No, I can't talk to her like old times. It's weird, but it just doesn't flow like that anymore. I know what you mean about letting her go and seeing if she comes back, but I'm having a hard time with it. I'm really beginning to think that my original plan of separating is probably the best course of action. I'm at the end of my rope, so to speak, and I personally don't know how much more I can take. Although I love her very much, and I want nothing more than to be a family again, this is really starting to wear down on me. Where I once was sad about the situation, I'm starting to feel despair. I really wish I could just see one glimmer of hope, one tiny thing that tells me that I have a chance. For awhile there I thought that I did, but now I feel as though I don't. I feel helpless because I have no say in this. I mean, regardless of what I do or don't do, there's the possibility that she truly has checked out and there is nothing that can sway her. Yet, if I give up now, I'll never forgive myself for not trying everything I can.
What I don't understand is that she feels bad about divorcing me, worries about what it will do to the kids, worries about what it will do to me, knows that by divorcing she sets both of us back financially for a long time, and yet she still sees it as the best thing to do. I don't even know how to approach that. There is no benefit to the divorce that I can see, yet there are several potential disasters. But it isn't that she doesn't realize these disasters, she'd rather brave them than be married to me.
I don't think that there is anyone else. I have never been violent with her or the kids. I have never placed anyone in danger. I was not mean-spirited or harsh with her. I'm not saying that I was perfect. I'm scatterbrained and because of that I can be unreliable. It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't think. I got so wrapped up in my own personal crap that I starved her emotionally and let her down. Yet, even so, I can't imagine how that warrants going through the pain of divorce, when those things can be (and are being) changed. I have done a lot of soul-searching, and I know what I need to change. But I still think that for everything we have gone through, to end it doesn't solve anything. Through the kids our relationship cannot end, and every reason she sees to end the marriage will still be there, and more than likely will be worse.
Sorry for being so glum. It's been a long and terrible day for me. Plus I have a wicked cold and feel like my head is full of cement, which I'm sure isn't helpful.
