I started dating my wife back in 8th grade (13) for me and 7th grade (12) for her and have really been with each other ever since. We broke up a couple of times in Jr High but stayed together all through High School and College, and then once we graduated in 1995 we got married that summer at 23/22 years old. We had a great love and since we grew up together and knew everything about one another we never had that courtship or falling in love as adults. I guess that can be viewed in two ways, I tend to look at it positively, but I can see the negative as well.
We had our first child 3 years later and then our last child 3 years after that. All of our friends and family thought we had the perfect marriage. I have/had a terrible temper through the years and I would say terrible things to her out of anger but was never, ever physical, but the things I would say were not good. I also took her for granted thinking she would always be there and really just looked at things on the surface and not deep as I should have. Through the years, especially now that I think back, the last 4 years, she would always tell me that I don't know what I am doing to her after a fight and me being emotionally absent or mean but I didn't listen and I guess I would attribute that to heat of the moment and her saying things out of madness same as me. Boy how I wish I would have listened.
I mentioned 4 years ago because she said that she really saw a change in me since that time and that was when I lost my mother to cancer. I think I really withdrew even more once she died. W now tells me that every time I would be mean or emotionally absent she would convince herself that she didn't need to be hurt and that she didn't need those things that I was not providing because I was good to her most of the time and was a great father, ect. I guess over time she really did shut down her feelings for me.
Another major issue we have is she is from a very wealthy close knit, really enmeshed family. I work for the company business and we they know EVERYTHING about our lives and hold money over our head to get us to do what they want. We have to baby my mother-in-law and tell them everything we do. My wife is SO RESENTFUL of this and feels trapped by them and held hostage by them. We have been blessed financially and not had to really set goals as a couple to get things in life that most couples do and I really believe that has been a big detriment to our family and relationship.
We had a 22 yo kid come into our lives as a babysitter from my kid's school. He became very close to the kids, me, my wife and did everything with us. We took him under our wing and I was trying to be a friend and sudo father figure to him and teach him things. Not realizing that W and I were having problems because I was living on the surface and really emotionally absent I allowed this guy into our lives and my W started having an EA. To make matters worse, we gave the guy a job at our business. I finally started noticing things back in 5/08 and confronted W and she would always deny and I would back off believing her and not wanting to ruin her friendship and MY friendship. Little things would keep popping up and I would get mad and confront and she would back me down. I did this maybe 4 times before 10/08 and that is when I said no more having him around. Her sister also confronted her about him and she denied it to her as well and said that I knew they were friends and never suspected anything (which was a lie) and I was ok with him being around. After I ended it, she became more and more absent to me and finally on 11/22/08 we ML for the last time after always being together at least 2-3x per week. Wow that has been a big blow to me - 13 weeks and counting
She told me on 11/29/08 that things were not working out and she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. Things got progressively worse and boiled over in Colorado on vacation in Jan. Once back home she was totally distant, didn't talk and was making life miserable. I wasn't helping either by being mad, confused, ect. In Jan, OM took my car to another city since it was a company car and I took his truck for the weekend. I searched the truck and found 3 love cards W wrote him and I flipped out. I finally started looking at phone records and saw she was still texting him almost 1000x in one month over jan-feb. Once I saw that and the texts I confronted him in my office and told him to stay away from my wife and family and never call or text her anymore. Told him that I have the cards and know what was going on. They both deny any physical involvement and at times I believe it and other times I think it is bs. After that she made me move out of the house. After confronting OM, my father-in-law was very mad at me for doing this and sister too. She called me and asked why and I said it was because they had been texting 1000 times in one month. Big Mistake. Her parents find out and they come crashing down on her and take everything away from her monetarily and pretty much cant stand her for EA.
Once this crashed down on her she comes back to me and of course I am there and run right back home thinking this is the breakthrough that I have been hoping and praying for. This lasted all of three days and then she went right back to distance, not wearing wedding ring, telling me she doesn't know and too much has happened for us to be together. She loves me just doesn't have romantic feelings anymore for me.
Now today, we had another major setback and I blew up and said I can't live in this lifeless home anymore and left. I now wish that I would not have done this. I don't think she will let me back now since we are back to where we were before the crash with her parents over the EA. She now knows that I let them in on the information and she feels betrayed by me, which is ironic because of what she did, but I do know that I should have never let that out.
I just bought the DB book online after reading alot of posts on here and want to implement the necessary changes in my life to win her back. I know that I rambled on during my story and I am sure that I left a lot out, but I truly love her and have received my wakeup call and am ready and willing to do anything to make our marriage work. I have made God #1 in my life again because I was neglecting him as well. I am losing weight (30#) already and working on more.
I just need advice and support on how to handle things from here on out. All help is definitely appreciated!!!!
