I think your draft addresses the issues, I would soften some of the wording per DBing. But what is your goal? These statements should reflect a consistent message. You want to know if she is closer to a decision to either work on the marriage or end it.
If you want her back then tell her what you want, don't be defensive about why or what or how. A simple, this is what I want should do.
you also need to be certain that you will either wait or not wait. NO explanation needed. She left you, you are generous and loving enough, mature enough to work through her betrayal and the problems that led up to it.
Don't leave anything unclear - if you know what you want - put it out there, if you are still trying to figure it out - wait until you are certain. I personally think you are trying to control her into coming back and I know that is what you want to see happen, but you don't want it this way. This is where the honesty comes to play, do you want her back or not? Don't play games. If she isn't ready, and you do want her back, you have to wait. If you don't want her back, let her go. Keep it simple.
