stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

nlt, kalni, Lisa, addie - hi, friends! Thanks for checking on me and (((((HUGS))))!

Some bad news here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, quite late stage too. I wouldn't say it was unexpected, still devastating news for me. WE've never been close, but I don't think I can put her in a nursing home. I don't have any siblings or near relatives and I feel so alone...

I felt blue all day yesterday and cried a lot. For some strange reason I felt in my heart that my H is gone for good and there is no hope left. Diagnosis of Alzheimer brought the feelings of despair.

H called today and I was very cold. He was talking about his business plans and how he was going to send some money to D18. It was very unfair and I'm very sorry about it, but I was bitter and upset. I said: can you only talk about money?
He said quietly, it sounded as if it just slipped out and he'd like to take it back: it gives me a reason to call.
I wasn't sure I've heard correctly and asked: what?
So he repeated it.
He said good bye really quickly after that.

I don't feel good about what I said, I guess I just wanted to say something hurtful to him.

I'm angry again. I wish I wasn't.

Oh, and I've spent a day at my FF's home where I could observe their interaction with H. I'm a bit disappointed. They are good together and they laugh a lot, but... she is still bitter and her jokes are not always kind when directed at him. He's taking it well but one can feel the resentment deep inside. After dinner FF and I had a chat and I've mentioned it to her. I asked her whether she brings up his A too often. She said: Oh no, I hardly ever (?!). She doesn't seem to realize she's doing it.

(((everybody))), I will post on your threads later, I didn't sleep well and feel tired. And - I don't want to spread the lame mood :).