Unfortunately today was as bad as yesterday -- in one way worse.
Perhaps counseling for both of my S's might be in order. (Thanks for the suggestion, Cat.)
I have to clarify that S8's behavior yesterday (and today) is bad enough, but that it was done so openly and publicly, before teachers and staff -- and can thus be brought up in court. And given all the glowing praise given to STBXW by the teachers for last week, these two days stand in such stark contrast.
S8 is handing to STBXW on a silver platter her entire case to have me relegated to the same marginalized role as those so-called fathers who don't even want to be involved in their children's lives.
The pity is that we had such a great start this weekend (my week of custody began Friday evening.) So S8 has had time to adjust to the transition before the start of school this week. Moreover, even though I have now had to hold the video games at bay, especially on a "school night". STBXW can claim she hasn't had to restrict the gameplay while still managing to get S8 to perform well.
No, all these points may be just circumstantial in nature, but added altogether it only points out that I am a lousy parent at worst and one my children just do not really respect at the very least, certainly not like their mother, it would appear. If I were a judge looking at this impartially, even I would have to come to the same conclusion.
To cap it all off, my S4 had a complete conniption fit and melt-down when I dropped S8 off at the wicked MIL's before school. S4 did not want to go to preschool if it meant being apart from S8 and he would have rather gone to stand with S8 at the bus stop for the 15 minutes it would take and then go back to be with his "grandmother" the rest of the day than go with me to take him to preschool. He had such a crying fit that STBXW came out to my car (I couldn't leave until I got S4 back into his seatbelt and settled down, which he was resisting) and tried to act like Super-Mom and get him to calm down. Eventually S4 did settle down after we both tried to convince him it was for just one more day. All the while I was feeling so much resentment towards STBXW for putting all of us in this frakking situation. I was deeply hurt because S4 was saying he didn't want to go anywhere with me ever again, and he said he'd rather stay with the evil MIL.
And once I pulled into the Preschool parking lot, S4 started bawling again, and so I had to try to soothe him yet again. The good news is that I managed to coax him inside and to get him settled, and at the end of the day he had forgotten all about his desire to forego Daddy and the preschool.
S8 however has another bad day, acting up and not completing his assignments. Even though he knows the score and how dire the situation obviously is, he still allowed his unruly nature get the better of himself.
I know both of my S's love me. But unfortunately I fear they don't really respect me, and their actions bear this out. This is the respect a husband or father must command to be able to properly lead my children. I blame STBXW for this as she has denied me due respect for many years now, especially with her wanton lack of faithfulness. And her continual parading of OM before my S's only reminds them of my weakened position in their eyes.
I am trying to return to an even keel with this. I am learning to not let this affect me so much. If my sons decide to ignore my counsel or allow their more wild natures get the better of them despite my instructions not to, then I will have to resign myself to the cold, hard fact that they will be removing themselves from the regular influence of a loving, conscientious and devoted father. I really cannot help if they prefer their mother (as bent and wicked as she has turned out) to me. I expect that even, knowing how boys are. I can merely love them just the same, no matter what. And if that is not enough to save our R with each other, then I can say that I have done the best I can.
