to end this, he isn't the strong person that I need in my life. He isn't attractive this way", all the while during this process she continues to push you away because you continue to pull her in consciously and subconsciously... let go of that rope, think of that tug of war analogy, let go of the rope and don't be afraid to let go.
It will get better, I promise it will, you just have to have faith and start believing in your ability to get through this.
She started the D paperwork today. And although I did not get upset or anything. I did not do well. I did everything wrong. A lot of R talk. You name it I did it wrong. Oh well. At least I did not try and convince or beg or anything stupid. I just got some clarifications to why and how long. ya ya ya I know. no need to tell me. I should have known. I felt like crap all day. So I lost all hope right now. nothing left but to GAL.
[[[[noedphi]]]] I'm with you, totally. Our sitch's are a little different, but it seems like we have the same feelings towards our s's. I don't get much from my H when I ask any questions, even if it's just to get clarification. Just last night, after he told me he wanted shared custody, he asked me if I had any questions or if there was anything I needed to talk about. I just responded "no, you can't seem to give me answers to my questions so I'm not going to keep asking". Then he just got up and left. Unfortunately we have gotten to a point where it is all business and there is not an ounce of caring or friendliness in any exchange. I think we are just both hurting to much to show any sign of love or caring. IDK.
Just trust that God will get you through this and you will be even stronger for it. I know that's all I can do at times, so that is the best advice I can give.
Me36 H35 T18/M12 S10/D8 Speech 11/08 Sep:11/08 Poss EA 6/08 H filed D Papers 2/13/09 My Story
I felt much better today. Listened to a surmon on the way to work. About half way to work I was out of the funk. I gave it to god. Feel good now. Taking her off the joint account. Starting to take care of my own finances. Sucks that I still need her help financialy. Only asking for $$ when I utterly have to. Letting her have the master bedroom without a fight. I will be ok. Heck I will be better than ok.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
You know what probably does not help. My wife is about 6 months away from getting her masters degree in phsycology. And she has all her classmates to talk to about this. I know it does not matter. Still working on myself. But I just wanted to vent a little.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
