Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

I screwed up tonight. 3 weeks without any fighting and I had to start something. D8 had a little hissy fit at bedtime. I was going back to deal with it and I stopped at W's room to ask her opinion on how to handle it. She basically said deal with it yourself and so I left and went to handle it. I left D8 in her room and read to D6 instead of both of them as a consequence for her disrespect and helling at me. So as I was reading to D6 W comes back and goes into D8's room and starts disciplining her and interfering with what I had been doing. After I finished with D6 I went to talk to D8 and talked about the consequence for her bad behavior bla bla bla and did exactly what I had planned to do and put her to bed.

So then I went to W room and asked her if she agreed that we should cancel the MC appointment on Monday morning. She said Yes. I said I thought it wasn't helpful and that W didn't ever have any issue to bring up I didn't know why we should go. And she agreed and I left. So this is where I got stupid. I knew that I should wait until the next day to talk to W about the D8 incident but she had seemed so amicable when I had just been in there I thought maybe it wasn't a bad time to talk to her.

So I went in and asked said that something to the effect of I would appreciate it if you would let me deal with them on my own when I am trying to discipline them. She of course got defensive about all the reasons she should have done it and she didn't know I was disciplining her bla bla bla. I started to walk out and then she made some snide comment and I turned around and said something like just once it would be nice if you could just hear me out. She said that that's all she does lately is hear me out. I said when was the last time you heard me out. She didn't say anything and I said, Yeah you can't find an example because there isn't one. She made a snide comment and I said and when was the last time I even talked to you. and walked out.

I feel like I have just undone all the good I might have done in the past few weeks. I am feeling so hopeless right now. I have such a hard time keeping a PMA already and when I see her like tonight where she seems like she hates me so much it makes me so sad and hopeless.

I don't know how to get through the next few months. It is supposed to take at least that long for her anger towards me to start to go away but how do I not think constantly about the worst case and her never getting over her anger. It makes me so afraid and then I want to do stupid things like go and ask her to take me back and try again, and I won't, but I want to all the time. And then I get angry because it hurts to much and I am so sick of hurting, it makes me want to give up but then I can't even imagine how to do that either.

I am such a mess tonight. Luckily I go to the my C tomorrow morning and can get some meds and maybe get this rollercoaster to slow down.

I'm still very glad to be able to write this all here and not take it out on her or do something even more stupid.