Cinders, I have been in your shoes...and I felt remorse too...and I forgave myself.
My divorce will be final in a matter of days if not weeks. And you know what? I feel great about it. I feel like the world is my oyster...and so many good things are in store.
You deserve the absolute best, sweets...this is YOUR journey to self-realization...God put things in your path for a reason...learn from it...accept it and above all, TRUST in the Lord. He will never abandon you and He will never lead you to a dark place...
Love, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
I feel kind of liberated and empowered ...and feel good about having let go a bit of my 'goody-two-shoe-personality' !
I like the above statement a lot. This is exactly how we turn our screw ups to our advantage and kick the ass of guilt and self-recrimination before it even gets a foothold.
Embrace the feeling of liberation, cinders. Make it work for you.
Let me just throw in one disclaimer though: Don't let it make a "loose" woman outta you - that's not where the power is. The power is in having realized that you crave companionship and after having gone about getting it the wrong way, you will now set out to find it in a more healthy manner. Been there, girl. My hat's off to you. You turned it around quick, too. Good job.
Hey Cinders, maybe I am just a bit anal or something but after reading your thread I am feeling a bit like I missed something. To what degree do you torture yourself after all that you have been through? I get what you did, I get it wasnt what you wanted to do, and I get that you regret it. However, I do not get the guilt and remorse, it was a conscious decision that you made and then you come back and express guilt. No reason for that.
You did not go out and have sex while living as a married woman. (Go ahead firm believers, jump on me) I mean your marriage has been where you know it to be for some time now. I think you have to just think through all of this and understand that your initial reaction was a bit over the top because of the enormous pressure that you put on yourself to be "saintly", your not saintly, your just a human.
I wonder if your reaction would have been different had he been an excellent lover and provided you with more than he was able to...hmmmmmmm... what do you think??? It was a tough decision for you to make in the first place, then to have him suck.... blech.......
Glad you took care of the doc issue and such today, that is what is most important now. You will know when you are ready to get back on the bike again, for now park it in the garage till you are ready.
....Or maybe the problem is that they DON'T "suck" as it were!
Sorry, I couldn't resist!!!
LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like Lissie would have said .. "I peeeed my pants !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, initial reaction shock and guilt, I guess came from having had bad and UNSAFE intercourse I guess, had it been better, who knows I may have felt differently. Then again, this left me feeling liberated and empowered as a woman (Yes, AmyC, I too see this as a GOOD thing, especially since I realize I should not become that loose woman hahahahaha ! Good one !). I don't know what it would have done to me to have great sex with a guy that meant nothing ....
But we have learnt not to look too far ahead or to keep our expectations at zero, so I guess that is how I am tying to live right now.
Vali, yep, I do believe God is still there with me, I now understand the term 'sinner' better.... I used to be far to saintly and to be honest, I think I'll leave that up to God himself !!!
Take care guys ! xxx
Last edited by Cinderellaman; 02/24/0907:35 AM.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I had drunk a lot of champagne, cause I think I knew that I would otherwise NOT be attracted to him.
My rule of thumb is if she's not looking any better after a six pack, then no amount of personality is going to make up for it. Best just to leave it alone.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I think most of the female LBS's certainly understand the need for affirmation---the need to feel like a desirable woman again, the need to be wanted. I also understand wanting to break out of the "mom mode" for a while.
My biggest concern is that you need to take your time. I know your marriage hasn't been a real one for a long time, but you are just getting back into the dating arena. Don't rush it! Be careful, and stay safe.
About the guy, you said:
Quote:
And about him being a player...I'm sorry, but he's not. I've seen where he lives, I know how hard he works and where and how many hours he has to put in it to earn a living. This guy WORKS to survive...he is by no means a player.
As for whether or not this particular guy is a player, who knows? But for players in general, I don't think money has anything to do with it. Over the past year of going out with my single friends, I've met plenty of players---some rich and some dirt poor. Maybe some worked harder than others, but they all had jobs, from architect to air condition repairman to mailman to auto mechanic.
To me, a player is a guy who tells a woman whatever she needs to hear to get her into bed. Maybe for some guys it is a game, but I bet most players probably don't even consider themselves players! I know some players who tell themselves they really are looking for the right woman to settle down with and just haven't found her yet, so why not have all the fun they can get in the meantime? But they never seem to take the time to see if she could be "Mrs. Right" or not!
I just recently heard about a book---can't remember the title for sure---I think it's something like "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man." I haven't read it yet, but evidently it talks about dating pitfalls and how to know what guys are thinking. The author says that women possess the greatest bargaining tool and incentive package known to man, and we shouldn't give it up so easily. Hmm...before I go any further in the dating arena, I think I need to read that book! LOL!
Cinders---hugs to you.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
- that's not where the power is. The power is in having realized that you crave companionship and after having gone about getting it the wrong way, you will now set out to find it in a more healthy manner. Been there, girl. My hat's off to you. You turned it around quick, too. Good job.
