I promise to write personal responses soon, to all of your thoughtful observations and questions.
Basically things have been going really well with me, I've been working really hard getting ready for this audition, and also really looking into my heart and getting excited about some new dreams and adventures I would like to have. also some really awesome things have been happening in my yoga practice, some things are opening up in my body, that I find really exciting.
As for my sitch, last week B included me in a mass email about his upcoming performances with his quartet in Los Angeles. I called B last thursday (the 19th) and left a voicemail along the lines of, "hey, I'm just calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I'd love to talk more about your recording sometime. I saw the email, it looks great [there was a bunch of fancy graphic design], the photos look great [there was some new photographs, probably from the shoot he told me about], the program looks really interesting, I'd love to hear it sometime, I hope you have a great time in LA if you're not there already. I don't know if you got my text asking for help with my resume, but I already sent it in, so you don't need to worry about that, it's all taken care of. give me a call when it's a good time for you."
Today after I got out of yoga class I got a voicemail from him, sounding sort of... cold and fake, "Hey, it's B, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I'm in LA right now with the quartet. It's great, I've been working to make this trip happen for almost a year, and now it's happening, it's beautiful here, the quartet loves it here, they want to move here, I'll be back this weekend, give me a call ..."
WTF?????? Now he is moving to California? i feel... sickened, disgusted. How will I ever see this man?
Recently I've been thinking: wow, I really need to focus on my own journey, my own happiness, my own dreams and evolution. Not in a superficial way, but in the deepest, truest way possible.
And I am so thrown by this. I don't understand. I hate his quartet, I hate that he is making decisions with them and not me! I mean obviously he is not including me in his plans because we are NOT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW, but...It reminds me of all the other times when he excluded me from his plans.... I don't get it.
I'm trying to talk myself down: this decision isn't even final, he said it lightly, it might never actually happen, this decision has nothing to do with you, if he is willing to relocate to CA on a whim he is probably single, blah blah blah blah blah, but I still feel really angry and hurt and discouraged.
I was able to talk on the phone to one of my RL friends who I feel like I can talk to about this stuff, and she said, the distance between you and B has nothing to do with miles, it has to do with where you are at emotionally. So this move, if it ever happens, won't actually make you any farther apart than you already are.
I'm definitely waiting until after my audition is over to talk to him.... does he realize that I care where he is? does he mention it in a voicemail so he doesn't have to hear me react? belughdkjfk.... I am so sick of this. I just want to be happy.
