Life after exposure

[Still Waters]

Time for a new thread from me since I've entered a new phase since my first "Exposing an EA" thread.

A quick rundown of where I am:

I found proof my W's EA/PA a little over a week ago (cell phone records) and confronted her the very next day. She admitted to the A, said that it was over, and broke down weeping. I told her that while my trust in her was damaged, I could forgive her and I did have the strength to work on rebuilding that trust and our M. My W said that she was too weak and felt too powerless to work on the M and she wanted time and space to heal.

The last email she sent me (a few days after I confronted her) said that her goal right now is "to take the steps necessary to heal, try to find a way to forgive myself, find out who I am, and become a better person." She said that she feels endless pain for hurting me and that she's filled with regret. There was also lots of talk about how bad I've been hurt (even though I've handled it way better than she has) and how one day she hopes I can forgive her. Of course I already told her that I could forgive her, but she doesn't believe me.

My W said that's she's filled with "self-hatred, guilt, and shame," she called herself "a coward, a fraud, selfish, and a fool," and she said that I was the victim of her acting out due to problems in her life (some having to due with me and our M, and some unrelated) that she was unable to handle.

And that's where I am now. My W and I are still separated, and my W says she's working to try and heal herself from the A. Do I believe her? Not really. She hasn't done anything to try to rebuild my trust in her, so her words are hard to accept right now. Her inability to commit to working on the M is the biggest red flag for me, as is her continued request for "space." Last time she asked for space she used that space to have her A free from me. So what am I supposed to expect she's doing now? Sure, her words show remorse (mixed with her playing the victim), but what about her actions?

On the plus side, her sisters know about the A now and they have been talking to my W. They are good people and hopefully they're having a positive influence on my W.

And what about me? Well, I've been doing the same thing I've been doing for the past few months. Working on myself. Going to the gym 5-6 days a week, hanging out with friends as much as possible, working hard, and doing lots and lots of reading.

I told my W that I am here and I am ready, willing, and able to work on our M. I told her that while the road ahead of us won't be easy, that I do see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. The question is, can we reach it? I told her that there are no guarantees, but we'll never know unless we try. And regardless of the ultimate outcome, the journey on that road will, at the very least, make us both stronger and wiser people.

All that was over a week ago, and I haven't heard a peep back from my W since. Which I expected since I basically left things with a "come to me when you're ready to work" message, but I also let her know that while I am patient and strong, every day that goes by I lose a little bit of that patience.

All I want is for her to give our M an honest second chance with no outside influences affecting our chances. But even that's too much for her right now.

So I struggle with how dark should I be right now. As is, I'm pitch black.