I have been remiss in posting over here - my own dark is going incredibly well. W still drops little fluffy texts - I did respond to one text, but just to pass along something for my dad.
I am now at about 23 days or so - so far I have initiated conversations probably 2-3 times ALWAYS for the kids.
I am now going darks' biggest cheerleader. It has done wonders for me, and a beautiful benefit is that it has bugged the CRAP out of W.
Best of all, I have gotten to the point where I don't CARE if W is bugged or not - it simply is a side benefit, really.
I have my moments - I still do miss here, and am sad about the things my kids are going through.
But it's starting to kind of look like I'm looking back at something at a distance.
Quick note to Kassie - hang tough, keep dark. It was almost unbearably hard for me initially. Tawnya can tell you about a couple of horrible days I went through, but man, it is a cleansing fire that makes you tough!
I'm certainly not out of the woods - but this going dark process has been AMAZING!
In my case, it has focused me on healing. There has been virtually NO contact now since early Jan. I really have got to a point where I don't care either.
It's a sad situation, but I can also look back on it from a distance. I have no concerns over what W is doing, thinking or feeling about me or my future. I am in total control for the 1st time in many many years and it's truly liberating.
I used to worry about W, if she was missing me, if she was OK, where she was and what she was doing. Now I know that my 2 boys will let me know if there is a serious problem. If not, then I don't WANT to know anything about her life. She chose to leave, so she can do without my concern.
Last time I talked to MIL, she asked me how I was and I said great!. She was quite surprised.
Hey..on day 10 for me today..woot..I actually had stopped counting and had to think when I read you guys' notes above..funny how I really thought being dark would be much tougher on me than it really is..I am SO glad not to be in the drama of it all honestly..I dunno what that says about me that I'm NOT more upset about it.
I felt more like "what is my hub doing/is he thinking about me/etc" while he was still living here and us really not talking than I do now. I think I feel like he got what he wanted and really did me a favor (as Silva said on someone's thread earlier today) that I didn't even KNOW I needed..
JD and Silva..you 2 sound, as always, like you are doing great with the no contact and are definitely better for it!! JD..you especially sound like you are getting better about it and with it..I'm so glad
Kassie..good for you on the waiting and I'm still headed your direction LOL
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Okay, call me an old grouch, but why is so many people suddenly using this term of going "dim"? If you live in the house with the person you are M to, you don't want to go dim b/c it will appear that you are mad or in a "mood". It would be like trying to walk a tightrope and you would probably fall to one side or the other, never knowing which way to lean. The principle Michelle teaches it ot pull back (detach) but you don't go dim. If it is used in Michelle's DR book, please tell me what page and I will sincerely apologize. There are some stitch's where going dark works well. That is usually cases where the couple does not have children or will not likely be seeing each other every few days. How can you go dark if you are co-parenting or living where you see your spouse everyday? Why not just detach like Michelle teaches? I've never heard where people who claim to go "dim" has had any success b/c how do you maintain a R based on dimness? If you don't live together or see each other often, you can go dark. Otherwise, it is best to use the detaching method.
I think my list works well for people living under the same roof, but then that is my biased POV (LOL).
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, The club is actually called "Detachers Anonymous".
Going dark for me was because W was involved in an affair. I don't feel comfortable with divorce, so it was the appropriate response for me. I actually asked W flat out to respect our children and our marriage by ending the affair. She didn't, so I responded. It actually was a last resort for me. And if you look at different threads - Silva, Tawnya, Pearl - many of them have benefited by going dark. Tawyna was detached - and only went dark when her H moved out.
While I don't feel that divorce is right - I can make a stand that our communication will be limited to bare essentials while she is engaged in an affair. I pledged to myself a month of going dark, and it has been amazing. My W does live in a separate apartment.
It has served three purposes: 1. To give W a feeling and knowledge of what life would be like without me - because if she proceeds with divorce, our relationship ends completely. I will notify her of our kid's needs and any other appropriate information, but other than that, she will cease to exist to me.
2. To help me regain my sanity - W is up and down alot, and I tended to pogo with her. This separation, although hard, has really allowed me to actually detach. It has also gotten me to a point where I don't really think about what W is doing or where she is - it has been huge for me mentally.
3. Completely wrestled control from W. I wouldn't say that it has given me control, but she has controlled for so long, that it is driving her crazy now!
My situation is not the same as everyone else's obviously. Also, I think "going dim" is the same as detaching - at least in my mind.
The club was created for support with detaching. I was still living with xBF at the time and was finding it extremely difficult to coexist. Someone here offered me some great ideas on this. And it was nice to have a place to come and vent specifically about this subject.
To me, going dim means pulling back or as Puppy likes to say, being friend-ly without being a friend. I received the same advice from my DB coach. Because I had always been the one to intiate the conversations I did not initiate any conversation but was pleasant to xBF and responded if he talked. I kept myself busy with projects in other rooms. Yes, it did feel like walking a tightrope. But I think that is common for people who are living together and trying this approach.
I have benefited greatly from going dark after xBF left the house (at my insistence). It has helped me to detach, something I was not able to fully achieve while cohabitating. It has allowed me time and space to work on myself.
Honestly, I think the people who have come here and stayed here for the support understand what we're trying to accomplish. As Michele advocates, take what works for you and leave the rest. And as is the case with this entire board, if you don't agree then don't come to this thread.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/25/0912:35 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Sandi2, You wouldn't know this but most of us do live separately. Only a couple have kids and the rules encourage contact for the kids.
I have been trying for 3 years to get tx for my H's problems. Living separately was my initial last resort and it wasn't working - going dark has him in tx x2 after one month.
When he turned that corner I started contact again and he went south again. I returned to dark and he is doing well. Just needs more time.
By the way everyone, he called for the last two days. I didn't respond. The first time it was to ask for time to talk. While I was deciding NO, the second message came cancelling the talk. He said he realized that unless there was something new to say there wasn't any point. But I could initiate a talk whenever.
I saw him today about the insurance bill, I told him that I agreed with the second call. He tried to talk to me then but I just listened briefly and reminded him that I needed to go. You can read the details on my thread.
He seems to be really struggling with this. Today I didn't. I was relieved when I heard the second message. And there's more to read on my thread.
There's a guy, Mr Lost in crises. His wife is filing and he is a mess. I have been trying to support him. If you can take a look give him a hi there and a boost of hopefulness. He has been doing DB very well, with very small results.
I did not make myself understood to all of you. I don't have a problem with going "dark" b/c that is what Michelle teaches in her book. What I asked is why there are so many people on the board refering to the term of going "dim" which makes no sense to me and as far as I know is not mentioned in the DR book. Detaching.....yes. Going dark......yes. Going dim????
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pearl..LOL..yes funny how we follow those "men" and say they are right..Silva I'm sure loves when I do that and JD does I'm sure with you too LOLOL
{{Sandi}} love to see you here my sweetie I think they use dim just as a word someone coined because they have to have some contact because of kids so you can't be totally dark?!
As for me..I had to call hub yesterday, tho Pearl assures me it was okay and I don't lose my status..tho I sat there and told both of my kids "I don't want to call dad for this"..argh..but I had lost my keys, hub still has one of my garage door openers when he switched out the cars last week, and I was hoping he was nearby because daughter was 30 minutes away and in the middle of eating dinner. He wasn't nearby, it was pleasant enough, he apologized for not giving them back to me, and that was that.
And I'm sure I'll have to talk to him briefly this evening, since he is picking up son it would be a little odd to not LOL..unless I'm not here..haven't totally decided yet!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
