WAH2

[Sara]

Sorry, Kassie. I assumed that the kids were both of yours. I didn't realize you had a short and troubled relationship. That is a different story.

[silvagod]

Kass,

Your sitch always makes me think more than anyone elses. It's not that it's any more complicated, it's just that I don't want to say the wrong thing...so...

Thanks for letting us know about the Honeymoon, I'm sad for you that happened, but it certainly gives us a more balanced view of exactly where you are. (always difficult on a public board)

You are right about H bailing if comfort is provided and I think I have said that before. He needs to be in an uncomfortable place to be able to find the desire to get out of it. It's a shame that you have to put yourself through the wringer as well, but that's what we do for our loved ones.

He still needs more time, he will buck and kick more yet, the longer it goes on, the worse he will feel, UNTIL he gets to a point where he can see what he WAS like and what he HAS done. Then the screaming will stop. It may be a long time though and I pray that he doesn't give up before he gets there. Relapse is a comfy chair in a crowded room, but he needs to remain standing however much his legs ache. Don't let him lean on you though.

Your NC is having an effect, that's for sure. From here, it looks to be working. If it wasn't then there would be either a stony silence or a drunkard at your door.

You have 2 choices in reality, I think you know the one you want to take...give it more time. That may NOT be the right one in the long run, but right now, it is. So stick with it until it feels SO wrong that you have to run. Then you can reflect and decide how fast you run.

Take Care Kass, and keep your dancing shoes handy

[Tawnya]

{{{Kassie}}} You were very brave to put that out there on the board and, trust me, it always feels better to do that afterwards.

You get nothing but support and understanding from me. See..to be honest..my hub and I were very similar. We had fought good gosh..sooooo much in our 21 year relationship that I couldn't even begin to imagine to try to tell you. The week before we were married we fought to the point that I wasn't sure we would get married and I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't fight on our honeymoon too. So I understand where you are coming from on that one..and it is not a pretty place esp after 21 years of it!

I agree with what everyone says about you doing what you feel you need to, and it IS so tough when you WANT the marriage to work and YOU, Kassie, are doing all that you can and probably doing him a HUGE favor with this "tough love", letting him stand on his own 2 feet and hope he doesn't fall..

{{{{Kassie}}}} I will try to adjust my bat signal so I hear your postings before I go to bed LOLOL..seriously..keep posting, keep venting, keep journaling..keep DOING..you are doing GREAT and are much stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Tawnya

[kassie]

{{{Silva}}},

Thanks for the balanced response - I know that everyone wants to say or has said to "get the hell out of dodge". I appreciate the attempt to talk to me where I am at. I appreciate you being you and being there for me.

{{{T}}}

I appreciate your support more than you know but you don't have to go out of your way. I have been sitting on many thoughts, memories and emotions here on the board as I am sure others are doing. I journal a lot on my own, but the difference here is that I actually get someone talking back to me, validating me, and letting me know that I someone is listening.

[JCJ]

Hey Kassie

I know this is really hard and you are facing lots of challenges. Sorry if I was a bit direct, it is my way of helping you I always figure that I have enough people around me in real life who validate and express opinions on my situation etc, the thing I have learnt here is that my feelings aren't always right. I'm not saying you are wrong, but I just wanted to present a different way for you to achieve your goals.

I'm neither going to tell you to give up or continue, that is up to you. A big part of you obviously still wants this or you wouldn't be here trying, I just really want to help you get there. Likewise if you decide you're done I will support you with that decision.

Have you thought about keeping a solutions journal? Noting down when something works and what factors helped you achieve it. It can be quite satisfying and can help you do more of what works and less of what doesn't. I think you need to try some new approaches as at the moment the two of you are still butting heads. What can you do in these interactions to make them different?

[Ready2Change]

Hey Sweetie! I have been MIA GAL and have not been on the boards. I got your post. Thanks for stopping by. I hope others have answered your questions. What can I do for you now?

HUGS

[kassie]

Ready2change,

I am struggling with doing the right thing. It's an old concept and one that I feel people don't respect these days. My sitch is tough and it isn't easy to do the right thing and most people don't support me with it really. How do I know the difference?

[kassie]

Today I heard a message from my H, following yesterday's request to meet up and talk. He actually said, I don't feel we solved anything and I would like to remedy that. That was a first. I feel guilt because i didn't want to talk to him. Today's message, sorry I think I should take back my offer to talk unless you have anything new to say, because I realized I don't and there isn't any point to going in circles. I am open to talk if you want.

I was sooooo relieved. I wanted to kiss him for letting me off the guilty hook. (but I didn't) When I saw him, I told him that I agreed with cancelling for the reasons stated. I appreciated the intent, but we are in different places. He then tried to go into so many things and I just kept politely saying I am sorry you feel that way, I hate to cut you off but, etc.

He first wanted me to know he had his ring back on. Said he didn't know why - I tried not to LOL believe it or not. I decided last week to get off that roller coaster and just do what I needed to do and let go of his actions - including choosing not to be hurt by them. Then he said that it was sad that we didn't have anything new to say to each other. I agreed. Next, now prepare yourselves for this one - he says that initially the separation was a good idea after all because it got him into tx. but he feels that prolonging the distance is hurting the R. He thinks we shouldn't do dark anymore (my words not his) I said I was sorry he felt that way. He went on to say that if it continues the R will be broken entirely and if that is how I feel then we should end it now - NOT that he wants to do that.
I said (with all my restraint) we have different viewpoints on this one and I am sorry you see things that way.
He tried to go on about loving me and wanting to be together and how much he realizes he hurt me - but... (it is always there)

Thank God I was being paged at this point so I had a reason to say I have to go.

I thought briefly about what he said walking away - again with the threats to leave - and enough of my reacting to it. I was ok either way. It didn't bother me until I got home tomight.

S is having problems and I had to talk to my exh - at one point I broke down with him about being alone, worrying about finances, and retirement etc. He said he thought my H was supporting me - I told hell NO. Then he said Oh, none of my business I didn't know you two were really apart. Sorry. For the first time in a long while he reassured me that S would be ok and figure things out - I didn't need to worry. Another first.
Not that exh was much better than this one.

I guess I am detaching, facing reality, feeling that we really didn't have anything to build on - he didn't really do anything for me - I have really looked at that fact today and don't like it.

[kassie]

{{{JCJ}}}

I really do appreciate your efforts. I will have to think about what you said, today I really can't work on it.

[pearlharbr]

kassie,

I understand your struggle with wanting to do the right thing and hang in there v. perhaps realizing that this M is not what is best for you. This is not an easy decision to make and also not one you need to make right away.

For what it's worth, my xBF said the same thing about how us not talking (me being dim when living together) was just pushing us further apart. And yet two months later he has realized that he was blowing things out of proportion and not seeing the good parts of our R. So to me it is obvious that going dim/dark has done him some good.

You know your H best and if you feel that he/you are not ready to work on the R due to his personal issues then thumbs up for sticking to your guns.